Marriage over at 50- talk me down that this isn’t a complete disaster.

(90 Posts)
Tempnamelady Mon 03-May-21 21:25:05

Sorry it’s a long one.
I’ve checked in and out of here over probably the past 10 years . Married 24 years , one adult DS albeit still a uni student living at home.
DH over the years has been shouty, selfish ( think prioritising pub time over family time), in recent years a porn type addiction has come to light plus he’s had at least three incidences of MH issues which he has berated me for not being supportive over. One of these was a couple of years back culminating in him feeling unable to accompany me on a much awaiting trip abroad which I cancelled, but then he spent every night at the pub ‘it made him feel better’. I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.
I’ve always been a put up with it kind of person, my priority was at all costs keeping the family unit together. It’s not been all bad, and Ive kind of found my main happiness elsewhere with friends , hobbies and a successful career ( if that doesn’t sound odd) and we’ve rubbed along for the most part.
Fast forward to lockdown which was absolutely hideous if I’m honest , without his outlet of the pub he was morose, shouty, drinking too much at home and just generally not great and some of the porn stuff came to light which he was very secretive above and minimised , whilst he speaking to a counsellor he never really spoke to me about it and if I’m honest I find it a bit disturbing.
The upshot of all this is that I got to the point where I was so unhappy, that I’ve had an affair ( I know an absolute cardinal sin on here and the reason why I haven’t posted thus far), with a work colleague from another office who I have become close to over a number of years . He is divorced and I have confided in him in the past about some of my marriage issues. We worked out fairly quickly that it was serious between us, he’s a lovely supportive kind man and has really stepped up for me. We did discuss me leaving my husband but in the meantime he found out about us anyway. I feel terrible as DH has been in a state since, drinking heavily and taking anti depressants etc ( which he has done in the past during the MH periods).

I’ve left the family home and I’m renting a flat where I’ve been for a couple of months , though I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS. He’s already putting the pressure on about needing more of the proceeds of the house if that’s what happens so that he can remain in the expensive area we live in. Luckily I’m a fairly good earner and can manage my contribution to the family home plus my rent and bills.
I’ve had some pretty major wobbles if I’m honest . I think I could have a happy future with the man I have been having an affair with but I’m racked with guilt about what I’ve done to DH, worried about the practicalities of making a new life. I have debated going back, my life wasn’t awful, we had no money worries and a very good lifestyle . I’m not cut out for living on my own, I never saw myself to be in this position at 50 and I just don’t know what the future looks like. I’m a person who thrives on order and routine and I’m sitting here in a flat on my own thinking , have I just made a complete balls up of my life, should I have just gritted my teeth and got on with it? I’m not looking for sympathy , I know I’ve done an awful thing having an affair but I’m just so worried about the future, my relationship with DS and how DH will cope without me.
Am I a horrible person who deserves everything I get?

OP’s posts: |
iknowiknowallaboutit Mon 03-May-21 21:28:22

Based on your description of him I would have advised you to leave him anyway. That’s not a healthy relationship. You’ll be much happier in the long run flowers

HaggisBurger Mon 03-May-21 22:01:41

Not a popular view - but a pretty justified exit affair from a really grim marriage. I’d not feel guilty. Split your assets fairly based on advice from a fair solicitor. Take some time to yourself - say 6 months. Then, if he’s still willing, see how things go with your affair partner. I wish you luck

Outbutnotoutout Mon 03-May-21 22:04:19

Sell the house split it 50/50, divorce and move on.

You're not mad or bad, you just needed an out

Acovic Mon 03-May-21 22:04:25

I agree with the above posters and stop going to do the bloody housework.

Two adults live there. They can clean up their own mess.

HellonHeels Mon 03-May-21 22:08:19

Leave him. Get decent legal advice before making any financial agreements.

Look after your DS, how does he feel about being left with his dad? Must be awful for him?

Your husband needs to shift for himself, he sounds horrible. Dont feel guilty. No judgement from me as long as you dont leave your son with him.

The new man will either last the distance or fall by the wayside, but at least he's helped you get out of the dismal situation you were in.

HollowTalk Mon 03-May-21 22:11:05

Oh god, you need to get out of this marriage. There isn't one single reason for remaining in it.

Tempnamelady Mon 03-May-21 22:11:35

Thank you so much for your replies, I was expecting to be berated and I’m fine if people do so. I just feel like every shit thing he’s done has been trumped by my doing what I’ve done.
AP has been amazingly supportive , he hasn’t forced his opinion on me at all, in fact he said that whatever I decided to do he would wish me luck as he wants only the best for me. He’s constructed furniture, cooked and cleaned for me and just been brilliant . He’s also been truly sorry for all the upset caused even to DH.
I’m just so fearful for the future, I had such a constructed life plan. My career is pretty full on , the thought of managing a house sale, splitting 24 years worth of joint possessions and everything that goes with it just seems insurmountable.

OP’s posts: |
Sparky888 Mon 03-May-21 22:17:25

Do you have a therapist? If not, get a really good psychologist ASAP to help you make up your own mind and feel settled with your decisions.

KarmaNoMore Mon 03-May-21 22:17:26

You are in a much better place than most women in your situation. My advice is take one thing at a time, little by little things will start falling into place.

autumnalrain Mon 03-May-21 22:19:18

Both of you have treated the other poorly. There’s no respect left, nothing worth saving, just leave.

blue1000 Mon 03-May-21 22:21:30

You can't change your past but can have a much happier future. I wish you every happiness with your new partner.

Tempnamelady Mon 03-May-21 22:27:27

@hellonheels my son is 22 and he has chosen to stay with his dad, his gf lives round the corner and he’s taken his dads side which Is fair enough. I miss him terribly, we’ve always been close and he has been my number one priority since the day he was born.I’m hoping we can get back on track going forward as I’m really struggling without seeing him everyday .

OP’s posts: |
HellonHeels Mon 03-May-21 22:46:20

I'm sorry, you must miss your son badly. Just take it one step at a time, you've done the hardest bit already, accepting the marriage is over, getting a flat and moving out.

I left my husband at age 48, 20 years married. I did same as you, rented a flat and moved out. You will be OK, its a shock to the system but you're in a good position.

Tempnamelady Mon 03-May-21 22:54:28

@hellonheels thank you that’s good to hear, hope you’ve been ok and thanks to everyone who has posted . When I’m at work during the week I don’t get time to dwell but Long bank holiday hasn’t helped ! I also struggle with going to and leaving the family home, I get very worked up, I am very much a home body and put my heart and soul into creating a lovely home.

OP’s posts: |
Fireflygal Mon 03-May-21 23:11:17

Op, I think affairs are always wrong and if you were a man you would be berated. There is no excuse for an affair. You should have left without involving another man.

Your son has taken his side so I suspect your behaviour hasn't been blameless in the marriage. If you have never been alone then I think moving on to your AP is a crazy idea. You need time alone to work. I can't imagine you rebuilding your relationship as I bet your son isn't keen on your AP.

Decide if there is anything to work on in your marriage
Rebuild your relationship with your son
Sort out the finances with your Ex if you divorce
Stay single and then decide if AP is right for you.

I think if continue on your current path you'll get to 60 and feeling unhappy again.

If it sounds harsh...it's just my experience of midlife men & women who end marriages by affairs. They use the affair so they don't have to be alone but after a while the cracks in the relationship appear.

SecretOfChange Mon 03-May-21 23:12:26

You seem to be feeling very responsible for everyone else's happiness, but not your own. Why is that?

Don't forget to look after yourself. Divorce is not an overnight thing, it can last months or years - you have to be as strong as you can be, to get through.

Start financial settlement process on the basis of what would be fair if you were to go to court. Then if you can afford to compromise and leave with less than your fair share (in favour of less stress or faster timescales) then so be it, but don't make an unfavourable split of assets be your starting position, out of guilt or some sort of misguided kindness.

'Hope Gap' is a movie written from the point of view of an adult child of divorced parents. It's quite sad but also very realistic in depicting the deep hopelessness of a loveless marriage.

Re-building your life is hard but as with so many things in life - you will get out of it what you put in. All the best wishes flowers

thinkIamdone Tue 04-May-21 12:51:43

I think just stick with the current arrangements for a year or so and then look to divorce and sell the family home. Hopefully DS will have moved out by then if he has a gf. Doing nothing at the moment and waiting for the dust to settle seems the most sensible option. Don't go back to a miserable existence. You have found love. Concentrate your efforts into nurturing the relationship that is your future

MrsVogon Tue 04-May-21 12:55:50

Agree with one of the PP, split and sell, move on. Don't do his housework!!

I don't agree with affairs, but putting that aside, it seems you really needed to end the marriage anyway.

Nonmaquillee Tue 04-May-21 13:19:21

I must admit I felt like something died in me then, it was Xmas and I spent nearly very night of 10 days off work on my own.

That's so sad. You don't need to worry about how he'll cope on his own - he's an adult.

You're only 50 - you could have a great life ahead of you. Perhaps the best years are yet to come! Who knows...but anything would be better than the sad life you see to be living at the moment. Good luck and I hope you DO strike out on your own.

romany4 Tue 04-May-21 13:47:15

I am returning to do housework and bring shopping to DH and DS

I don't condone the affair but why are you doing this?
They are adults!
Sell the house, move on, be happy!

JustGiveMeGin Tue 04-May-21 16:02:03

Stop doing house work for them, a bit of responsibility will do them both good. You put up with his shit for years, what did he expect...yeah affairs are considered the number one sin on here but life is rarely black and white.
Be fair splitting assets but don't give him more than he is due just because you feel guilty, if he wants to stay in an expensive area he can work for it like everyone else or move somewhere cheaper (stop wasting a fortune down the pub every night hmm).
You made a mistake, it doesn't make you a monster. I'm damn sure he won't think he is a monster for the years of crap he expected you to put up with.

Notagain20 Tue 04-May-21 16:08:34

Stop doing the housework! You don't have to punish yourself, just move on and start living this next part of your life, and be happy you took this step. You deserve to be happy, and your ex deserves to clean up his own mess. There's literally no reason at all to do housework for two adults.

whatisheupto Tue 04-May-21 16:10:41

Congratulations on your new partner OP, he sounds lovely and it's wonderful that you've met him. Go and enjoy your new life, you deserve it after putting up with so much crap for so long! Your ex husband sounds awful and treated you badly.
Your son will come round. It may take months or even a year or two but he WILL come back to you. I have seen it a few times, in much worse circumstances, and it just takes a bit of time.
Don't forget right now is the scariest, so much to organise etc etc. But you will get there! You might have another 40 years ahead of you! And they might be your happiest!

namechangemarch21 Tue 04-May-21 16:14:02

I think you have probably been protecting your son - I would let him know some of the issues in the relationship (without going into too much detail but I think its important he knows that the relationship was in trouble for many years). I would talk to a solicitor about the house, and stop going back there. Arrange to visit your son separately - he is an adult, he does not need you to do his housework.

I think you need to end the relationship and be single. You have been in an intolerable situation but still haven't had the gumption to do anything until an outside force gave you impetus, and that was the worst thing you could have done. Even if this relationship goes well, you need to commit to living on your own for at least two years and having your own therapy. I would ideally be telling the affair partner you can't see him for six months.

End this marriage. Your husband is awful and it would have been better if you did this on that basis a year ago. The rest will come together. Going back is the worst possible thing - he will hold this as a stick to beat you with and his behaviour will get worse. Get a solicitor, stop feeling guilty, start acting like someone in charge of their own life.

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