Anyone else have a DH with a false memory?

(101 Posts)
smellywellies9 Mon 03-May-21 20:20:42

This happens all the time but to give an example, we moved house around 5 years ago and did all the painting and decorating ourselves. We both took time off work and did all of it together, DH did all the ceilings as he was taller and I did the walls. It was very much a joint effort.
Having a conversation with some friends earlier and DH proclaimed that he did all the decorating himself and I didn't do any of it, he denied me having any involvement whatsoever and said it was all him. Not only did this embarrass me as it made me look like I was lying to our friends, but it also wasn't true!! DH does things like this all the time. Anyone else have the same problem??

OP’s posts: |
clpsmum Mon 03-May-21 20:22:42

It's not a false memory he is gaslighting you

Mmmmdanone Mon 03-May-21 20:22:43

Totally. He has a very poor memory for most things but occasionally just makes something up. Usually to make me look bad. We're separating.

CarnationCat Mon 03-May-21 20:23:10

Very strange OP. And no, I don't have this problem.

Does he maintain the lie afterwards when you ask him about it in private? I can only assume that he does this to make himself look impressive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-May-21 20:29:33

You’re being gaslighted by him, that is a form of psychological abuse and it is insidious. He is bigging himself up to make you feel bad.

smellywellies9 Mon 03-May-21 20:30:29

He genuinely believes he's right, it's the weirdest thing.
The same same happened with some furniture that we put together. We had a huge row as he claimed it was just him that did it but in actual fact I did most of it and he just helped at the end.
Things like this happen all the time. It makes me feel like why should I bother in the first place as he will just deny the fact I ever did it in the future!
He used to smoke a lot of weed so I don't know if it's a genuine memory issue or so weird form of abuse?

OP’s posts: |
Aprilshowersandhail Mon 03-May-21 20:31:56

Next project take lots of pics...
Then call him out on his utter bs..

Cam2020 Mon 03-May-21 20:35:21

Is he very self absorbed? Victim/martyr complex? Could it be that he's so wrapped up in what he had to do that he genuinely forgets you had any part in it?

Whatever the reason behind it, it doesn't sound like he sees you as a partner.

user113424742258631134 Mon 03-May-21 20:35:26

It's a standard form of abuse.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 03-May-21 20:36:09

I was going to ask if cannabis was involved...

AndyYoureAStar Mon 03-May-21 20:36:25

That's not what a false memory is, OP, that's just persistent lying confused

"A false memory" is just that, singular. Someone would have a false memory about a particular event, like being convinced that the away team played in black when actually they played in green. It isn't some type of processing disorder - like, for example, you might describe a person as having "a poor memory".

The fact that he does it all the time indicates that he is trying to gaslight you or just takes pleasure in your embarrassment.

I'm sorry if these replies are hard to read. Have you suspected for a while that something is amiss, is that what lead you to post? (Oftentimes, the thing an OP originally posts about is not the only issue going on.)

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-May-21 20:36:34

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Do you want to stay with him given that this is how he behaves towards you?

AlohaMolly Mon 03-May-21 20:39:11

My DP does this, to suit whatever his narrative is at the time. His entire family do it and for the first year or so of meeting them, during which I had DS, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. I could feel my brain splitting in two, I swear.

Now I call DP out on it every single time and tell him plainly that he is has lighting me. I think about leaving around 50% of my daily life atm.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain Mon 03-May-21 20:40:45

Could he just have a really shit memory?

Theaspidistraiswilting Mon 03-May-21 20:42:05

Mine does this. It's actually awful.

smellywellies9 Mon 03-May-21 20:47:40

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain
He does have a really shit memory, I blame the weed smoking for that (doesn't smoke anymore), however isn't it convenient for him that he is the one that did EVERYTHING in all his memories and I did NOTHING apparently!! That's what makes me question if this is just a memory issue or not

OP’s posts: |
smellywellies9 Mon 03-May-21 20:49:15

@Cam2020 I haven't ever really thought about that before but I guess it most definitely could be that. He definitely likes to play the victim when it suits him and is generally pretty selfish

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DrinkFeckArseBrick Mon 03-May-21 20:49:47

I think some people can get confused. But it's a bit telling that he 'forgets' how much you did and makes up extra stuff that he did. If genuine surely he would sometimes remember stuff in your favour?

Chaotica Mon 03-May-21 20:50:17

My XP did this in the latter part of our relationship. I don't know whether he had a genuinely shit memory but I got very tired of my contribution to anything being edited out. (Eg We broke down, I managed to fix the car but when we got where we were going, he'd fixed it alone.)

Hermanfromguesswho Mon 03-May-21 20:50:43

If it was just a bad memory then surely sometimes he’d remember it wrong in your favour rather than always in his 🙄

JaneJeffer Mon 03-May-21 20:51:30

DH did the same thing talking about when he painted the sitting room which I did while he was away for a week with work hmm

smellywellies9 Mon 03-May-21 20:52:19

@AlohaMolly Sorry to hear you are experiencing it too! It does make you feel like you're going mad sometimes! Does he acknowledge when you tell him he is gaslighting you? Does he ever admit he got his facts wrong? Any tips on how to deal with it?!?

OP’s posts: |
prettypinkflamingo Mon 03-May-21 20:53:39

My exH did this for years. I ended up making notes constantly as I thought I was going mad at times. He would only have thus 'memory problem' with me. Note he's now an ex.

User0ne Mon 03-May-21 20:54:16

If it was s genuine memory problem it would be happening with other things and people.

If it isn't then his memory is fine, your relationship on the other hand...

24GinDrinkingOnceTheKidsInBed Mon 03-May-21 20:54:25

Yes, makes me bloody shit itch.

Especially when we’ve disagreed with something and then a week later he says something like “no you said not to, I said yes!” Even thought it was the complete opposite. It’s almost light gaslighting but I can tell he genuinely thinks that’s what happened and make me wanna throat punch him to Venus when he does it.

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