Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

(986 Posts)
Heartbeats0708 Mon 26-Apr-21 06:40:47

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP’s posts: |
Heartbeats0708 Mon 26-Apr-21 06:42:28

Took the liberty of creating a new thread as our previous was filling up fast!
That's exciting @LongtimelurkerL I'm not sure there are any rules?! Do you think he feels the same/ready to say it?

OP’s posts: |
Eesha Mon 26-Apr-21 06:50:23

Thanks for the new thread!

OutingMyself Mon 26-Apr-21 06:50:56

Hey everyone. Can I just ask a quick question?

I've been speaking to a guy for three weeks pretty solidly every day, it's got quite intense from time to time. We've got plans to meet soon. Is it ever okay to ask if they're also speaking to anyone else? That just comes off as possessive doesn't it? Even if it was said in a very casual way?

bangheadhere40 Mon 26-Apr-21 06:51:42

Thanks for the new thread

noodles44 Mon 26-Apr-21 07:12:40

Thanks for the new thread

@OutingMyself I would say it probably could come across as possessive if you ask before having met. If there is a lot of chat then it sounds like they are focussing on you. I know I couldn’t do lots of messages with lots of irons constantly and would definitely favour one who I would chat more too naturally. Is it long until you meet?

Shayelle2009 Mon 26-Apr-21 07:25:08

Checking in 🤚🏼

Shayelle2009 Mon 26-Apr-21 07:26:57

@OutingMyself I think you kind of have to presume that they are ...

SortingItOut Mon 26-Apr-21 07:33:17

@OutingMyself Look at rules 3 & 4.
I think asking about chatting to others is possessive.
I think you should meet soon as chatting intensely for ages builds up an emotional connection that might not be there in person.

SortingItOut Mon 26-Apr-21 07:35:25

@Heartbeats0708 Thanks for the thread.

LongtimelurkerL Mon 26-Apr-21 07:35:41

I agree with @noodles44 - once you’ve met it’s ok but before is a bit love bombing - think about if someone was asking the other way around.

Thanks @sorting and @Heartbeats0708 - if I’m honest it’s been so long since I’ve successfully dated and felt like this I have no idea what I’m ‘meant’ to feel - how do you know it’s not just lust?? We’ve done the ‘I like you a lot’ (replace with other similar words) and told each other we miss each other. Not scared of scaring him off but wouldn’t want him to not be there yet - I’d either want us both to say it or neither of that makes sense

Shayelle2009 Mon 26-Apr-21 07:36:23

Im the opposite.. I like to chat to someone for a good while to see if we’d get on ☺️ Different strokes and all that.

averywittyusername Mon 26-Apr-21 08:10:28

Hi all, just spent an intense hour reading through your previous thread and nodding vigorously! Wow. So insightful. I am thinking about going back onto the apps even though I'm seeing a lovely guy but I am unsure if this will go anywhere. We are both divorced, met 2 years ago, first time on apps for both of us, first date, immediate connection, and we constantly congratulated ourselves for having struck gold on the first go.

The trouble is.. we were living together at mine in the early stage of our relationship which suited us both just fine. He was seeing his DC alternate weekends at the family home where the ex was living, but now the house has been sold and the ex has basically disappeared with her money (she got the bulk of the equity from the house, he's not left with a huge amount) he has moved into a rented property with the DCs. He's happy to be back in their lives and the situation is positive for all of them. They are adult age (youngest finishing A levels so tough time, oldest working). I've been, and am, totally supportive of all of them as much as possible, and my heart goes out to the DC and to him for the tricky situation they're in.

But. As I stand back from the situation, I realise that he won't talk about our future.. whether we have a future as anything more than long distance boyfriend/girlfriend? For reference he used to refer to me as a partner.. I still do, but heard him refer to me as girlfriend the other day and I felt a bit flat.

Ah sorry, I realise that the above is a thread in itself, but I think that you all are good at calling out cocklodging and avoidance strategies and I'm in my mid 50s, relatively stable financially with a nice flat and suddenly wondering whether I'm wasting my time hoping he'll want to move back in with me one day so we could resume the happy, carefree love fest that was our life last year. Just wondering if I've inadvertently been used.. feeling a bit taken for granted but dreading the thought that I'd have to make the call to end it, we do love each other but I want a relationship with a future and there might be someone else out there.. I just thought about having a quick look on bumble hmm but immediately felt awful for even considering it!

averywittyusername Mon 26-Apr-21 09:04:38

PS apologies for just jumping in & writing a long rant blush no need to respond, he's messaged this morning and I think we will go on like this at least until lockdown is over! So much out of our control...

@OutingMyself I agree, maintain that bit of independence and don't ask whether he's chatting to others! It'll be clearer after you meet, and see whether the chemistry is there.

SortingItOut Mon 26-Apr-21 09:24:13

@averywittyusername For now, do not go on dating apps when you're in a relationship - its basically cheating (in my eyes)

Moving in together so quickly seems like he needed somewhere to live and you offered so why not. Not ideal really but its done now. Did he contribute when he lived with you?

Was the plan always that he would get his own place?
It sounds like he's stepped up for his kids (who are adults) by renting somewhere they can live with him. Its right his kids come first no matter their ages.

I think the problem is the goal posts have changed since the start and I wonder how much was discussed between you.

He may not want to live with anyone permanently again. If he lived with you its still your flat and he has no security. Why would anyone put themselves in that position again?

I would go with the flow for now and bring it up at a suitable time in the next month otherwise you'll always be wondering.

How long distance are you?

Onesmallstep67 Mon 26-Apr-21 09:44:36

@averywittyusername, welcome to the thread. Your post didn't read like a rant so no apology needed. Plus we love a good rant. You'll get lots of support, honesty and nudges if needed on here. I've hung around despite being in a RS for over a year because those questions or niggles still exist for many of us as we navigate going forward in the world of dating.
From the outside and what you have said it sounds like he's not really in the right place to start talking about the future as he's had to make this step first, sorting a new home and base for his DC. It's been a time of upheaval for them so he's probably keen to give them a period of calm and stability. That doesn't mean that you are not allowed to feel how you do. Right at the moment though your lives are not quite in step. You are free to make a move together as a couple, he's focusing on providing a new home for his DC.
The question now is how long this stage lasts and whether it suits you ? Going from living together to this probably feel like a back step in the RS. From the outside it seems a necessary one though , as a parent. Once his youngest has finished A levels are they off to uni ? I'm a similar age to you and my DP is in a different situation but it's currently - and probably for the foreseeable future- preventing us from living together. For the time being though I am prepared to stick it out because I am hopeful it can be resolved - and because we're not quite ready for the 24/7

cravingthelook Mon 26-Apr-21 12:07:19

Checking in. I just had a moment, saw that Mr HT is in our home town on Facebook and burst into tears. Just a sad moment knowing that it has no hope if he didn't even tell me he was going. I knew it had no hope but I do keep hoping.

SpringlikeBunk Mon 26-Apr-21 12:14:09

Thanks for new thread

Feeling very busy at moment MrSaw just messaged to ask me to come as soon as I get into town tomorrow but I’m a bit too wound up to think about it.

@averywittyusername

Welcome!smile

I guess I’d just be mindful that your guy is contributing how and when he should be?

Even though you’re happy he’s happy with his children you have your needs too

if it’s emotionally good I’d just enjoy it, but also make sure he’s financially pulling his weight and contributing, and in a willing fashion?

I’ve only dated someone with children once (older)

the assumptions he seemed to be working with were that as his ex wife had the house, any new woman would have to “make up the difference” so he and his children could have assets/easier lives/desired standard of living, which is utter nonsense!

Wasn’t my problem as far as I was concerned.

I think this is quite common - divorced men triangulating ex-wives with new partners so the new partners feel they have to “fight for the relationship” and make the situation easier for the children and the man and the ex-wife whilst financially losing out?

averywittyusername Mon 26-Apr-21 13:14:20

Thanks all for the warm welcome grin OLD, and dating in general, is so tricky when you can see when someone's online, what they're posting on Facebook, whether they've read your message and not responded.. angry

@Onesmallstep67 interesting! Good question re next year. Taking a year out before uni but no plans as such. I just can't believe that his ex wife has basically left the DCs , I was totally into supporting mine with uni applications etc.. mine are older and independent. I totally supported him renting with DCs to provide stability, in fact suggested it, but didn't realise it would cut me out of the picture.

I think I felt slightly smug at first because I hit it off with the first guy I met (I'll call him MrNiceGuy) and things are still good. But I am not getting any younger, if MrNG is going to live with his kids for the foreseeable future I don't want to be hanging around as the Friday night girlfriend, aged 60.. I go to their house which is fine, but It selfishly suited me to have him here, although it was never discussed as a permanent solution.

I won't go into OLD sites (I downloaded bumble & felt awful, so wrong, I've no need to cheat on him! Deleted immediately, didn't even log in) but it's so hard to know what to do, when you have a niggling doubt that something isn't right.

Mayzee Mon 26-Apr-21 13:23:16

Just checking in on the new thread. Will have a read back smile

Onesmallstep67 Mon 26-Apr-21 13:29:02

@averywittyusername, at 2 years in and keen on each other I think I would have an open conversation with him. It seems likely that he's going to want to offer uni aged DC somewhere to come home to and for the gap year prior to uni. So that's 4 years taken care of. If you are made welcome at his then that's a big positive. I get the desire not to be Friday night GF though. Do you see a viable alternative for him if he needs to offer his DC a base ? I guess that is where your quandry comes from.

Onesmallstep67 Mon 26-Apr-21 13:38:27

@Mayzee, sorry I didn't respond after I had floated the question about Mr TG before the weekend. I think you said that a conversation was needed but obviously not always easy to have. Like a lot of our situations on here, lockdown hasn't made seeing each other and building momentum very easy at times. And remembering what you had written about him not long being back in Ireland, living with parents etc. I think you should bite the bullet next time you are together and maybe talk about what next for you both ? Say it'd be nice as to see a little more of each other or to have a date or two pencilled in, that the time feels right from your point of view to take things up a notch or two and how does he feel about that ?

WeWantTheFinestWines Mon 26-Apr-21 14:45:49

Thanks for the new thread

frankiefirstyear Mon 26-Apr-21 15:33:01

Thanks for the new thread 😄

BelladiMamma Mon 26-Apr-21 17:13:51

Thank you & bookmarking

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