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Awaiting a call in the next hour or so, upset with my parents.(165 Posts)
I've NC'd for this but long term poster and reader.
Where do I start?
I'm awaiting my weekly phone call from my mum.
Last weekend, following my birthday mid week, we had planned to go out, perhaps to the coast and go to see my parents. I've not seen them since Christmas Eve when I drove to them with gifts and spent as long as could standing in their cold garden.
Anyway during a call last Saturday, I agree the plan with my mum. Gets up Sunday and just before we leave home I pick up a FB message to say 'Don't think it is a good idea for you to come here today, your DB is here fitting out the bathroom'. I respond with 'oh, ok'.
I'm a grown up but I was so upset. Long running NC with my DB, however I've always made it clear that I will talk to him, that I'm ok with being in the same place as him. He doesn't want that.
My mum will be ringing in an hour. I'm nervous and busy planning how I address this.
I've not gone into detail of the long running saga, it would take hours...but I'm happy to add detail. I really need some help!
I know my mum will try not to mention this, my parents don't address issues so I'm going to have to bring this up. Recently my DS visited, as he was running an errand for them and was also left outside without any introduction to his uncle or cousin who were there at the time. When I raised that the answer was ' oh I didn't know your DS had seen him'. I really don't like how things are left to fester and never addressed.
My parents won't address any of this with my DB, at the time of the fall out he wasn't in touch with them for 8 years afterwards. They don't want that to happen again.
Sorry, I'll shut up now!
To be honest I can't see what you are so upset about and need to address I'm afraid!
They cancelled your visit because your db was there. Whilst you say you would talk to him, you say you are NC. The visit would no doubt be full of tension surely? Just difficult. Best to make it another day.
Why would your parents introduce your son to his uncle and cousin who you are NC with?
It seems you are giving mixed messages about your level of NC.
I would leave it and meet up another time. Continue to leave your DB out of it.
So your brother is NC with you, not the other way round?
What caused him to go NC?
Which part are you looking to address?
That your visit didn't take priority over your db's bathroom fitting or that your ds wasn't introduced? Or something else?
It sounds like your dm wants to avoid conflict. I'm sure there's more context to this but on just the op, I'm a bit confused
Sorry but you can't be NC with your brother but still retain pleasantries if in the same location, it just doesn't work like that.
However it doesn't sound like you choose to be NC and that this is your brothers choice? Unfortunately you can only observe the boundaries set in place and sadly this isn't for your parents to intervene and foist a conversation between your son and his uncle.
I would speak to your parents but not discuss your brother or indeed expect them to make any introductions between your and your brother's family.
Perhaps they also thought it would be awkward to have their bathroom out of use too. And no, sadly if you are NC with him then they are stuck in the middle aren't they. Their bathroom is being done and I assume it's a priority at the moment and he is the one doing it. It's hard, but they aren't going to invite you both in when it will cause a row.
Your brother is NC with you and your mother is respecting his wishes.
Nothing to address.
Interesting, thanks for your thoughts. Yes we are NC at my brothers insistence, not mine. I'd quite happily be in the same place as him and talk to him.
I suppose it builds on years of this and nothing is ever resolved.
My parents lived abroad for a few years. I visited at the same time every year with my DC's as the timings fit with their dad.
My DB booked his stay with them one year in the middle of mine. I suggested I moved out for that period and rented locally, so that we could still have a holiday with them.
My DP's didn't think my DB would be happy even with that . I ended up not being able to go at all. My dad was infuriated with me for not changing my dates.
I suppose in this call I want to be able to plan ahead and
I’m sure your parents would all their family to get on. But you don’t. They are allowed to manage that in a way that works for them. There is nothing rude or hurtful in the way they have acted.
So it's how you feel about how they deal with the issues between you and your brother?
I assume your brother is NC with you are a reason that is good for him. Do your parents agree with his reason do you think? Have you done something awful to warrant being cut out of his life?
I think you need to either speak to your brother or accept that your parents are in an impossible position. It sounds like they perhaps take your brothers side a bit? Without knowing what you did, it's hard to know if that is justified.
Actually I can see why you are upset. You made plans on Saturday for the next day -they cancelled with less than 24 hours notice because someone who is refusing to talk to you if there. They have prioritised him & his feelings over you. They have prioritised their bathroom over your birthday.
Hurt of course you would be.
Do you want to be IC with your brother? Mine is NC with me and has rebuffed me over the years, refused to be at my parents if I am there etc -but I would love a relationship and genuinely don't know what I ever did to him.
I think your mum was trying to avoid an awkward situation, I would be annoyed that the bathroom fitting was done on the day you had planned ( why couldn’t they move it and why you were told so late) but they sound like they are trying to keep you both happy. Obviously your brother wants nothing to do with you, just because you are ok with seeing him doesn’t mean he has to be ok with seeing you. Why should your day know his uncle if you two aren’t talking? Also it seems incredibly selfish to have always booked the same visit to your parents (in school holidays by any chance?) if you want to address it may be say you were upset that they arranged the bathroom fitting for the same day and cancelled so late.
They have prioritised their bathroom over your birthday.
This is just grown up life though. It's highly likely that that was the only day the brother could do it and the OP's birthday was midweek, not on the Sunday anyway.
It sounds as if he is always the priority? You're expected to change your plans and fit around his visits to avoid meeting, even though it's his choice to be NC and you'd happily be civil?
And your parents don't prioritise you for fear that will make him go NC with them also?
I tend to think that if one family member wants to go NC it's down to them to avoid the others, not to expect everyone else to dance around them.
I can see that fitting a bathroom is a tricky one to move around maybe and that might have to have priority - but I also suspect that if it was just this one occasion OP might be more willing to work around it all, but it's not just this occasion.
I think you're being treated unfairly OP, but if your parents are in fear of him cutting contact with them as well I can't see things changing much.
They prioritise your brother's need to not see you over your established plans, i think is what you're saying. That's rude. It's like when we were at school and person A didn't like person B - you didn't cancel your plans with person B because person A decided they were coming round to watch Grease.
It also sounds like your B demands this behaviour from them: oh @HotelChoc is coming round on Saturday is she? Well that's the only day I can fit your bathroom like I promised so you'll have to tell her no. Instead of waiting till Sunday, given it's him that's making the NC demand.
I think you're right to be hurt and upset but I would say that your DPs are probably walking on eggshells around all this and trying to manage it as best they can. They've seen how your brother treats you and don't want it happening to them. I think (unless there's another back story) that is poor behaviour but at the same time understandable? But completely understand that it will make you feel shitty too.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I would feel a bit hurt in your shoes too OP. I don't understand those who don't understand (but I'm not criticising them I just don't understand them). Maybe you could just say 'i was a bit hurt that you prioritised DB on my birthday when we'd made plans' to which she will probably say 'i was prioritising my bathroom' to which you say 'ok' and nothing else happens but at least it's out there, which is a small step forward isn't it?
Your mom is worried that your brother will cut her off again. She doesn't have that worry with you so expects you should be the one to be flexible. Its probably not even a conscious thought.
I'd bring it up in a "this is how you made me feel" way.
I don't subscribe to "he must be NC for a good reason". I know from experience that there isn't always a good reason.
Lots of comments centre on your parents cancelling you to see your brother, but you said
“ Last weekend, following my birthday mid week, we had planned to go out, perhaps to the coast and go to see my parents.”
So had you made arrangements to go to see your parents or was it wishy washy like this? If you had said “we’re going out for my birthday and might pop over” (but equally might not) then I don’t blame them for making other plans. They shouldn’t have to keep their weekends free just in case you pop by. In this case make proper firm arrangements and see if it helps.
I think the crucial bit of information is who NCd who and why.
I think your parents spoilt him and still are because they are scared 8f rocking the boat.
Yes I would be hurt they cancelled you coming,you have feelings to.As far as I can see they are facilitating this whole saga whether they know it or not
I'd be upset they prioritised sibling over you.
I would raised this, too. Not sure you will hear what you want if he has always been golden son to them.
Your DB made the decision to go NC with you
That generally has a huge back story
Clearly your parents feel he had justifiable reasons to and support his decision
Don't know why he decided to go NC with you but he was also NC with your parents for 8 years. They're scared of it happening again whereas they know they'll always have contact with you. It sounds like you're all being held to ransom by him. I would be upset too but then as a parent, I know how difficult it must be to lose contact with a child and it is the one relationship I would do anything to save.
Clearly your parents feel he had justifiable reasons to and support his decision
Of course we only have one side of the story but I don't think that's clear at all.