Think husband is having an affair

[thinkIamdone]

We haven't got along for a while anyway as I had years of his abusive behaviour, and checked out emotionally. We have older teens, one left home and I moved into their old room last year.

I don't want to divorce because I worked hard for this home and it is my kids home. However last year I found some suspicious texts on his phone. One "you have the potential to join my life and i love that. Is that for you, if not say so x" and a reply from this woman (J) "in answer to your question, i said that if you had given us a chance of a proper relationship things might have worked out".

At first I thought it quite funny as he likes to string women along. I confronted him though and he said it was more a game than a relationship. He's a liar though and frankly nothing that comes out of his mouth, I believe. Anyway he said he would stop contact and block her. He got a new phone, but like the idiot he is put in his DOB as passcode. So I check it today and there she is under a man's name. No intimate talk but he appears to have been visiting her on the east coast. She sent him the postcode, so I googled it, so I know more or less where she lives.

I don't know whether to be angry or amused. I think I am sad because some other woman is getting the 'nice' side of him, whereas I suffered years of rage and abuse at his hands. He can't cope with stress and his previous job was full of it.

Do I just ignore and keep checking the phone? Confront him again? Have an affair myself?

Leaving isn't an option at the moment, but I am getting the little quackers lined up so to speak.

[NotaCoolMum]

Why isn’t leaving an option?

[SpringtimeSummertime]

Does he want to leave? Do you want to leave ? Are you both happy with the arrangement (both checked out) and want an open relationship/ option to have affairs? Do you want a relationship with this man or are you happy just to be housemates?
All depends on the answers to those questions really.
Many people stay in ‘relationships’ for convenience. Do you care if he has another woman?

[thinkIamdone]

I honestly don't know. I'm not happy with the relationship, but don't know what to do.

[thinkIamdone]

I can't leave just yet. I am waiting on a situation I can't discuss here, which will give me somewhere else nice to live. By then all teens will have left home. If I go now I will end up living in some dump as the equity isn't enormous on the house.

Drip feed alert. I am very close to his brother, and have spoken to him so much lately and this has annoyed H and he has accused me and his DB of wanting to start an affair. We haven't and I don't, although I do love him like a brother. Frankly I don't want another relationship. We also live at the other ends of the country. He is single now. I think this other woman thing started around the time H made these accusations so I think its some kind of revenge.

Can I put a tracker on his phone?

[SpringtimeSummertime]

I don’t see the point of a tracker.
If you’re going to leave just wait it out and let him get on with whatever.

[username12345T]

Can I put a tracker on his phone?

OP you need to give yourself a shake. You're in an abusive relationship with someone who has affairs and 'rages' and now you want to track him!

Do you think any of this is healthy? The people I feel sorry for are those children who grew up with this shitfest of a relationship.

Who cares if this wanker is shagging for Britain? Let him get on with it. Go and see a therapist if you can't leave and work out why you've stayed for so long in this clusterfuck of a relationship. Try BACP for a therapist and hurry those ducks along as you seem to be losing it.

[thinkIamdone]

But if I divorce him I will need solid grounds he can't dispute. He is likely to be an arse just for the sake of it. If I had evidence of an affair it would be easy to get a quick divorce. Unreasonable behaviour he is likely to argue against, as he would like to ruin me financially if he could. I don't have enough for a lot of legal fees.

My kids are fine, and didn't witness abuse/neglect/selfishness. They get on reasonably well with him. His abuse was verbal (when we were alone), selfish, uncaring, entitled and so on.

[username12345T]

@thinkIamdone

But if I divorce him I will need solid grounds he can't dispute. He is likely to be an arse just for the sake of it. If I had evidence of an affair it would be easy to get a quick divorce. Unreasonable behaviour he is likely to argue against, as he would like to ruin me financially if he could. I don't have enough for a lot of legal fees.

My kids are fine, and didn't witness abuse/neglect/selfishness. They get on reasonably well with him. His abuse was verbal (when we were alone), selfish, uncaring, entitled and so on.

If he's abusive and you have evidence of that you can take a look here to see if you can get legal aid: www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

You can also try the Family Law Panel for a solicitor: thefamilylawpanel.org/ Some of them can give an hour of free advice, others have reduced costs or other ways to pay if you don't have the money (such as installments)

You can divorce on the grounds of 'unreasonable behaviour' which your husband is if he's raging and cheating on you. But speak to a solicitor about this.

There's more info here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/ways-to-end-your-marriage/ This is for England, look up where you are if in another part of the UK

[SortingItOut]

All a judge cares about for unreasonable behaviour is that you found it unreasonable, it doesnt matter what your ex thinks.
Divorce on unreasonable behaviour is quicker than adultery.

I divorced recently under unreasonable behaviour and my ex had 3 options for his reply - disagree, agree, or disagree but proceed. He opted for the 3rd.

Disagree would mean a court hearing would have been held and the chances of a judge not agreeing with you are slim to none.
If you say his behaviour upset/annoyed/scared you then its unreasonable behaviour.

Divorce for adultery has to be within 6 months of finding out (i think) so you couldn't get evidence now and divorce in 5 years.

Just lay low and keep a diary of his behaviour.
Get copies of all paperwork and try to save some money to pay for solicitors etc

[EasterEggBelly]

Divorce on unreasonable behaviour is quicker than adultery
This is my experience too.

My exH did admit to unreasonable behaviour but wouldn’t admit to the affair because that involved putting the affair partner on the paperwork and she was a work colleague.

Get some proper legal advice and get out sooner rather then later.

[MMmomDD]

OP - divorcing on unreasonable behaviour is as easy as adultery. Him disputing doesnt change much. And you will have enough - starting from breakdown of intimacy - you sleep in separate rooms, I presume you aren’t sleeping together anymore....

As to the rest. You can’t have it all. Your relationship has broken down. You withdrew from him. There is no working on mending it.
Not from you, or him. There is no marriage.
You are only staying for the house and lifestyle.
So - why would you assume that he is faithful? People need emotional and physical connection to another person. You as a couple have given up on that and are just staying in this ‘marriage’ as an economic arrangement.

Rather than putting trackers on it - focus on your life and figuring out what you’ll do once circumstances change.
And, btw, I hope you aren’t waiting for an inheritance that would give you ‘a nice lace to live’. He may have a claim on it. So - I’d make sure you are prepared and protected from the legal side of things.

[thinkIamdone]

@MMmomDD I'm not waiting on an inheritance, but my Dsis and I have plans for a west country caravan park. She has the land and planning permission, and is waiting on some annuities maturing. She has permission for a small property, which is semi detached on the site, where we intend to manage the park. It will be 2 years of so before this is ready to go and I will put my half of this house into the project.

So basically I have to sit it out here with H until this can get moving. No point selling, buying and then selling again just to get away from the current situation. I just need to plan my exit carefully and with the least fuss and live here with someone I despise in the meantime.

Having slept on it I no longer am interested in his affair but will get evidence and if he is awkward about a quick divorce will just let everyone know about it. i think that will focus his mind and he will agree as he likes to appear the good guy. Not a course I want to take but when the time comes I need a quick exit.

Just have to put up with the day to day disrespect and laziness, but I've put up with it years already, so I can do 18 months more.

[madroid]

Why not rent in the meantime. One of my biggest regrets is not getting out of a bad marriage faster. It eats away at your soul and does you damage that you can't necessarily see at the time but them have to get over.

At least start with getting proper legal advice from a solicitor to start your divorce?

[Anordinarymum]

Sell up and rent somewhere is the easy answer. Why put up with this when you can move on and enjoy life

[MotherOfGodWeeFella]

I really don't get the waiting for x to happen in a relationship as bad as this. Start now - it could take a couple of years to get to the point where the house is sold.

[Maze76]

You have the option of separating while living together as housemates. If you choose to do this then you need to accept the marriage is over and you are both free to pursue other relationships. Set rules like agreeing not to bring new partners to the marital home etc. But from the sound of it, I don’t think you actually know what you want.

[GelfBride]

Mind he doesn't find this thread and scupper your plans OP.

Agree don't try for the shitshow of getting him on adultery. That's a hard road to tread and the frustration would kill you and he would bloody love that! Start now or anything you make will be partly his.

[thinkIamdone]

@Anordinarymum

Sell up and rent somewhere is the easy answer. Why put up with this when you can move on and enjoy life

I can't sell up as the DC are still here (teens) and we are mortgate free, so £600 ish a month to rent is just money down the drain.

I can put up with him if I know there is an end in sight. Its not ideal I know but I think the living together but apart, is my only option for now.
I don't want the conversation with him, its not worth the emotional effort, so for now I'll let him do what he wants and let him think I am in blissful ignorance. I don't even want another relationship. 2 shit ones are enough for me. I have friends, job and hobbies (when it all opens up again), so I will keep him in ignorance of my future plans (he isn't on MN) and leave him to his --

[MyOctopusFeature]

I thought it took two years to get a divorce and therefore more to end up with the assets sold and split. The business in the south west looks a great move but you may not be ready to start that if you wait. Kids' position comes first of course but in my experience they will need some time to get used to the idea also. Best to get the divorce and all that under your belt so you can start this new project afresh. You will need proper legal and commercial agreements with DSIS to protect each other also.

[LibbyL92]

For divorce purposes I’d wait it out and catch him red handed. Sit back and watch the game.

Especially if you’re really not bothered by what he’s doing.

[OnlyInYourDreams]

Tbh you’re cutting your nose off here to spite your face.

You’re no longer married, not in real terms anyway. You sleep in separate bedrooms, live separate lives, and your kids are stuck in the middle of this shot show, and yes, of course they know, you’re in separate bedrooms ffs.

As for the equity, there is no knowing that you will have more equity in the house in the next two years, and your DH could decide to divorce you in the meantime if he’s met someone else.

you really need to think about looking to rent now rather than a couple of years down the line. As much for your children’s benefit as anyone else’s.

[thinkIamdone]

@OnlyInYourDreams There is no need to be aggressive. It is not a shit show. Kids get on well with H. We are superficially polite to one another and cooperate if necessary...he puts windscreen wash in my car, I help him with online stuff which he is too impatient to do. There is no screaming tantrums, if fact his rages (always away from the kids ) have pretty much stopped. The marriage is just dead.

I'm not going to pay ridiculous amounts in rent when I have a decent home here and I won't disrupt the kids at this time in their lives.

I will see a solicitor in the coming months though to see how best to get the ball rolling. What he does with the mysterious Jackie is of no interest to me any more, but I will keep gathering the evidence, even if it is just for the satisfaction of throwing it in his face when the time comes. I don't like him but I can tolerate him.

[Fabiofatshaft1]

I’m a bit confused.

You can’t stand him, hate to talk to him, sleep in separate bedrooms but superficially get on and help each other.

One minute you want to put a tracker on his car the next, you couldn’t give a flying toss...

You are not interested in what he does anymore and you’ve emotionally checked out, but you are going to keep gathering evidence to throw in his face, when you can get a quick no fault divorce.

The children get on with him so presumably he’s a good Dad if a bad husband.

You don’t want to stay, but you say you can’t leave !?

I hope your sisters and your plan comes together, but what if it doesn’t !? What’s your plan B or C !?

Two years of misery for a dream that might not materialise !?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m on your side. I hate abusive liars and cheaters, but what’s his long term plans because they could greatly impact on yours.....

I’m just a little confused about your view and perception of your husband and your feelings towards him.

‘ We get on superficially O.K. He puts screen washer in my car ‘ Eh !?

[Onthedunes]

What would you like to happen op.

I think if op has been subjected to abuse for many years there will be confusion and indecision. Normal rules do not always apply and op's responses to her husbands behaviour may seem strange to others.

Maybe this is her coping strategy, it seems there is more to this than meets the eye.
Would you be open to tell us what abuse he has inflicted on you op.?

[Fabiofatshaft1]

@Onthedunes

I can’t disagree with you. It just seems to me, despite everything she says about having checked out some time ago, she’s still invested in him which is fucking with her head.