How do you move on when you've had no closure

(73 Posts)
Howtomoveon21 Thu 29-Apr-21 06:55:34

My partner of 2 years decided he was going to move back to his house as he wants to renovate it and not let it out anymore. We've had some problems but he was always just going to move out at the end of March and we'd still carry on in a relationship. Whether that was his intention or not I don't know.

Mid March he moved some more stuff out and stayed the night at his house after visiting his mother, and then he basically didn't come back. The night he spent at his house just affirmed that he wanted to live alone or at least not with me, and he didn't want to continue with our relationship. He came over two days later,and surprised me with a break up. I say surprise, I wasn't really but was upset obviously.

I've tried to get over it during the past 6 weeks but I'm really struggling and would appreciate some advice.

We don't have children together but we have a dog. Previously he showed no interest in taking the dog but he wants him at weekends. Full disclosure he paid paid the purchase price of the dog but I did all the rearing and day to day care as I work from home. Dog still lives with me.

Whilst it's not my business what he now does in his spare time, he started dating very quickly and took the dog on a date. I can't let go of the fact that it's our dog and two weeks after leaving he was taking him out with another woman. Which I think is a silly way to think but I can't seem to change my way of thinking. I tried to cut complete contact but he wouldn't let me, he threatened to take the dog to his mums (she hates me) which triggered a really bad episode for me.

He simply has moved on, has a new girlfriend, we're not on good terms because I've just been abandoned and I feel such rage that he's just moved on from day 1.

He agreed to let me have a month of no communication meaning he doesn't see the dog and he hopes that after a month I'll be able to tolerate him picking the dog up. But I know I won't....I know I will be bitter that I do all the grunt work, he takes dog off for a jolly weekend with his new girlfriend. It's that constant reminder.

Any advice on how I can stop being a muppet?I'm disappointed in myself

OP’s posts: |
Howtomoveon21 Thu 29-Apr-21 06:56:31

Dogs microchip and insurance is in my name

OP’s posts: |
Feminem Thu 29-Apr-21 07:05:40

Refund him for the purchase price of the dog (or don't) & tell him to get his own. He has no rights. He left. Tell him to take you to court.

This contact will make you miserable op. End it now.

Bluntness100 Thu 29-Apr-21 07:11:35

I think he left for the other woman. Sharing the dog isn’t going to work so you need to make a decision together. If he can’t habe the dog full time then you keep it and it’s a clean split.

Howtomoveon21 Thu 29-Apr-21 07:21:52

I offered the purchase price and he rejected that and said he could take him from me if he wanted. Ive tried to be reasonable but now I've taken to having all the doors constantly locked, cctv is plugged back in. All over a dog!

I firmly believe I need to never speak to him again or I'll never get over the hurt

OP’s posts: |
NotaCoolMum Thu 29-Apr-21 07:24:11

Bluntness100

I think he left for the other woman. Sharing the dog isn’t going to work so you need to make a decision together. If he can’t habe the dog full time then you keep it and it’s a clean split.

Agreed- I think this “new” GF isn’t as new as he’s letting you believe. In regard to the dog, it’s registered in your name so you are the legal owner. Tell him to fuck off. 💐

NotaCoolMum Thu 29-Apr-21 07:28:03

Ok I fact checked and I’m wrong- registered microchip etc doesn’t necessarily make you the legal owner- however, I still stand by what I said in my pp. Tell him to fuck off. Do you think he’d take legal action in regards to the dog? X

LittleBookOfKalms Thu 29-Apr-21 07:35:39

Tell him he can take you to court over the dog If he wants. He made the choice to leave, let him suck up the consequences.

That new girlfriend isn't that new either imo. So he's probably a cheat as well. Why should you be civil to a man who has behaved so badly towards you? Fuck that noise.

jannyapple Thu 29-Apr-21 07:44:06

So sorry you feel like this .. but
Thank fuck you have now seen this twats true colours and are no longer tied to him! Celebrate your freedom , it's her problem now .. you are single , take some time for yourself and then move on
Tell him .. see you in court if you want access to my dog - feel free to go to a rescue place and get a new one for you and your new gf to train and live together
Adios loser !

Pyewackect Thu 29-Apr-21 07:50:09

Give him the dog and get one for yourself. Then forget he ever existed.

NotaCoolMum Thu 29-Apr-21 07:57:33

Pyewackect

Give him the dog and get one for yourself. Then forget he ever existed.

Are you fucking kidding?! Why should she give up her dog?! He chose to leave op and the dog- he can get a new dog! You do know that people actually LOVE their dogs right?..... 🤦🏻‍♀️

anxietyanonymous Thu 29-Apr-21 08:02:59

I understand you are getting over a break up but i think you are being slightly irrational
OTT.

If the dog is dropped off and picked
Up at the same time every weekend.
And you have the lead and a bag of things ready by the door. There should be no need for any phone contact at all. And just to open the door the dog will run out and hand over stuff and a banal but polite 'have a good weekend see you sunday'. It will get easier. If you make it too hostile and
Dramatic then he might not bring him back one day. In his eyes you split up he
Met someone else and did nothing
Wrong.

You do seem fixated on them and what they are doing. Focus on yourself. Plan to walk with a friend or go for a run after each pick up to get the anger out. Everything gets easier with time.

Whatisthisfuckery Thu 29-Apr-21 08:03:25

1. If there’s any possibility he’s still got keys to your house then change your locks. Put security cameras up if possible.

2. Copy and securely store all communications with him saying he wants doggy at the weekend.

3. Send him an email or message saying that the weekend arrangement with the dog doesn’t work for you, and that you will offer him the purchase price of the dog to compensate him.

4. If he refuses and kicks off tell him small claims court is that way ->

5. If he’s daft enough to take you to small claims court you’ll have evidence that he doesn’t even want doggy full time, and that you offered him reimbursement and he refused.

Check mate and enjoy the rest of your life.

JackieWeaverFever Thu 29-Apr-21 08:10:36

What an arsehole.

Email him and tell him the dog isn't his, it recognises you as its owner, you dont agree to contact with the dog or dog sharing and he is not to contact you again.
If he believes it is his right he should take you to court. (Hint he wont)
Block him on your phone social media and email.

JackieWeaverFever Thu 29-Apr-21 08:11:05

Ps you have been way too nice

Yellowhighheels Thu 29-Apr-21 08:40:50

anxietyanonymous she's not being OTT.

I'm an animal lover and understand people love their pets but it's a dog, not a child and she has mostly cared for it until now. Why should she have to see this man every weekend or have this arrangement hanging over her indefinitely?

Doesn't sound like he was that bothered about the dog before anyway whereas she has done everything for it, and he hasn't behaved very well so I don't see why OP should facilitate this and prolong the misery of having him around every week.

I would call his bluff here as PPs have suggested and tell him to seek legal advice. I had a look purely out of interest and although it's not a clearly defined area of law, a lot of weight is given to day to day care, who is registered with the vet and microchip etc: doglaw.co.uk/civil/ownership-custody-disputes/

It probably won't come to this anyway but if you refund him the purchase price via bank transfer and have an audit trail then it may strengthen your argument, or he might be more likely to drop it.

I feel that, although he probably cares about the dog, the care, training and attachment wasn't equal and as he has left and moved on he should do the gracious thing and allow OP to do the same.

cheeseismydownfall Thu 29-Apr-21 09:23:36

From the sounds of things your dog is relatively young - the idea of 'co-parenting' it for the next ten years is absurd and your ex is being utterly ridiculous. And why should he get the weekends? The nice long walks without any of the hassle of juggling dog ownership with working? Fuck that!

Agree with other posters - you need to tell him that his continued contact with the dog does not work for you and if he wants to take the matter further he will need to go through the small claims court. If you have already suggested compensation then there is no need to do so again in my opinion. What a dick.

Newbie96 Thu 29-Apr-21 09:29:17

I hope you're okay, I know how you feel right now Howtomoveon21 flowers

Honestly, it sounds like a control tactic to prevent YOU from moving on and a way of keeping YOU in his life, especially as you said he never really made an effort with the dog until he decided to leave.

I'd cut contact with him, the dog is yours and he has made his bed, so although it doesn't feel that way yet, good riddance x

Amdone123 Thu 29-Apr-21 09:38:26

First of all, you are not a muppet, you are not acting ott and you have a right to feel upset. ( Just thank God, it was 2 years, not 10 and marriage and children involved)

Secondly, whilst a part of me thinks that if after 1 month, you are ready to let him have dog at weekends, do as a pp said. Have a bag ready, wave him off and enjoy a dog free weekend. I reckon your ex will lose interest anyway. Let him win this battle, he won't win the war. You are free!

Thirdly, if you are ok with going to a small claims court ( and only you know. I wouldn't, but that's just me), then do it. Again, he will probably lose interest.

Lastly, I think it's normal to feel a bit sad that he's effectively playing happy families with your dog. I would feel the same. Don't beat yourself up. Make plans for you and enjoy.

( FWIW, I, too, love my dog. If my OH took him, I would crawl over a desert of broken glass to retrieve him 🐶)

RantyAnty Thu 29-Apr-21 09:47:30

Agree with telling him to fuck off and delete and block him.

The dog has clearly bonded with you.
Don't worry about court. He's likely to cheap, lazy, and cowardly to do that.

Dery Thu 29-Apr-21 09:50:04

“From the sounds of things your dog is relatively young - the idea of 'co-parenting' it for the next ten years is absurd and your ex is being utterly ridiculous. And why should he get the weekends? The nice long walks without any of the hassle of juggling dog ownership with working? Fuck that!

Agree with other posters - you need to tell him that his continued contact with the dog does not work for you and if he wants to take the matter further he will need to go through the small claims court.”

This. The position might be different if you had been together years and had a reasonably elderly dog but this is a young dog who’s only known you as a unit for a small part of his/her young life. This man chose to end your relationship to be with someone else (agree with PP that he’s probably lying about the timeline). He’s allowed to do that but not keep rubbing your face in it by demanding access to a young dog who will forget about him quickly enough if he’s not around. He’s being ridiculous. Let him buy a dog with his new girlfriend. In this context, I would also pay him back the cost of buying the dog. If you have his bank account details, you can transfer the funds to it.

RealisticSketch Thu 29-Apr-21 10:36:12

Sounds like he foresaw where his move was going a long way ahead and add such he has been quite calculating, he clearly checked out emotionally a long while ago.
You're getting some great advice here, everything whatisthisfuckery said... totally need to cut all ties to move on.
He isn't stupid either, he knows taking the dog makes him look responsible and caring, but he's taking the credit for the work you put in raising the dog, so sod that for a game of soldiers.

Wanderlusto Thu 29-Apr-21 10:50:27

Tbf op you've actually had quite a lot of closure:
* first he told you he was moving out
* he then did move out - after a good long period of time leading up to it
* then he came and told you in person that it was over.

That's way more than most ppl get in terms of closure from anyone.

Yes it sucks that he moved on before you had time to even change the bloody locks but...he doesn't owe you any more closure. You need to make the closure for yourself.

Either give him the dog and cut all contact. Or tell him you are keeping the dog (and send him a bank transfer for it if he purchased it) and that if he harasses you further, you will call the police.

You cant let a dog be held over you like this. You have a decision to make.

coodawoodashooda Thu 29-Apr-21 10:53:09

Wine and time!

Trixie78 Thu 29-Apr-21 10:55:12

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much. This 'new' GF is unlikely to stand for this contact and reminder of you for long. I suspect she'll have surprised him with a gift of a new adorable puppy by the end of your months break. Tell him to do one and keep the dog. Just block him and don't reply anymore.

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