Falling for my same gender friend

(23 Posts)
jh48 Sun 18-Apr-21 21:58:30

First time posting on here , have been separated from my 4 year old son's father since June last year, always thought I was straight, never felt attracted to women at all however, I am falling for my single best mate . Don't know what to do !! Sometimes I feel like the feeling is reciprocated, we will flirt and exchange the odd kiss ,other times I feel like she sees me as a sister . I get jealous when she mentions guys she likes, I never feel like that with other friends.
I never stop thinking about her and haven't done for quite some time, don't know whether to tell her , don't want to ruin what we have as friends and also most importantly my son !!
Help !

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Mon 19-Apr-21 07:20:12

I’ve been there, got the Tshirt and it worked for me. But each situation is different, as are the risks.

But without personally knowing those involved, nobody can assume they know what the reaction will be. Sorry to sound negative, but it’s impossible to say whether it’s a can of worms or a bucket full of rainbows.

Sunnyday321 Mon 19-Apr-21 07:25:08

Do you mean a real kiss , or a friendly peck ?
I've never had a kiss with any of my friends so would assume she is interested in you if you have. Why not just ask her ?

jh48 Mon 19-Apr-21 08:18:18

It really is impossible isn't it , I am glad it worked for you though !
It was a bit more than a friendly peck but we were both drunk, the next day I saw that she had messaged saying that she loved how she can be herself and hopefully I can be me but as I had sobered up I brushed it off, got scared I guess! I've certainly never kissed another friend like that.
I notice that we'll always try to catch a touch of each other ,eg brushing past someone on purpose.
Also , have to consider the other girls in our friendship group and their reaction.
If I ask her it will either be the best or worst thing I ever did , no inbetween !

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Mon 19-Apr-21 08:21:11

@Sunnyday321 “l have never had a real kiss with one of my friends”.

I have. 🌈 I should have picked up on that. Over to you OP.

therocinante Mon 19-Apr-21 08:24:23

The fact that she made reference to being herself and gently prompting you about the same says to me there might be more going on on her behalf, OP - which is v nice 🥰

WaltzingBetty Mon 19-Apr-21 08:26:37

Surely same-sex friend?
So you think you may be bisexual?

It sounds as if you're definitely getting reciprocal signals. Has she ever had a same-sex relationship before? Or would this be a first for both of you?

I think regardless of sexuality, the same rules apply when crossing the boundary between friendship and relationships. Communicate, be honest, be kind to each other and be aware that you may be risking your friendship for a relationship. It's high risk, high reward .

StarlightLady Mon 19-Apr-21 08:46:45

OP, having read on, l would say go for it and see what life brings. As for your friendship group, I would suggest passion and discretion.

As for labels, who cares. Just consider yourself as “sexual”, no prefix required.

CoconutMaracas Mon 19-Apr-21 09:00:57

Why don’t you ask her has she ever had feelings for a woman? My worry is she keeps talking about dates with men. I know female friends who kiss when drunk ( not for me though!) . I think it might be worth testing the ground a bit with some questions

jh48 Mon 19-Apr-21 09:04:19

Thanks so much everyone for your comments, I'm too scared to speak to my friends about it for fear of being judged so thought I'd air my feelings on a forum.
Her and I are having a few days away in May when my son goes away with his father so perhaps I'll bring it up then.
Just so scared , as far as I'm aware she's never had a same sex relationship before , some times I feel like the feelings are 100% reciprocal other days I feel like she's just my friend, such a confusing time !

OP’s posts: |
CoconutMaracas Mon 19-Apr-21 09:25:22

Good luck !

Ace86 Mon 19-Apr-21 16:50:41

If you're getting mixed signals it's not worth it. Been in a similar situation, maybe her telling you about a guy she fancies is her way of trying to put you off.

Lovelydiscusfish Mon 19-Apr-21 16:54:45

If you’ve snogged each other, I think it’s reasonable to consider that she at least might be in to you. I’ve never snogged my friends!

Maybe when you go away you could get drunk with her (if you both drink, like) and see what happens? Maybe not very mature, but that’s probably how I’d play it.....

StarlightLady Mon 19-Apr-21 17:09:37

Have a drink by all means, but never be drunk for first time sex with someone, ever.

jh48 Mon 19-Apr-21 17:37:48

Ace86

If you're getting mixed signals it's not worth it. Been in a similar situation, maybe her telling you about a guy she fancies is her way of trying to put you off.


Yes have thought this and it's one of my fears , these are the days when I feel like she sees as me as a sister when the signals are mixed.
Then other days , she flirts , tells me she loves me ( always assumed she means as a friend ) , addresses me as ' my girl ' in birthday cards , sometimes link arms on walks / hold hands for a short while .
Aagghhh 😂

OP’s posts: |
jh48 Mon 19-Apr-21 17:39:29

Lovelydiscusfish

If you’ve snogged each other, I think it’s reasonable to consider that she at least might be in to you. I’ve never snogged my friends!

Maybe when you go away you could get drunk with her (if you both drink, like) and see what happens? Maybe not very mature, but that’s probably how I’d play it.....


it did cross my mind to have a little drink to give me some courage but don't want to be drunk , something happen then find out she regrets it the next day !!

OP’s posts: |
M0rT Mon 19-Apr-21 18:05:51

I had a friend who used to snog me in nightclubs for male attention.
I didn't mind but it didn't do anything for me either as I'm straight.
We never spoke about it sober and she always presented it as a drunken "fun" thing.
At the time I just thought she was a bit full on in general so it seemed part of her personality.
My friend is in her forties now and as far as I'm aware straight but looking back I do wonder.
I don't think I'm the one that got away or anything but perhaps I was a safe place for her to get something she needed but was too scared to seek out properly. She has a fairly conservative family.
If I had been bi and made a proper move there is every chance she would have reacted in horror.
So maybe have a drink for courage but I would have a conversation rather than trying to move things along physically when she could claim drunkenness and back away the next day.
She could have feelings for you but if it's all presented as accidental touching and "bestie" type behaviour she might not be ready to do anything acknowledged as intentional.
Good luck.

Lovelydiscusfish Mon 19-Apr-21 18:32:08

StarlightLady

Have a drink by all means, but never be drunk for first time sex with someone, ever.

Actually this is sound advice. I was utterly buckled the first time I slept with my ex (I’ll call him “Self-absorbed twat”.) He doesn’t drink, so was sober. The next morning I can remember texting my BFF saying “Fuck me I accidentally had sex last night” and he said “With Self-absorbed Twat? If so I feel sorry for you”. And actually, tho I bizarrely fell in love with S-A T and tormented myself for two years, it was all down-hill really from that low starting point.

A drink or two for Dutch courage is fine tho. It might help to get the conversation (and hopefully the flirtation) flowing.....

OP, I really hope it works out for you guys. Tho it didn’t work for me, I have always imagined that getting together with someone who is already a trusted friend could/should be pretty magical......

jh48 Mon 19-Apr-21 19:24:52

Thanks for the comments, it has helped me , I'm going to pluck up the courage and go for it , maybe during a nice walk , drop some hints etc , I've never felt so aligned with someone ever than I do with her ....

OP’s posts: |
StarlightLady Tue 20-Apr-21 06:31:48

OP, have you ever come across the Kinsey Scale? It’s scentific and you can do a little quiz to see where you currently sit on the straight/bi/lesbian spectrum.

You can find it on line quite easily and it can tell you something about yourself. It’s quite quick to do and it might be worth suggesting that you both do it together “for fun”. You might be tempted to try it by yourself first to familiarise yourself. Either way this should open the conversation up for you.

What ever happens with this, please pop back and let us know how you get on. 🌈

HoneyRose87 Tue 20-Apr-21 09:17:29

It’s difficult to say how she will react, if you don’t think it would affect your friendship then see how things go.
I kissed a few girls in my teens, snogging nothing more, I’m not bi-sexual and am married to a man but if it’s something you want to explore then go for it.

MrsPolski Tue 20-Apr-21 09:19:49

I would tell your friend about how you are feeling attracted by women (in general), and ask her if she has ever felt attracted to a woman, etc. Just general conversation about sexuality. Then go from there.

smersh84 Tue 04-May-21 19:24:50

I hope its not too late to add my two cents. I don't mean to pry OP but when you mentioned kissing her already was there tongue? if yes then to me it seems obvious that she is already into you. Maybe you you already know this though. Have you had your walk together?smile

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