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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Found dirty website

36 replies

Mummymushroom · 06/04/2021 17:05

I had a quick peek at OH phone the other day and found fabguys on there.

I asked him about it and he completely denied it. Saying I'm paranoid.

But I know it was him as his username came up in the memory and I recognize pictures. It mentions being descrete and can't accommodate, which in other words means don't want wife to know.

I used to trust him completely until about 2 years ago I found very explicit messages to a woman from work. Can't trust anyone anymore.
We have been together 23 years, but not married. We have 3 kids 12 to 4. I haven't got a job, been looking after the kids for 12 years, who is going to hire me. Also have a few health problems. Not sure I'd cope on my own. My last shred on trust in humans is gone.

He has never mentioned being gay and we have talked about it before. I've even asked him directly if he liked men.

Never wanted to put my kids though a separation as my parents very messy divorce destroyed me. However, I could never trust him now. Every time he went out or on his phone is be wondering.

OP posts:

Report

GentlemanJay · 06/04/2021 17:12

It sounds like he is certainly bi.

BeagleEagle · 06/04/2021 17:20

Sounds like he's bisexual

so: how do you feel about this? Has he actually had sex outside of the relationship? I used to date a bisexual man and as a result my regular STD test was enhanced to capture the risks of men having sex with men so it's worth considering there is an enhanced risk.

Otherwise, I'd treat it as you would any infidelity. Do you think you can trust him again if he deletes the page, fesses up to his indiscretions and vows to move on? Only you can know this. I would worry less about the sexuality as it seems he is into women (sadly due to his last indescretion) and more that he's become a repeat offender. What are your boundaries?

Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 17:37

Just because your parents divorce was hard on you, does not mean it needs to be hard on your kids. Is it possible that the WAY your parents separated or the people they were - were what made the divorce hard on you?

As for jobs, you would be entitled to benefits as a single mother and also child benefit from him. Then you could take an online course or volunteer work experience and build up your skillset if you wanted to work in future.

The gaslighting your husband has done (trying to make out you are crazy rather than just be honest) would be the nail in the coffin for me. It's not healthy to raise kids in a home where you are being disrespected and lied to. If you want them to have happy healthy relationships growing up then your focus needs to be finding your own happiness and not letting them see you in a miserable relationship where you are being treated unfairly and lied to.

You only get one life. Don't waste it with lying fake assed gobshites who are just using you as their beard.

Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 17:46

My best mate divorced her partner a few years back and her kids (aged 6 - 14) really didn't seem to find it that big of an issue. She just made it clear that they were loved and in no way to blame snd played up the 'hey, you'll get two bedrooms and christmases now!'. The youngest was a bit tearful with the change of having to travel back and fourth between both households at first, but she soon adapted. Kids are resilient, provided you do things the right way. Get some books on how to handle telling the kids.

Mummymushroom · 06/04/2021 18:37

I don't know for sure if he has been physically unfaithful. There are no verifications on website and the previous incident he hadn't because she was telling him to stop teasing her. Really don't know what to do from here. I have asked him to go and stay at his mum's but he said he won't. I have been a bit suspect for a while but had nothing evidetential. I'm not bothered by the gay thing. I wouldn't care if it was a purple zebra. It's the lies and betrayal. I never knew he could blatantly lie to my face like that.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 19:08

So you've asked for space and he won't give you that either? What a knob. Its clear that he is a deeply selfish man op, if nothing else.

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 13:31

The thing is the first.lockdown he was home off work and everything seems so good. We were like best friends with benefits. Why has everything gone so wrong. No divorce does not hurt children always, but infidelity does. Likes going to get a lot harder and more complicated from here.

OP posts:

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 13:33

Life Is going to get harder.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 13:35

Well atm all we know is that he is lying and gaslighting. But that really should be enough to call it quits. No need to wait around to see if he is also actually cheating. Though I can understand that you would want to know one way or another of course.

But as is you could just decide its ran it course and 'mum n dad dont want to live together anymore'

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/04/2021 13:52

My marriage ended due to infidelity on my ex's part but our children know nothing about that. They don't need to know the gory details...we told them that we weren't making each other happy any more but we still loved them and were friends. I couldn't stand him at that point but I lied for their sake and we are not amicable so I guess the 'fake it till you make it' thing came into play a bit.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/04/2021 13:53

*We are now amicable!

CokeDrinker · 07/04/2021 13:55

Tell him if he cares anything for you and has any respect for you at all as a person, and as the mother of his children he will go to his mothers to give you space - or, you will tell his mother everything if he doesn't. Insist he goes or you'll tell her everything. It is so galling when a man lies and then doesn't have the basic decency to feel remorseful enough to want to do what he can to make you happy/make amends.

Cokie

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 13:57

We are just avoiding each other now.

I would be more Forgiving ISH if he had just owned up and grovelled a bit.

OP posts:

Teardrop2021 · 07/04/2021 13:58

You need to get a job op you are in a vulnerable situation your not married and financially dependant on him it could be possible he eventually leaves if he's messing about.

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 14:00

I have no family nearby. I would love to talk to my dad but can't anymore.

OP posts:

CokeDrinker · 07/04/2021 14:06

So he is still there and not remorseful? For goodness sake OP, use your ovaries and demand he goes to his mothers or she finds out everything. Demand he go right now.

Kelly345 · 07/04/2021 15:22

@Mummymushroom

I had a quick peek at OH phone the other day and found fabguys on there.

I asked him about it and he completely denied it. Saying I'm paranoid.

But I know it was him as his username came up in the memory and I recognize pictures. It mentions being descrete and can't accommodate, which in other words means don't want wife to know.

I used to trust him completely until about 2 years ago I found very explicit messages to a woman from work. Can't trust anyone anymore.
We have been together 23 years, but not married. We have 3 kids 12 to 4. I haven't got a job, been looking after the kids for 12 years, who is going to hire me. Also have a few health problems. Not sure I'd cope on my own. My last shred on trust in humans is gone.

He has never mentioned being gay and we have talked about it before. I've even asked him directly if he liked men.

Never wanted to put my kids though a separation as my parents very messy divorce destroyed me. However, I could never trust him now. Every time he went out or on his phone is be wondering.

Can I just clarify, are you calling the site 'Dirty' because it's Gay?

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 16:15

Not because it's gay. I'm not entirely strait myself. It's the fact that it's mostly married men and it's just a bit creepy. Riddled with STI men who want their cake to eat. All men just seem to be so disappointing today. They need to take responsibility. I want to go out with woody from toy story.

OP posts:

Mummymushroom · 07/04/2021 16:23

I have mentioned that I'd tell his mum. He just said go ahead. I respect his mum, it would really upset her. I might post link on FB. Thought about taking his car keys and moving it round the corner somewhere. As leverage.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 16:26

Who owns the house/whos name us on the rental agreement? Just incase it would hurt you financially to leave.

I'd be careful not to act out of spite but could you phone his mum and ask her to persuade him to leave. Maybe take him home for a bit. Give you time away from him to for your head straight and consult solicitors ect...

Kelly345 · 07/04/2021 16:37

@Mummymushroom

Not because it's gay. I'm not entirely strait myself. It's the fact that it's mostly married men and it's just a bit creepy. Riddled with STI men who want their cake to eat. All men just seem to be so disappointing today. They need to take responsibility. I want to go out with woody from toy story.

I met my partner of 4 years on Fabguys. I'm not riddled with STI"s, don't want to have my cake and eat it, and am probably one of the most responsible people you will meet. Woody from You Story? Wtf?? lol

Perhaps explore your own prejudices a little more to form a more wholesome view of the gay dating scene. If you express those sort of views openly it's no surprise he kept it hidden from you.

Kelly345 · 07/04/2021 16:40

Telling his mum will just make you look spiteful and nasty. So will airing your 'dirty' laundry on Facebook (see what I did there?) Your issue is with him, not his mum. It should be pretty obvious it's over anyway.

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BrilliantBetty · 07/04/2021 16:41

I could not get past it if I found my DH on a hook up site. Is that what it was, a hook up site / dating app?

It's a horrible feeling being lied to, not knowing the full truth and being denied an explanation.

If you are seriously considering leaving, speak to a solicitor and find out what your options might be regarding the house and finances.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 07/04/2021 16:48

Whatever you do don't start airing your dirty laundry in public.
You won't come out of that looking good, despite what he may have done.
Your relationship is over, as evidenced by you wanting to carry out acts of revenge etc. Start planning how you can facilitate splitting.

Kelly345 · 07/04/2021 16:48

Referring to gay men as being riddled with STI"s is deeply offensive.

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