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I finally told MIL what I think!(15 Posts)
This woman has been overbearing, controlling, rude, bitter and nasty for far too long. I've answered back a few times but I've never felt like I properly told her how I felt... until today!
Put up with her shit for way too long, yes she has a decent side to her but more recently she has become unbearable with her constant judgey, rude and bullying comments that I told her how I felt today. I wasn't nasty but straight to the point. I feel quite proud actually as she is a very difficult women who has a fucking answer for everything.
No I didn't mention everything she's done wrong over the years, just the last month actually but there was enough shit there that I clearly made my point. Her last comment to me was 'leave it there'. I'd love nothing more than to leave it there tbh but I do have DCs who have a good relationship with her, I won't stop them from seeing her, my eldest DD is old enough to make her own decisions about who she sees. I do use her for childcare now and again but I 've made sure my next month of shifts are catered for without the need for her childcare. That gives me chance to see how this pans out.
Has anyone else been through this? I have to say it feels good but I do get moments of regret! DP has been supportive, he knows what she's like and has had to tell her off quite a few times in the past. This woman does not listen though but I'm hoping I got through to her today loud and clear.
For those who have been through this how did things pan out? Or advise from anyone else would be great. Would go into more detail about it but my last post was deleted when I tried to get advice on her last antics. Not sure if people thought I was making it up because that's how weird it was but it was the straw that broke the camels back! As this final straw was about DD I think I felt much stronger sticking up for her than I would have myself.
Thank you CervixHaver, is that gin? I'm actually on my 2nd one today but felt I deserved it.
I think alot of the next few weeks will depend on HOW you told her to be honest.
Did you fly off the handle in a rage, shouting and swearing? Or, were you calm and collected when you made your points?
If it's the former, I think your relationship with her will be over. Hopefully it was the latter and she can go away and contemplate. She'll probably be cross for a while, but hopefully, especially as you have the support of your DP, she'll come back to you calmly and apologise and you can move on from there.
For what it's worth, I wouldn't use her for childcare at all on the future, just social visits.
Congratulations on finding your voice . It's good DH has your back too. I'd try to avoid using her for childcare in future. Two reasons, first if she thinks you need her she'll think she can get away with bad behaviour more easily and second it puts the children in a position of having to go there. I can't agree with you and all the others who let their DC be involved with toxic people. If their behaviour is unreasonable and too difficult to cope with as an adult, then IMO it's too much to expect your DC to cope with it either. Perhaps I'm overprotective, I don't know, I do dislike seeing unreasonable behaviour excused and normalized and people expected to put up with it. I don't think that's healthy.
I think it would have been better to respond to things she said that were judgy at the time she said them.
I also think your DH should have been having a word in the background.
She does childcare sometimes.. you may have jeopardised that.
Are you both generally quite forthright? I'm not very confrontational and can't imagine doing that!
Thanks for you advice RubaDubMum89.
I felt I was calm and the only swearing I used was when I made references to what she's said to me in the past. I felt I was actually quite civil but I really did tell her how I felt and how rude and inappropriate she has been. To be fair she has spoken to me so much worse but this was a build of things and she may not have realised how much some of the things have pissed me off as I do think her self awareness is pretty shit.
I've been with her son since we were both kids, in my thirties now and I've never told her exactly how I feel, although DP has had to stick up for me a few times when she has really overstepped the mark in the past. I do think this is salvageable but then I think do I want any kind of relationship with this woman, I really have tried over the years! But she has done a lot for us over the years, especially with childcare.
And thank you AmberItsACertainty, I definitely get what you mean about getting away with it because she helps out. She even made me a cake for mother's day with my DD which I graciously accepted but then started shouting at me when I wasn't carrying it out to my car properly and when I hadn't eaten any straight away she told me she wish she hadn't bothered!
I am seriously going to look into childcare though, although it is difficult as my youngest is Autistic so needs consistency, been thinking about reducing my hours even more but I'm a nurse and I would need to move to more challenging wards and don't really need the extra stress at the moment! It's giving me food for thought though.
NiceGerbil this was exactly my issue, I've left it fester for so long. I've justified a lot of her actions over the years because I'm not the type of person to cause drama over this but I've certainly let it fester.
To be fair DP has had many words with her but she doesn't listen and lately she has been saying a lot of things to me and not to DP even if it's about him. For instance she said to me recently "DP is a fucking cheeky bastard" this was because he'd brought something up with her but when I spoke with him about it he said she was fine with him when he talked to her about it. This was actually one of the examples I threw at her today, I do wish I'd addressed it at the time though, live and learn! I certainly feel more confident to speak up since getting it all out today though, that's one thing going forward I suppose!
Find alternate childcare, do not use his mother. She is not an emotionally safe person to be around. Also if she is too difficult/toxic or otherwise too batshit to deal with it’s the same deal for your children as well.
Would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend, no. Ask yourself too what sort of person thinks it acceptable for you to be shouted at because you are not carrying a cake properly!. Emotionally unhealthy people act like this, It’s not your fault nor her sons that she is like this and you did make her that way either.
Do read Toxic in-laws by Susan Forward and keep yourselves well away from her.
You found your voice here it whether this will make any difference to his mother in the long tun is debatable, my guess is that it will not because you also mention her lack of self awareness. These people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.
The stately homes thread on relationships board is interesting.
When I could deal with mil no more I/we stopped using her for any childcare, which made my life more difficult but I wasn't going to "need" her and I wanted her to know that. I no longer go to her house, it's been nearly two years now, DH takes the kids to visit her about once a fortnight for an hour or two. She's not welcome in our house if it's just me here, she can visit when DH and the dc are here but I relocate myself and she knows it.
Have to say life has been great since I did all of this! My sils have basically cut me off which hurts but it's a small price to pay to get rid of their toxic meddling mother out of my head and my life.
Stop thinking about it even. If she's that bad stop giving her any more of your energy. Don't feel guilty. She would love that!
She sounds batshit and a deeply unhealthy person for your children to be around.
You sound very patient, but well done for standing up yourself.
I think you need to experience space from her, so the next month will be invaluable.
I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat, take this time to look into alternative childcare and check out with work if they can help.
You never know til you ask.
Until you step away from toxic people you never fully realise how much of your peace they take.
Enjoy the peace.
I just wanted to say Well Done @aftermathalone. I could have wrote that myself. I was in the same situation about three years ago. I told mil exactly what I thought of her and how badly she had treated me over the years. It was a relief but like you I did have some regrets at the time. Now though I'm glad I spoke up. My DH supported me. We have very little contact with her now, usually just special occasions when my DH will bring our DC to see her, I don't go. She is also not welcome in my home. This was the best part for me as she would turn up unannounced when it suited her, never mind if I was busy or putting children to bed. I'm much more relaxed in my own home now and not on edge worrying when she will just drop in and make snide comments. You did the right thing, she had it coming.