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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

351 replies

captainfran · 21/04/2021 18:46

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

OP posts:

Report

Kaleidoscopecascade · 21/04/2021 18:48

Ask him why he's parring his child off too! Double standards cheeky twat!

UhtredRagnarson · 21/04/2021 18:48

DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed.

So he can quit his job and look after his child then. Why is he making this your problem?

marchez · 21/04/2021 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AZisgreat · 21/04/2021 18:49

Have you asked for part-time as a happy medium or just assumed it won't be available? I think this sort of issue should have been agreed in advance but I suppose the reality of having a child can change the situation and how you feel.

romdowa · 21/04/2021 18:51

Tell him to pack in his job so and make some dad friends.

Love51 · 21/04/2021 18:53

Double standards here are astounding!
Ask what he's planning to out on his flexible working request - part time, 9 day fortnight, condensed hours?

KnobJockey · 21/04/2021 18:54

What was your response to him?

Wanderlusto · 21/04/2021 18:54

So has offered to pack his job in or cut his hours instead? I bet not. Double standards much.

If make it bloody clear that you are not just 'mother', you have a life to live and are entitled to do so. It isnt 1940.

thefirstmrsrochester · 21/04/2021 18:55

If your husband doesn’t want your baby in nursery 4 days a week then what changes is he making in his working life to make this happen?

TorringtonDean · 21/04/2021 18:56

Yes he should quit his job then and suffer the subsequent problems with returning to work later.

RandomMess · 21/04/2021 18:57

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

sashagabadon · 21/04/2021 18:58

Agree with everyone else! Ask what two days a week will he be giving up and you can cover 2 and one day in nursery. Perfect!

SheldonesqueTheSecondComing · 21/04/2021 19:00

My goodness isn’t he the peach?

Fine for him to be weekend dad but not for you to be a working mum?

Look after yourself first Lovely. If you are happy and content then so will your little one be.

user1471530109 · 21/04/2021 19:01

What's 'parring off'? It must be a regional thing?

Go back to work. If he has issues with this after 6 months, suggest you both look at jobs where by you can both work 4 days a week? I know a couple who did this and it appeared to work really well for them.

I certainly would be making it clear that he has no right to suggest that YOU give up YOUR career and he needs to come up with a different solution if he's not happy.

captainfran · 21/04/2021 19:02

Part time isn't an option as we've moved and I've had to find a new job. We planned to move before the baby was here but it took forever. I haven't been able to find anything part time there's not a lot of jobs here either. They have told me they might have a part time position from September but there's no guarantee.

OP posts:

FlyingBurrito · 21/04/2021 19:03

I don't know what parring off means, is it allowing different people to look after him, but what you are describing is a fairly normal mix of childcare for working parents ime. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

captainfran · 21/04/2021 19:03

@KnobJockey

What was your response to him?

That he was parring his baby off too, he said that's not the same apparently.

OP posts:

SheldonesqueTheSecondComing · 21/04/2021 19:03

I haven’t heard it either user but took it to be like palming off.

captainfran · 21/04/2021 19:04

@RandomMess

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances

I have a fear you may be right

. He's gotten too comfortable with me doing everything.

OP posts:

SheldonesqueTheSecondComing · 21/04/2021 19:05

He said it isn’t the same OP?

I think he will find it bloody well is!

FeckTheMagicDragon · 21/04/2021 19:06

Tell him he’s a sexist twat, your baby has two parents and also that your career progression is equally as important as his. I’m he has no plans to do his bit then you may want to rethink your future relationship.

RevolutionRadio · 21/04/2021 19:06

Ask him to be SAHD and you go back to work

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captainfran · 21/04/2021 19:07

Yes palming off (maybe that's the correct phrase and we've just made that up?).

OP posts:

audweb · 21/04/2021 19:07

Yeah if he’s that concerned he can quit or reduce hours and look after your baby. It is the same, the baby is equally yours. His argument is pathetic.

I went back to work full time just before my DD was a year old. Thank god I did, because her dad, (who was also a “weekend dad” ) split up and now I am the sole provider, in a solid position because I went back to work when I did.

That aside, there’s nothing wrong with returning to work - and your daughter will be well cared for. For my own mental health I needed to work, and it meant a happier mum for my daughter.

NoSquirrels · 21/04/2021 19:07

DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week

He’d better start considering what changes he can make in his career, then. Sexist shit.

I would NOT be looking for a part-time role if I were you. Don’t give up anything if your partner isn’t supportive and equally involved.

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