37 and want a husband/family

[Loveadvicepls]

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

[ColourfulElmerElephant]

How happy are you with him and will you be to continue how you are? If not, I’d consider either giving him an ultimatum (that you mean and follow through with) or leaving him.

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

I'd have a baby on my own. The boyfriend, he's not a keeper.

[Loveadvicepls]

ColourfulElmerElephant Yes, I think a serious conversation is imminent...and I may have to leave him.

osbertthesyrianhamster I can't and won't have a baby on my own sadly.

[pancakeshut]

@Loveadvicepls I could have written this! In fact my post earlier today is very similar.

It’s shit isn’t it? How old is your DP?

I have no idea what’s going on in my relationship either and watch everyone around me get married, have family, buy new homes. My life is ok but on a regular basis I will often think if it ended now I would be relieved. It is painful watching on the sidelines, I am exhausted with it and like you, the thought of dating again makes me feel very sad.

I think you are right though that if you don’t get what you want with this man then it’s time to try again with dating. There’s no option but to take a deep breath and hold your own and go easy on yourself. Unless you’ve been there in your thirties, nobody really understands how horrible it is. I understand

[Outbutnotoutout]

As soon as I started dating my current partner, after a 30yr marriage and divorce, we discussed our future, whether we were looking for marriage or just living together.

We can't have children as I'm 50 and he is 54 and both been done. However we have 6 grown up children and 8 grandchildren between us.

My advice is sit down and talk, properly, long and hard about where you are both going. Does he see marriage and children on the cards, when, you are 37 so time is running out. Get some firm plans in place

[countrypunk]

Why are you being so passive? Just talk to him about it! Neither of you knows what the other wants, and maybe he'd love to have a family too. Communicate your feelings.

[NameChangedForThisFeb21]

He needs to piss or get off the pot.

You need to get ruthless about dating. It can work out if you are very clear upfront about what you want but you don’t have time to waste if a biological child is your goal. Make dating your job. And be very careful looking for a husband. Is this someone who would make a good father? Are your finances safe? Is he a good companion or will he bore you stiff and drive you mad in 5 years?

Read Calling In The One. And do the work.

[user1471464702]

If it’s any consolation many of those getting married might not be as happy as you think; also, some focus on marriage and babies hoping this will mend things when already broken but not wanting to deal with things so to speak -give yourself credit that you’re being a realist and thinking ahead before all the above might happen and then realise further down the line you weren’t actually always that happy just covered over the cracks well - be kind to yourself you deserve better what would you say to a friend if in this situation ? Sometimes that helps

[Chocobo11]

37 and after 1.5 years still can't commit? Mmmm he's not a keeper OP.

[FeistySheep]

Well have you brought up the subject of marriage/commitment etc? If yes, what was his response? If no, why haven't you talked about it? Obviously it would be nice if he brought it up first, but it really doesn't matter which of you does it...

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@Loveadvicepls

ColourfulElmerElephant Yes, I think a serious conversation is imminent...and I may have to leave him.

osbertthesyrianhamster I can't and won't have a baby on my own sadly.

Then you need to accept you may not have a baby at all . But at the very least, take back agency for your life. 1.5 years in at your age and you're still coasting along with this bloke? He has forever to get married and have children. You have not.

Something to keep in mind is that no decision is still a decision. By not being very proactive about what you want, you're actively making a decision not to have marriage and kids.

[MoltenLasagne]

How old is your partner? If it hasn't occurred to him that children are a "soon" rather than a "some day" when you are 37 then he's either incredibly stupid or intentionally future faking you to keep you sweet.

[Chocolatefreak]

I split up with my long term partner of five years and afterwards felt furious that I'd allowed him to waste my fertile years. It wasn't that he actively didn't want children, just that he was lukewarm about it. I wanted someone who wanted the same things as me, and to be into me enough that he would happily commit to me. I met someone who wanted those things and ended up married to him and having a child at 37.

This was exactly what I was looking for at that stage in my life. With hindsight, I would say it's really important that the person you have the child with is in sync with you not only on commitment and children, but also all those other things - values, work, life goals etc. If those things aren't right, with the man you're currently with then I would say have that serious conversation, and be prepared to leave.

[VanillaCokeZero]

You’re being so passive you even write in the passive voice OP!

“Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend.” =

‘I’ve chosen to stay with my bf for 1.5yr and I have not discussed or raised marriage and kids with him, and he hasn’t me‘

You’ve made a choice to get into something at 35 and let it drift. You need to bring it up ASAP to see if he wants the same things and if not end it and date seriously for a husband and father.

I was in a similar position but earlier at 28 (with fertility issues) and shit myself, broke up and dated, explained to every guy I was only looking for exclusivity with someone who wanted kids and babies within the next three years. If I’d been a decade older I’d have shortened that to a year.

You are actively wasting your limited fertility and may end up without a child as a consequence. Wake up!

[A1b2c3d4e5f6g7]

Do you live together now? I’m a similar age to you and I’d feel similar about dating etc, especially with the year that we’ve just had. However as awkward as it might be, I think you need to have a discussion with him. If he really isn’t willing to commit to having a family, or isn’t sure about a future after 1.5 years, you’ll have your answer. It could be he is wanting all of this but it but has been coasting along. Good luck

[Loveadvicepls]

I completely agree with you all
He’s 43

[Rozziie]

@VanillaCokeZero we're in a pandemic!! What opportunities has she really had to date other people over the past year? Perhaps if covid hadn't happened she'd have dumped him 4-5 months in...much harder to do that if there's no social life, you'd be completely alone and dating is almost impossible. The pandemic has wasted a lot of women's precious time.

[Loveadvicepls]

I’m not passive and certainly awake VanillaCokeZero it’s why I’ve posted on here
I didn’t let things drift
I told him on the first date that I was looking for a husband and a family
Things were great for 8 months then we both had doubts but now things are better
It’s just we are not talking and I’m dreading it and can’t face the thought of dating again if I need to
It’s exhausting
I’m glad things worked out for you, I wasn’t ready to down until my mid 30s

[Springsnake]

I’m sure there are dating sites for people wanting marriage and children ,especially some church type ones .
I’d dump the boyfriend,if he’s not willing to get married and start trying for a baby this year
I’d be searching for someone who wanted the same as me

[Aquamarine1029]

Why are you being so passive?

Exactly. Jesus, op, you have a voice so use it. Tell him exactly what you want, you want action now, or it's over. End of. Stop sleep walking through your own life.

[Loveadvicepls]

Agreed Rozziie thanks

[Loveadvicepls]

Aquamarine1029 I will talk to him - just dreading it and what it likely to come by as a result

[Aquamarine1029]

Sorry to be harsh, but he's 43 and showing no signs of offering a real commitment. I wouldn't hope for much and I certainly wouldn't waste another second if you want a family.

[Loveadvicepls]

Aquamarine1029 not harsh - as I said before, I think I know what’s coming up

[Aquamarine1029]

I think I know what’s coming up

Then the sooner the better. There is nothing to be gained by wasting anymore time, and a lot to be lost. I would be going for broke and having this conversation tonight.