Husband had an affair

(236 Posts)
BrokenBella Fri 26-Mar-21 06:46:13

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

OP’s posts: |
MaMaD1990 Fri 26-Mar-21 06:52:39

I'm sorry OP, this must be so hard. I don't really have any advice for you, but I would say please focus on yourself and your children and what is best for you. Unfortunately it does sound like he's being a bit of a coward and forcing your hand to end things so he doesn't have to. Please speak to a solicitor and get a plan in place, you and your children deserve a lot more than this. It will be hard but life has an awful lot more to give, even if it doesn't seem like that now xx

JudyGemstone Fri 26-Mar-21 06:56:32

If you do reconcile it won’t be through making yourself a doormat.

Take some control back and file for divorce. You deserve way better than this. He’ll have been talking to her again, that’s why he’s all of a sudden confused and needs space. He’s massively disrespecting you.

Mamette Fri 26-Mar-21 06:57:34

I’m sorry to read this Bella flowers

Sounds like he is gone. I would ask him to leave the home so you can have some space to think and process this.

Let him go, you deserve better than this.

RuggeryBuggery Fri 26-Mar-21 07:00:55

I know easier said than done, but you should take control. Don’t sit around waiting for him to make up his mind, or do the ‘pick me dance’. You deserve better. Would you really be able to trust him if he came back? He already made his choice by betraying you like this and I personally think you should not have him back.

gutful Fri 26-Mar-21 07:07:44

I would hazard a guess because you’ve been together since you were kids that he enjoyed the thrill / excitement of it.

We have all done the “pick me” dance before - that’s how we learn not to do it again!

It sounds like he has done the corwardly thing of saying he needs “space” to work out his feelings - and now he is at his folks he will be in contact with this woman, or trying to.

I would bet he is also on Tinder now too seeing what’s out there

Don’t feel bad for letting him back - you have tried but it sounds like emotionally he just isn’t there now.

Bettina500 Fri 26-Mar-21 07:11:30

I agree you need to start taking back control and putting yourself first.
He wants his cake and eat it at the moment. Wants another woman, but hasn't got the balls to make a clean break with you. He's got a lot to lose and is keeping his foot in the door in case it doesn't work out with her. I bet if you file for divorce he will suddenly panic.

Time to think what you want. Could you ever trust him again? Do you want him to come back only to decide you're not what he wants afterall and break your heart over again?
If he truly loved you he wouldn't be in love with someone else.
You must be very hurt and confused. Cut contact with him as much as possible so you're not getting the sob story messages and take as long as you need.

justanotherneighinparadise Fri 26-Mar-21 07:14:15

How can you reconcile when he’s in love with someone else? You can switch those feelings off.

mildlymiffed Fri 26-Mar-21 07:24:49

I have been in a near on identical position....

We tried to make it work for two whole years. It didn't, as although like you we had an initial "honeymoon"'period my suspicion and mistrust prevailed, and his guilt and inability to actually connect meaningfully with me post affair prevailed too.

Save yourself the hassle. You're right, do you want to be with someone who can have his head turned? He made a commitment to you, and to your children. An emotional affair is sometimes much harder to stomach then a regular affair- as you know he's had that deep connection with someone else.

I wish you luck. Please pm me if you feel you need anymore support. Reading your post was like reading my biography!

KarmaNoMore Fri 26-Mar-21 07:36:10

Of course you cannot live with a man who loves another woman. Let him go, not kindly but without dramas, just say you don’t want him around knowing that he thinks you and his previous life are the second best option.

If he loves you that will kick his eyes open, if he doesn’t it will cut months of uncertainty. If you see it in a way, he may have decided himself not to see the OW but by making her less available she has become more attractive. Kick him out so he can decide and you can also decide if he is actually as nice as you thought (I wouldn’t be surprised if you realise, once the shock wears off) that the only team player in that relationship was you.

Designingheaven Fri 26-Mar-21 07:39:15

Sending virtual hugs OP. I don’t have much advice to offer only that whatever feels like hell at the moment won’t last forever, it simply cannot rain forever. I hope you find away through, whichever way that may be.x

BrokenBella Fri 26-Mar-21 07:42:11

Thank you everyone. I am so so broken and feel so weak. I’m on a rollercoaster. Some days I’m strong and defiant, some days I just cannot stop crying and can’t crawl myself out of the misery. I need to hear these strong words right now. I need to find my fight!!!

I can’t bear the thought of telling the children. While he is having ‘space’ I really want NO contact. But then I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible for the children. How do I find this balance??

They have no idea. And it will devastate them. We really were the perfect family.

OP’s posts: |
Shoxfordian Fri 26-Mar-21 07:45:25

He can’t be the only one to make decisions here, he’s treating you like an option when he’s told you he loves her. Be strong and make the decision for him, he cheated on you so you’re done with him and you’re not an option anymore. Take your power back

Pinchoftums Fri 26-Mar-21 07:47:44

Tell him you need space. Take control. Can his parents pick up the kids not him? Or he picks up but doesn't come in the house so you don't have to see him.
Talk to a solicitor so you know your options. Get a friend to help you with this and join in on the meeting.

ladymuck111 Fri 26-Mar-21 07:48:34

I've been in the same position as you don't waste your time waiting for him. He's said he loves someone else. It is impossible to overcome. I promise you will come out of the other side of this stronger and you will wonder why you wasted any energy on him.

Bluntness100 Fri 26-Mar-21 07:52:01

We really were the perfect family

I’m so sorry but you were not and you need to stop thinking you were. If you had been he’d not have cheated and likely wish to end the marriage. You have to understand ghats how you saw it, not how he saw it, and his desire not to fight for it, validates that.

I know it’s hard, but doing the pick me dance seldom works long term. After you’ve won the fight, got past the hysterical bonding, you’d be looking at him with suspicious eyes. Every time he was late, every time he was on his phone, you’d be wondering if he was cheating again, and you would start to resent it. Thinking about him with this woman. How he declared he loved her. How he lied to you to be with her.

It’s time for you to take control. To take the space and really think this through now.

Arbadacarba Fri 26-Mar-21 07:53:13

What I get from your post is that he's made it all about him - he loves her, he hates himself etc. Where is his consideration for you - the injured party?

MaMaD1990 Fri 26-Mar-21 07:54:24

If your decision is to divorce, this needs to be communicated to your husband before telling the children anything. Although it'll be hard, both of you should sit down with them and explain (although no blame or details would be appropriate). From there it'll be going through a divorce and supporting your children. It's not an easy road, but it definitely can be done.

Cloverleaf20 Fri 26-Mar-21 07:55:25

He’s in the excitement of a new romance , do you remember those days when you had butterflies and you spent hours thinking about the other person? The novelty will soon wear off ! Take control, tell him you’ve made up your mind it’s over and then see his reaction !! Stay strong, do not give him the option of who he decides to choose 💐

KarmaNoMore Fri 26-Mar-21 07:58:13

Children often manage better than you expect if they are not thrown on the drama of it. What damages children is NOT divorce but witnessing the constant arguments and living in the toxic environment that precedes it. What your children need is certainty, decide exactly how the separation and contact will be before telling the children and do not sit them down to deliver the news, just pick up a moment when you are doing something together and tell them without making a lot of fuss but have answers to their questions ready.

I just said to DS: you notice that dad and me are fighting a lot lately so we decided to give each other some space, so he is going to move to another house for a while. He interrupted to ask if that meant he won’t see his dad anymore, and I replied that his dad was going to see him on Wednesdays and every other weekend, that he was going to have bedroom there so it was going to be a little bit like a holiday, I also threw in that his dad had got him a bunkbed Once he heard about he bunkbed he forgot he had a mother grin.

I made sure DS spent the first night of dad away with him. I thought ghat would help him to avoid feeling abandoned, and against what I expected those weekends alone with dad without me running the circus in the background were very good for the three of us as we had free time to catch up with stuff and friends (all those things you need to rebuild yourself) when DS was not around, and the weekends he was here it was a party as the time with DS became very valuable and not to be wasted.

harknesswitch Fri 26-Mar-21 08:02:22

So sorry op, what you're going through is torture. It's torture because he's trying to keep a foot in each door, he's keeping you both hanging.

My advice, as others have said, is to take control. It sounds counter productive, but you really do now need to accept that it's over and start acting as such. Leaving him an in just means he gets to play you both off against each other. Do you really want to be part of that shit show and with someone who can do that. Stop communicating with him. He can talk about the dc but nothing else. Speak to a solicitor about your next steps. You will also have to tell friends and family and your dc.

Believe me, this half life your in at the moment will do you no good whatsoever.

KarmaNoMore Fri 26-Mar-21 08:03:26

Get this book . It can really make things more positive for all the family whether you stay together or go your separate ways after the separation.

ravenmum Fri 26-Mar-21 08:04:07

Don't listen to any suggestions which may come up that you should have known things were shit and it's your own fault you didn't do something about it. Some people do cheat even when they are coasting along in a happy marriage - because they are greedy, not necessarily because something is missing.

Also don't let your dh make this about his torture and sadness, while you swallow your own feelings. You're allowed to focus on you.

And don't base any decisions on the "no sex" claims. They only admit to the very minimum necessary.

Levirandal Fri 26-Mar-21 08:35:05

You must be devastated. I think for me the fact that he’s chosen to leave and get his head together 🤨 would be enough to make me file for divorce. I wouldn’t want to be anyone’s back up plan.

KitchenFairy Fri 26-Mar-21 08:45:53

If he’s moved out and living with his parents I think you need to really give him a taste of the life he’s choosing - and that means some formalised contact with the children where it’s pre-arranged, he’s doesn’t get to come into your house, he does his fair share of school pick ups and drop offs, takes the children out/away from the home for a few hours and drops them back at a prearranged time.

You haven’t said but I’m guessing he’s swanning in and out of the home at his own convenience and trying to act like nothing is going on while he’s there.

I would also tell him I’ve made a solicitors appointment to discuss options with regards divorce, the family home, and there will need to be a conversation about finances.

I imagine it’s all too comfortable for him at the moment, he’s living with his parents having his washing, cooking, cleaning done for him, he does none of the grunt work with his own children, he gets to ‘date’ the OW while he still has you on the back burner in case it doesn’t work out.

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