DH comparing me to other women and families

(161 Posts)
Rosieposie79 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:29:48

Just out of the blue over the last few weeks my DH has started comparing us to other families and me to other women. He is looking at other people's social media posts and getting grumpy because we are not out camping or whatever everyone else is doing.

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

I also saw a photo of myself the other day and was surprised I looked okay. After all the criticism I was expecting a picture of a hefty, pot bellied old woman.

I thought I was doing okay for 42 with two young kids. I have lost weight this last year and am now back at size 10/12 and just 2kg off my target. I am not very high maintenance and can be scruffy sometimes, but I try to keep myself tidy. I am definitely no slob. I also thought me and DH were doing okay after the rollercoaster of the last year.

I was looking forward to the summer but now this. Suddenly I am watching my every step - always standing up straight, tummy in etc... I can't relax or I just get a pointed sideways look and when I ask what the matter is a cruel remark in reply.

I feel like I am suddenly not good enough and going down hill fast. He says things like 'I love you and want to stay married to you forever but you have to stop wearing that jumper/ get fitter/ make more effort' etc.

Where could this have come from? What should I do?

OP’s posts: |
wizzywig Tue 20-Apr-21 22:30:44

Could he be interested in someone else?

Mumwithapub Tue 20-Apr-21 22:32:28

Is he getting flattery from elsewhere?

lurker1836956 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:33:06

Just leave

User27aw Tue 20-Apr-21 22:33:15

Sounds like he is comparing you to someone else.

Sanchez79 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:34:24

Also more hurtful he is starting to tell me I look old and fat. If I yawn in his presence suddenly I have 'a thick neck and too many chins and look like...[insert name of overweight 60+ yr old woman].

Fucking hell, that is extreme! A few years ago there was a man in Liverpool who was convicted of that kind of behaviour, it was one of the first coercive control prosecutions. He would show his girlfriend pictures of glamour models and told her she didn't meet up. Vile.

MissyB1 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:35:21

Start listing his faults every 5 minutes.

stalachtiteorstalagmite Tue 20-Apr-21 22:39:55

What an absolute twat. If it were my DH I would give him a piece of my mind very sharply. Making critical remarks about someone's personal appearance is not what a loving, loyal partner does. It sounds like he's had his head turned elsewhere. I'd say that to him, very bluntly, and leave him in no doubt that he should not make these comments again.

SpacePotato Tue 20-Apr-21 22:42:17

Could he be interested in someone else?

My first thought too.
Making it so it will be all your fault if he leaves or has an affair because xyz.

Arsehole.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe Tue 20-Apr-21 22:47:50

Do it back to him

MajesticWhine Tue 20-Apr-21 22:49:31

Is he completely gorgeous hmm
I would also suspect him having an eye on someone else. Otherwise why make the comparison.
You shouldn't have to be watching your every step or posture like this. You are fine as you are. He has a disgusting attitude.

CarmelBeach Tue 20-Apr-21 22:51:12

This is shocking
I'd be asking outright if he has someone else, and if he wants a divorce regardless.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:52:31

He's having an affair or his head has been turned. He's starting the process of rewriting history.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Apr-21 22:53:46

He is fucking around or trying to

ineedaholidaynow Tue 20-Apr-21 22:54:00

Does he say this in front of the children?

I'm sorry I too think he has eyes for someone else.

Sally872 Tue 20-Apr-21 22:58:04

That is awful. Do not stand for it, it shows his shit personality, his self esteem should be effected not yours.

For the fun activity comments. "Take the kids camping whenever you want." Or "I am open to any fun activities you want to arrange"

For the double chins etc just the standard "did you mean to be so rude" or "there is no part of our relationship that makes it ok for you to speak to me like that"

So sorry you are being treated like that. flowers

M0rT Tue 20-Apr-21 22:58:05

Tell him some morning you need to have a talk when the dc are in bed...let him stew for the day...in the evening say your worried about his mental health...he has been so angry and bitter lately, it has been so long since he made you laugh or happy...does he think he needs to go to the doctor?
It's the exact same sort of faux concern wrapping up a stab in the back he's been doing to you.
But your probably too nice a person to be such a manipulative cunt.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig Tue 20-Apr-21 22:59:08

Yep, he’s pointing out all your flaws, gaslighting you into thinking you’re at fault. Please do tell him to fuck off next time he tries it. You sound lovely, not to mention slim and attractive and he’s lucky to have you!

spotcheck Tue 20-Apr-21 23:04:40

Tell him that you love him too, and you would ideally like the marriage to continue- but that you WILL leave him if he continues to insult you, and treat you with so little respect.

hamandcgeese Tue 20-Apr-21 23:08:21

Occasionally my DH does this and I laugh, or give a dismissive eye roll smile or say he needs his eyes retested. I'm not an unkind person, so I don't point out his flaws, but seriously he is quite overweight. I'm
not overweight, but do have loose skin from my pregnancies, there's only so much I can do about it without skin removal so I'm not going to let it bring me down. He also tells me what exercises I can do to firm up the skin, this is complete bollocks and his knowledge of exercise and the body is way below mine.

Don't let your DH knock your confidence, sounds like you're doing well. I hope he's not up to no good, but if it's long term behaviour and often then it's not nice. Certainly worth some deep thought about the future 💭

Opentooffers Tue 20-Apr-21 23:09:16

Well he must be wearing well for his age, if not, I'd be on it and point out his flaws. However, the sinister side could be that he's got his eye on someone else, or even gone further, in which case, I'd be getting out there and showing him that you are still desirable to others and still got it. If he doesn't care, you may as well ltb.

Bobbi73 Tue 20-Apr-21 23:10:45

Like everyone else has said, it sounds like he may have met someone else but whether he has or not, he is behaving like an arsehole. Next time tell him to F. off but also, it may be time to consider your options as the relationship may not last for much longer. I hope everything works out x

toocold54 Tue 20-Apr-21 23:15:35

It doesn’t sound like it’s you that’s not enough just that he is not happy with his current life.
Has he been out working or stuck at home for a long time?

You shouldn’t have to put up with anything like that but if this seems out of the blue I’d definitely dig deeper to find out why he’s feeling like this.

Also I would say something back if he says anything about my appearance - like what’s the point in getting done up when you make no effort yourself or if you don’t like it then leave.

babbaloushka Tue 20-Apr-21 23:16:05

This is sometimes affair behaviour, he sounds like an arse.

babbaloushka Tue 20-Apr-21 23:17:09

Next time say "Well you're no Anthony Joshua" or someone similar to shut him up.

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