Sorry it’s a long one.
I’ve checked in and out of here over probably the past 10 years . Married 24 years , one adult DS albeit still a uni student living at home.
DH over the years has been shouty, selfish ( think prioritising pub time over family time), in recent years a porn type addiction has come to light plus he’s had at least three incidences of MH issues which he has berated me for not being supportive over. One of these was a couple of years back culminating in him feeling unable to accompany me on a much awaiting trip abroad which I cancelled, but then he spent every night at the pub ‘it made him feel better’. I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.
I’ve always been a put up with it kind of person, my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together. It’s not been all bad, and Ive kind of found my main happiness elsewhere with friends , hobbies and a successful career ( if that doesn’t sound odd) and we’ve rubbed along for the most part.
Fast forward to lockdown which was absolutely hideous if I’m honest , without his outlet of the pub he was morose, shouty, drinking too much at home and just generally not great and some of the porn stuff came to light which he was very secretive above and minimised , whilst he speaking to a counsellor he never really spoke to me about it and if I’m honest I find it a bit disturbing.
The upshot of all this is that I got to the point where I was so unhappy, that I’ve had an affair ( I know an absolute cardinal sin on here and the reason why I haven’t posted thus far), with a work colleague from another office who I have become close to over a number of years . He is divorced and I have confided in him in the past about some of my marriage issues. We worked out fairly quickly that it was serious between us, he’s a lovely supportive kind man and has really stepped up for me. We did discuss me leaving my husband but in the meantime he found out about us anyway. I feel terrible as DH has been in a state since, drinking heavily and taking anti depressants etc ( which he has done in the past during the MH periods).
I’ve left the family home and I’m renting a flat where I’ve been for a couple of months , though I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS. He’s already putting the pressure on about needing more of the proceeds of the house if that’s what happens so that he can remain in the expensive area we live in. Luckily I’m a fairly good earner and can manage my contribution to the family home plus my rent and bills.
I’ve had some pretty major wobbles if I’m honest . I think I could have a happy future with the man I have been having an affair with but I’m racked with guilt about what I’ve done to DH, worried about the practicalities of making a new life. I have debated going back, my life wasn’t awful, we had no money worries and a very good lifestyle . I’m not cut out for living on my own, I never saw myself to be in this position at 50 and I just don’t know what the future looks like. I’m a person who thrives on order and routine and I’m sitting here in a flat on my own thinking , have I just made a complete balls up of my life, should I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it? I’m not looking for sympathy , I know I’ve done an awful thing having an affair but I’m just so worried about the future, my relationship with DS and how DH will cope without me.
Am I a horrible person who deserves everything I get?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Marriage over at 50- talk me down that this isn’t a complete disaster.
Tempnamelady · 03/05/2021 21:25
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