Separation, depression and anxiety

(10 Posts)
Bumbum23 Sun 02-May-21 16:42:55

Hi- its a long post, just need some advice from anyone going/been through something similar.
My husband left me almost 2 months ago out
. Neither of us have been very happy for over a year and we were trying but everything had become very strained. We have been together 15 years and married 9. We have 2 girls, a 3 year old and a 8 month old. Over the past year we tried to have talks about what both of us needed from each other, his being a lack of intimacy and affection, mine being feeling stressed anxious and depressed and feeling lack of respect from him. All it seemed to end in was both of us talking at each other and not really doing anything to change. And hence he became more and more distant, I let anxious intrusive thoughts become my reality (he doesn't like me/love me/ care about me) and I found it harder to be intimate and it was just so strained.
I still love him and am devastated by his leaving. However when i write this is seems easy to say we have grown apart and aren't suitable, in my head, but my heart just can't seem to catch up.
Its been 2 months and I feel worse than ever as I realise now he has gone. He feels like a total stranger and it hurts so much just to look at him. He is living with his mum and dad and takes the girls for an overnight stay twice a week (my suggestion, he wanted them but came up with no ideas) He has stepped up and is being a great dad,(along with his mum) and this kills me as he just sat back and did extremely little before, refused to take time off work (he'd work 6 or 7 days a week). Any family time was always left to me to think of what to do and it always felt like I was dragging him along and he couldn't wait to get home and have a drink and slob in front of tv. Also feeling resentful as I'm doing it all on my own and he has both his parents with him and its a 'sleepover at grannys' rather than him doing the job. Whilst I am the one having to pick between a crying baby or else a crying toddler and feeling constantly guilty especially when I do shout. Feel like if its not him taking responsibility then he shouldn't have them for so long, but I don't want to be bitter.
My other major difficulty is that I moved to live where he grew up. I lost touch with all my friends through distance and because he didn't like them, so I chose him over them. My family I get on OK with, but they're not emotionally supportive dnd again, distance has weakened our relationship as well as it was easier and i enjoyed his company more. But what it is now is incredibly lonely. I am left with 0 friends. His family whom I love and had strong relationships are attempting to keep up, but its just not the same, all it feels like is pity.
I'm living in our family home, which I don't want to as everywhere I look all I see is reminders of our life together and what it should have been. He doesn't want me to move. I don't want yo make any rash decisions but I feel like my mental health is suffering from feeling trapped in a museum to our life together.

OP’s posts: |
loveyourself2020 Sun 02-May-21 18:59:57

Dear OP I am so sorry that you are going through this and totally understand how you may feel. Being a mother of young children is never easy but raising them alone must be extra hard. Nothing I or anybody else says will make your situation any easier, this is the truth. It is hard and it may even be harder from time to time. However, please understand this, good divorce is better than a bad marriage. Please do not hope or plan to get back with your husband. Once relationship breaks you cannot mend it. What you can do is move on. I know that it may look like you are completely desperate now, you are not. You are strong and capable and you can do it. Try and look at the positive rather then negative. Even coming here to post about it is a good thing and will be helpful to you. Can you get some therapy? Try to reach out to your family and friends or look for friends or groups in your own area. Stay positive, be proactive, and trust that you will be ok.

Bumbum23 Sun 02-May-21 21:27:41

Thank you. I know a lot of what you say is right and on better days I can agree. Just feel so overwhelmed and hopeless now.
Its just so dam difficult. Its a small town we live in and my husband is well known, I, not so much, I don't work in the town and am not from there and if you know the way these places work its all about "oh Sarah, yes her sister works in ... and he really mum is ..." somehow if they don't know this shot, they don't seem to trust you or want to know you. The problem though is anyone who does know me its because they know my husband and if they see me, its "well hows your HB?"
I feel like I didn't choose to separate, I fought to go to couples therapy etc but after 2 sessions he was done, it was just a way to 'get through to me that he had decided . It just feels like I've been cheated from us really talking properly to each other, that he doesn't understand me. And it matters so ugh because for so long, he got me, he was y best friend, all we had to do was look at each other or say 1 word and know what we were thinking. It hurts that he seems to be so indifferent towards me.
It hurts that twice in the last year j broke down to him saying I couldn't cope, that I just hated myself and he did nothing. In fact I think he retreated further because he didn't believe me? (He refuses to talk to me about it, so I don't know)
I just don't know how to get the strength to keep going. 2 weeks ago I was busy thinking, i can do this, I'm going to be a strong woman for my girls, show them what to be. Now I literally want to check out of it all. It just seems too much. He and his family barely talk to me and it stings soo bad. I haven't just lost him, but a um and dad, 2 sisters, 2 brother and 8 nieces and nephews. The visits and invites have almost all but dried up. I tried to reach out, but realise its futile. I just feel so worthless with nothing to offer and that my girls would be better off with him and his family and stuck with a mess like me on my own.
I would love to get in touch with someone who is divorced/separated, been through it, because until you have, you just can't understand i. But i know noone who has.

OP’s posts: |
Zerrin13 Sun 02-May-21 23:43:43

I'm so so sorry this has happened to you and your children. It is truly devastating.
I feel such anger when I read these stories.
How is it just ok to leave a struggling wife and mother of 2 very young children to just fuck off back to freedom and go and live with his Mummy and Daddy? Its a complete and utter disgrace. I'm 55 and if he was my son I certainly wouldn't have given him any patience or sympathy let alone a roof over his head! They are complicit in his selfish disgusting treatment of you. His mother is probably cooking his meals and doing his washing aswell. Please don't give him the very kind benefit of thinking he has stepped up in anyway with his newfound love of parenting. If he was looking after them on his own it would be much tougher for him.
Maybe the novelty will wear off in time when his new life gets really established.
I know pointing these things out doesn't help your situation but I hope you can muster some anger amidst all the heartbreak. Imo you don't just walk out when there are very young kids in the mix.
You don't get to put yourself first for a long time. He is an incredibly selfish individual and sadly not the man you once slept next to every night for years and years. He is now a stranger and you have every right to treat him like one. You will get through this awful time in your life but you need support. Would moving back near to your family be an option? Don't make any big decisions hastily but if you really want to move from that house then do it. I know what you mean about the memories of your former life being everywhere. Dont let him make all the decisions. He's a nasty piece of work who is only looking out fir himself.

madroid Mon 03-May-21 12:05:56

So hang on, he's a grown man who has moved back with his parents. He has your dd's to stay but it's really his parents that look after them? What a loser.

You on the other hand have your own home, are taking responsibility for your two daughters single handedly in a place with very little support? Well I think you are doing splendidly at stepping up and being the grown up.

It will get easier as your dd's grow up a bit more. Does the eldest go to nursery? Do you work?

I think you need to start taking small steps to building your life up. It sounds like moving back to your home town might suit you more.

Try not to panic. Remember this is a phase in your life that will change quite soon. Even 6 months will make a big difference. Try to step back a bit and disengage emotionally. Try to think about what you want longer term. Then start to work towards it.

In the meantime reach out to your old friends. Explain things haven't worked out, you need their support.

Bumbum23 Tue 04-May-21 14:35:37

Thank you for your responses.
Breakups are incredibly difficult, and this is my first one. There is such an overwhelm and flood of emotions all the time, its so draining and then I feel guilty for not just being able to 'get on with it' and also for not taking the signs seriously. For having blind belief that he would stand by me.
Yep. He isn't being a great grown up, (and I know for a fact his mum is doing cleaning, cooking and probably making his bed too!) he has walked away from this with everything he had before and a push to be a better dad, which for my girls sake, I'm pleased. (I am trying to be positive). I just feel just jealousy and resentment for this.
I know that if I can get through each day at a time that I will get stronger, its just trying to figure out this new life and a new normal.
My eldest goes to childcare 3 days a week, thank God, they are fantastic with her and it relieves me from feeling the pressure and some guilt for not being the mum I was, or want to be.
I am decided to move, its just going to be where. I am on maternity from my job, which I love and want to go back to, but its 25 miles 1 direction and my family home is 25 miles the other direction. So here I am feeling a bit stuck in the middle, yet I know I don't want to stay in this town. There is just too much of him all over it and I feel like I will never be able to have my own identity here. Knowing that just conflicts with the plans I had in my head of what my life was going to be and its a struggle to come to terms with. My eldest just LOVES her cousins, loves visiting them and vice versa, cant wait to go to their school and moving further away will impact that. But in the ling run, I know I need to do what will help me cope better. There is no point me staying here because it keeps my ex and his family happy, but myself isolated and depressed. But it's scary and I know there will be backlash, and a big withdrawal of any 'kindness' and 'support' that has come from them as they won't be able to see I'm doing it for me, it will be interpreted as doing it to hurt my ex.

OP’s posts: |
loveyourself2020 Tue 04-May-21 18:25:00

Dear OP yes, breakups are hard, always no matter what happens and who leaves who. I myself am going through one now and most days I feel like dying, quite literally. I am one initiating because after 26 years of being with my husband I feel very unhappy and uncared for. Anyway, most days, my anxiety is trough the roof, but I know that it will not last forever.

If you can move (you may have to get his permission, I am not sure how it works exactly) it would be better for you. Even to another area but it is better if you move to area where you have family or friends. Then start planing your future. I know it feels like it is the end of the world, but it is not, believe me. It is a beginning, a new beginning. Take care and keep posting.

Zerrin13 Tue 04-May-21 18:50:16

Marriage breakups are utterly dreadful especially when young children are involved. Many of us here have been where you are now and know the heartbreak and chaos these men cause.
If you want to move nearer to your family and friends for some support then this is what you seriously need to consider doing. You must do what is right for you now.
Its going to take a good while but you will come through this awful time. Keep posting darling girl. We are all here for you

madroid Tue 04-May-21 21:34:52

You sound like an excellent mum and doing really well in the circumstances - very level headed and clear.

It's inevitable moving will upset your in laws but as you say, your well being and by extension your children's wellbeing comes first. They need a happy functioning mum and you need to put space between you and your past.

I'm glad you've got childcare in place and a job you enjoy. Even if you have to change jobs at least you'll know what to look for.

It will start to feel better once you take the first steps to your future. Keep going!

NewlyAloneFindingStrength Fri 07-May-21 19:00:35

thank you all so much. It's amazing sometimes what some words of encouragement can do. The more I'm told I am strong, the more I actually start to believe it. I just have to let go of the past, which is the biggest difficulty. But as time goes on through this, I am realising that some days will be floods and despair and woe and others will be just fine and going through the motions and other days might even be good. Thank you all for your responses, just feeling heard helps.

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