Deflated

(54 Posts)
TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 00:47:10

When I moved in with my partner I realised he was drinking every night. I knew he liked a drink beforehand but I thought he was a social drinker. However I soon realised even if I wasn’t drinking he would still drink on his own in the house every night. Along with me worrying about his health, it was also the root cause of most issues. One of which was that our sex life suffered. The last 2 times we have tried to have sex he hasn’t been able to maintain an erection, one of which was tonight. I’m feeling so deflated & frustrated. I’m trying not to take it personally but these little thoughts creep in to question whether he doesn’t fancy me anymore. Even though logic tells me it’s because he’s been drinking all day today from mid afternoon. I’ve managed to get him to cut down his drinking but he still drinks 5 nights a week on average. Is that too much? And am I right the issue here is him and not me? If he stops drinking will this get better? Or is the damage done?

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FortunesFave Mon 03-May-21 00:55:05

Get out now. I don't know how old you are but please don't waste your life with an alcoholic.

It won't get better....you won't be able to make it better. It's not on you to get him to cut down....if he's still drinking 5 days per week, it will only revert back to what it was. I speak from experience.

How old are you?

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 00:58:07

@FortunesFave is he an alcoholic though? Im so confused. My head is saying the issue here is bigger than just some failed sex attempts. But then I doubt myself and start to think is it me? I’m 35.

OP’s posts: |
FortunesFave Mon 03-May-21 01:02:01

Yes he is. If he's starting to drink in the afternoon and drinking 5 days a week and can't get an erection, then he is an alcoholic.

He won't admit that of course. Why waste you time?

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 01:07:47

@FortunesFave would that amount of alcohol affect his ability to have sex? I don’t want to just chuck in the towel but tonight has made me feel like I might need to. He has good qualities and despite all this I do love him so I would find it incredibly hard to leave him 😔

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OldWomanSaysThis Mon 03-May-21 01:26:21

My friend is married to a man who can't get an erection if he's been drinking - otherwise marriage is fine - so they pre-determine what each day will be in advance. It's a drinking day or a sex day. It can't be both.

They are 25 years older than you though. Not sure that's a great way to live at age 35. I wouldn't do it.

FortunesFave Mon 03-May-21 02:31:20

Of course it would affect his ability to have sex not to mention his heart, liver, kidneys, weight, mood and general health.

fedup078 Mon 03-May-21 06:15:54

Eugh get out now and don't waste so much time or get tied down like I did

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 06:47:02

@fedup078 what happened for you?

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PaterPower Mon 03-May-21 07:01:30

Five days a week (and are you SURE he’s actually cut the other two out when you’re not there?) is a habit.

So he’s habitually drinking, often without company and prioritising the booze over an intimate relationship... he’s an alcoholic.

joystir59 Mon 03-May-21 07:04:32

Not your job to fix him. Do you want to give your time and energy trying to get another human being to control their addiction?

oohmama Mon 03-May-21 07:08:28

Get out now!!!
And do not,
I repeat DO NOT have kids with this man

Run

SpringtimeSummertime Mon 03-May-21 07:22:27

oohmama

Get out now!!!
And do not,
I repeat DO NOT have kids with this man

Run

THis!

The most important piece of advice:

DO NOT START A FAMILY WITH A MAN WHO DRINKS 5 NIGHTS A WEEK AND DRINKS ALL DAY.

I don’t know if you are planning to of course but don’t.

You can stay with him or leave, it’s your life and your choice but I would leave.
Life is too short and it will get worse.

Please don’t have a family with him.

ItsNotLoveActually Mon 03-May-21 07:42:26

He's an alcoholic and it won't get any better. Doubt he's stopped drinking completely on those 2 days, just not in front of you.
I had the same issues with my ex b/f. It's definitely not you. We had so many conversations about it but nothing changed. Without that physical closeness we became more like mates. I stopped even wanting to try and I'm older than you.

fedup078 Mon 03-May-21 07:48:29

@TammyT21 I always knew he had a problem but part of me always thought he'd grow up eventually
Still, I never thought he'd stoop so low as to take our 11m baby downstairs at 7am so I could have a lie in and be absolutely shit faced when I came down at 11am
The mans a middle management teacher ffs
He's now living in his bachelor pad and im much happier
Trust me it's not you and there's nothing you can do to change ppl like this and yeah he certainly has a problem

JustAnotherOldMan Mon 03-May-21 07:59:25

Your partner is suffering from alcohol induced ED, the old fashioned term was brewers-droop, he needs to cut out the booze completely for a couple of months

www.drinkaware.co.uk/blog/have-you-lost-that-loving-feeling

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 08:13:39

@fedup078 is your ex still drinking as he was? We don’t have kids together and I wouldn’t want them with him drinking like he does. I had hoped he would be able to drink at a more normal level but I think he is doing the bare minimum to show enough willing that I stay. But it’s so demoralising trying to have an intimate relationship watching him struggle to keep an erection.

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fedup078 Mon 03-May-21 08:15:34

I think he probably is
He seemed drunk when he FaceTimed ds yday lunch time
He won't seek any help and told me he will absolutely not go tea total
So he can fuck off

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 08:21:29

@fedup078 it’s so sad they chose drink over their families.

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fedup078 Mon 03-May-21 08:48:35

Yup my mother did the same

thinkIamdone Mon 03-May-21 08:53:41

Walk away. You can never cure an alcoholic. Spare yourself years of pain

messybun101 Mon 03-May-21 09:08:30

Of course it is hard op, you thought he was someone different until you started living together. It will be sad. You of course will still love him but the cons totally outweigh the pros here and you should leave. Already you're questioning if his alcohol induced ED relates to you. It doesn't. We have alcoholism in some family members (my gran for one...) and I feel awful for their spouses all these years later. Don't invest in any more time. He isn't the one for you. Nice man, sure. But not the right fit. Your idea of daily living is far too opposite

TammyT21 Mon 03-May-21 09:17:40

Does alcohol really make them happier than having a family / relationship. I can’t imagine choosing a lonely life with the bottle over a loving relationship. He did stop drinking for a few weeks when I realised he was drinking everyday which gave me hope but now it’s back to 5 days a week with a token day here or there not drinking for my benefit.

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SpringtimeSummertime Mon 03-May-21 09:22:52

TammyT21

Does alcohol really make them happier than having a family / relationship. I can’t imagine choosing a lonely life with the bottle over a loving relationship. He did stop drinking for a few weeks when I realised he was drinking everyday which gave me hope but now it’s back to 5 days a week with a token day here or there not drinking for my benefit.

It’s an addiction, illness - whatever you want to call it.
The sad truth is that without any doubt at all they will choose alcohol over absolutely anything.

SpringtimeSummertime Mon 03-May-21 09:24:59

They will also lie to and deceive anyone who tries to stop them from drinking.

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