Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

[PragmaticWench]

He's a selfish that.

[PragmaticWench]

Sorry, twat!

[Hadalifeonce]

Are you able to have your call in a room away from where he is working?

If not, I think you should ask him to go out as he suggested.

[ShirleyPhallus]

He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week.

Why did you cancel it when he said he’d go out for it? Just say “that would be great, thanks” and move on with your day. Afraid you’ve just unnecessarily martyred yourself there.

Sorry about your past trauma

[Lochmorlich]

Don't cancel your call.
Tell your dh to arrange the appointment time away from the house.
He can go swimming from today!

[VeraDonovan]

Our house is very small and the walls are thin. If he is in the house then he can hear every word I say. I'm just fed up I suppose. I can't plan anything because he might decide he's working from home that day.

[MrsWooster]

He’s sabotaging your therapy. It’s 50 minutes-he can go for a perfectly pleasant walk or go to the supermarket or put some petrol in the car...
He may not be being malicious-perhaps he’s scared either for you, or of the potential for therapy to change you and the impact that this may have on your relationship. Whatever it’s about, he needs to deal with that, not force you to pay the price for his fear.

[VeraDonovan]

I was very clear with him when I started this that I would need the space to have the calls with no-one in the house. He doesn't have to work from home, in theory he could go in five days a week. He just doesn't want to. I do work five days a week in the office so it's hard for me to carve out any time during the day. I also have client meetings at work so I have work around those as well.

I really cannot see why he can't just go into work on that day, given I have deliberately booked my appointments for times when he would normally be at work. I also don't see why he is putting it back to me to ask him to leave the house so I can have my counselling session.

[endofthelinefinally]

What a selfish man. Is he this selfish and unsupportive generally, or just about your counselling?

I am waiting for counselling and I can't even face doing it over the phone because I can't cope with talking about my trauma in my home. I would have to be in neutral territory. It is very, very hard.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

Why didnt he just say "ok" when you offered to take the call from the car? That would have been my suggestion had you not said it.

[rbe78]

@MrsWooster

He’s sabotaging your therapy. It’s 50 minutes-he can go for a perfectly pleasant walk or go to the supermarket or put some petrol in the car...
He may not be being malicious-perhaps he’s scared either for you, or of the potential for therapy to change you and the impact that this may have on your relationship. Whatever it’s about, he needs to deal with that, not force you to pay the price for his fear.

But he did say he would go out for a walk - it's OP who chose to cancel the call regardless. I understand your need for privacy, but it is his home too - he wants to WfH that day, and has come up with a perfectly reasonable suggestion to give the OP space. He's not sabotaging anything.

[endofthelinefinally]

I just read your last post. I agree with MrsWooster, he is deliberately sabotaging your counselling. This is controlling behaviour.

[RightOnTheEdge]

He's a selfish twat and say "I'll just go out and walk the streets" makes him sound like a sulky twat as well.

Don't cancel your sessions. What kind of person would make you feel bad about something so important to you?
He should be supporting you as much as he can.

[endofthelinefinally]

Saying he would "walk the streets" is passive aggressive behaviour. If he had said he would "go out for a walk" that would be kinder.

[Macaroni46]

I don't see what the problem is? It's his home too and I don't see why he should go into the office because of your call. I can see why he'd want to WFH around the bank holidays. He's offered to go for a walk while you have your session? So take him up on that. Give and take, etc

[VeraDonovan]

Sorry, I don't know how to reply to anyone individually. I cancelled it because I was pissed off and annoyed. Yes it is his home too but he can work from home on any day that he chooses. He wants to work from home on Thursday because it suits him. I feel he is being a bit passive aggressive with the "I'll walk the streets" comment because it implies that I am putting him out.

[floofycroissant]

I totally understand OP. I need to know I'm not overheard.

When I made DH aware I couldn't relax with him in the house he just got offended, made it clear he wasn't listening in (I didn't accuse him of that) and started asking what I was talking about that was so secretive. But it's not really about secrets, it's just being able to let your guard down.

I've ended up cancelling remote calls. I go back in three weeks to in-person and really need it.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Take him up on the walk idea. Or yourself on the car idea. Do not cancel.

You know his tone and intent but I might take the 'walk the streets' line as good-natured, compliant humour. The 'woe is me' part being a joke, you both knowing that actually he recognises the importance of your call and is fine about it.

[VeraDonovan]

Yes my husband is like this as well. I don't know whether I am being over sensitive or not but it feels like everything is about him and his wants/needs/feelings. I just have to work around him and it doesn't matter how I feel. It has taken me the best part of 30 years to work up the courage to do this for myself and I feel as if, once again, I have to change what I have planned to suit him.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I’m really sorry for your trauma and amazing job working through it.

Unless there is a backstory of him trying to manipulate you it sounds like he genuinely just offered to go for a walk. And you should have just said yes, rather than acting the martyr and cancelling.

I would tell him he is welcome to work from home on Thursdays providing he goes out for a walk at that time. As he already is happy to do that, I don’t see the problem.

[MoiraNotRuby]

I totally get it, OP. I have counselling over the phone and drive somewhere remote and park up. Every single time DH suggests I do it from home, or asks where I will park, or suggests I do it on the drive and it is so FUCKING SMOTHERING and makes me fed up that everyone else in the family gets space effortlessly, and I have a battle every time for mine. This is why I've abandoned online yoga too.

[lottiegarbanzo]

...So, you could treat him as if he's a decent person and is joking in a silly but supportive way.

Only if he actually objects, or refuses to go out for a walk, do you need to conclude that he doesn't care about your counselling.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

@VeraDonovan

Sorry, I don't know how to reply to anyone individually. I cancelled it because I was pissed off and annoyed. Yes it is his home too but he can work from home on any day that he chooses. He wants to work from home on Thursday because it suits him. I feel he is being a bit passive aggressive with the "I'll walk the streets" comment because it implies that I am putting him out.

I think this is a bit unfair—he wants to work from home Thursday because it suits him, well of course! That’s pretty normal. And then he said he’d bugger off for a bit when you needed to house alone, so he’s making sure he’s not causing any difficulties for you. I don’t see the problem here?

[Dozer]

Don’t cancel or rearrange any more sessions. If your H refuses to leave the home during your sessions, or to wear headphones / listen to music, inform your counsellor that you don’t have full privacy due to your H.

[I0NA]

Please don’t cancel your call because he’s an arse.

Tell him to work in his office or go for a walk. It’s 50 mins once as week - can’t he put your needs first for once.

Can I ask @VeraDonovan - is he this selfish the rest of the time ? How long have you been together and do you have kids ?