DP said I'm 'parring my baby off' by going back to work.

(352 Posts)
captainfran Wed 21-Apr-21 18:46:32

This has come out of nowhere. I'm going back to work next week, full time. Part time isn't an option, unfortunately. 1 year old DS will be in nursery 4 days a week (my mum will be having him for one day). We won't be much better off financially but I suppose the main reason is I'm bored shitless at home (as well as career progression). I know things are opening back up now but we've just moved to a new area and there really isn't much to do around here anyway. All of the baby groups here fall on DS's nap times.

Anyway, after being seemingly supportive DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed. He then said I'm parring my baby off and will only see him at weekends. Firstly this is simply not true, I will finish at 4:30 most days. He then basically said that I have no friends and why can't I just make friends with other mums if I'm bored. Never mind the fact that he has basically been a 'weekend dad' since DS was 2 weeks old and all of his friends except 1 he's met through work.

I'm really shocked and upset. I feel bad enough as it is about going back to work.

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Kaleidoscopecascade Wed 21-Apr-21 18:48:47

Ask him why he's parring his child off too! Double standards cheeky twat!

UhtredRagnarson Wed 21-Apr-21 18:48:58

DP has just told me that he doesn't think it's worth it financially and he doesn't particularly want our baby in nursery 4 days a week and that we'll both be more stressed.

So he can quit his job and look after his child then. Why is he making this your problem?

marchez Wed 21-Apr-21 18:49:26

Suggest to him that if he doesnt want the baby in nursery, that HE gives up work to look after them.

Sure he will refuse, so why is it down to you to do it? You have the right to work etc just as much as he does

AZisgreat Wed 21-Apr-21 18:49:56

Have you asked for part-time as a happy medium or just assumed it won't be available? I think this sort of issue should have been agreed in advance but I suppose the reality of having a child can change the situation and how you feel.

romdowa Wed 21-Apr-21 18:51:18

Tell him to pack in his job so and make some dad friends.

Love51 Wed 21-Apr-21 18:53:21

Double standards here are astounding!
Ask what he's planning to out on his flexible working request - part time, 9 day fortnight, condensed hours?

KnobJockey Wed 21-Apr-21 18:54:13

What was your response to him?

Wanderlusto Wed 21-Apr-21 18:54:28

So has offered to pack his job in or cut his hours instead? I bet not. Double standards much.

If make it bloody clear that you are not just 'mother', you have a life to live and are entitled to do so. It isnt 1940.

thefirstmrsrochester Wed 21-Apr-21 18:55:41

If your husband doesn’t want your baby in nursery 4 days a week then what changes is he making in his working life to make this happen?

TorringtonDean Wed 21-Apr-21 18:56:45

Yes he should quit his job then and suffer the subsequent problems with returning to work later.

RandomMess Wed 21-Apr-21 18:57:01

What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances


sashagabadon Wed 21-Apr-21 18:58:37

Agree with everyone else! Ask what two days a week will he be giving up and you can cover 2 and one day in nursery. Perfect!

SheldonesqueTheSecondComing Wed 21-Apr-21 19:00:50

My goodness isn’t he the peach?

Fine for him to be weekend dad but not for you to be a working mum?

Look after yourself first Lovely. If you are happy and content then so will your little one be.

user1471530109 Wed 21-Apr-21 19:01:43

What's 'parring off'? It must be a regional thing?

Go back to work. If he has issues with this after 6 months, suggest you both look at jobs where by you can both work 4 days a week? I know a couple who did this and it appeared to work really well for them.

I certainly would be making it clear that he has no right to suggest that YOU give up YOUR career and he needs to come up with a different solution if he's not happy.

captainfran Wed 21-Apr-21 19:02:27

Part time isn't an option as we've moved and I've had to find a new job. We planned to move before the baby was here but it took forever. I haven't been able to find anything part time there's not a lot of jobs here either. They have told me they might have a part time position from September but there's no guarantee.

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FlyingBurrito Wed 21-Apr-21 19:03:05

I don't know what parring off means, is it allowing different people to look after him, but what you are describing is a fairly normal mix of childcare for working parents ime. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

captainfran Wed 21-Apr-21 19:03:17


What was your response to him?

That he was parring his baby off too, he said that's not the same apparently.

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SheldonesqueTheSecondComing Wed 21-Apr-21 19:03:42

I haven’t heard it either user but took it to be like palming off.

captainfran Wed 21-Apr-21 19:04:52


What he means is he doesn't want to pick up his share of the housework and childcare so that you have equal leisure time and equal finances


I have a fear you may be right angry. He's gotten too comfortable with me doing everything.

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SheldonesqueTheSecondComing Wed 21-Apr-21 19:05:17

He said it isn’t the same OP?

I think he will find it bloody well is!

FeckTheMagicDragon Wed 21-Apr-21 19:06:12

Tell him he’s a sexist twat, your baby has two parents and also that your career progression is equally as important as his. I’m he has no plans to do his bit then you may want to rethink your future relationship.

RevolutionRadio Wed 21-Apr-21 19:06:24

Ask him to be SAHD and you go back to work

captainfran Wed 21-Apr-21 19:07:01

Yes palming off (maybe that's the correct phrase and we've just made that up?).

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audweb Wed 21-Apr-21 19:07:41

Yeah if he’s that concerned he can quit or reduce hours and look after your baby. It is the same, the baby is equally yours. His argument is pathetic.

I went back to work full time just before my DD was a year old. Thank god I did, because her dad, (who was also a “weekend dad” ) split up and now I am the sole provider, in a solid position because I went back to work when I did.

That aside, there’s nothing wrong with returning to work - and your daughter will be well cared for. For my own mental health I needed to work, and it meant a happier mum for my daughter.

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