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I’ve been a stupid gullible idiot..

(278 Posts)
Therewere5inthebed Sun 07-Mar-21 19:06:30

I’ve had a rotten time recently, marriage broke up in October due to EXH affair, DF passed away three weeks ago and I was feeling so bloody lonely, I did a stupid thing and joined Tinder..

Got talking to a lovely man, lots of messaging going on, he seemed really genuine and respectful.

We met on Monday and had the most wonderful first date, really special, we just clicked, walked and talked for 4 hrs! Things progressed as the chemistry was zinging and we spent another hr kissing, again he was very respectful and so lovely.

We had the week of tension building with messages and hr or two hr chats every evening. We arranged a date for last night (if you’re going to moan that I broke lockdown restrictions please don’t, I know I was stupid and don’t need to hear it again).
He arrived, we started kissing, dinner was forgotten and we headed to the bedroom pretty quickly, we had the most amazing night, he was so considerate in bed and we both had an amazing time. He was anxious to leave at 10 this morning as he said had arrangements with his children during the day.

He left saying that we’d meet again on Saturday, I sent him a text an hr or so later saying thank you for a great night.. he’s not even read the message.. usually he’d return my text within 30mins or immediately.

For the record, I have never been so reckless, I’m always sensible but I’m now having a major wobble that I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

I’ve slept with him so quickly and I’ve allowed myself to get emotionally involved, he was telling me the old chestnuts about how amazing things were, so intense so quickly and that it all felt so perfect and how happy he was and I got swept along with it.

Please give me some wise but gentle advice..

OP’s posts: |
OnlyHerefortheBiscuits Sun 07-Mar-21 19:13:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnlyHerefortheBiscuits Sun 07-Mar-21 19:14:44

I' sorry, I speed read that

And read that you had brokem up with your partner.

I'm sorry for your loss xxxx

(and will do better to not speed read in future)

iknowthatforafact Sun 07-Mar-21 19:15:58

A good friend tells me to wait 3 days, if they can't respond at all within that time then it isn't worth your time.

He may well be with his kids and itching to reply but can't juggle the 2 things simultaneously

LApprentiSorcier Sun 07-Mar-21 19:17:29

He may have got cold feed, there might be a genuine reason for his silence or he might just be one of those men for whom the pursuit of sex is the point of dating and once that's achieved, the interest has gone.

If it's the last one, you'll have to take it for what it was - you had a wonderful date and amazing sex. You can learn from the experience not to get emotionally involved so quickly. Perhaps you were vulnerable to over-involvement due to the recent loss of your father flowers.

He has only been in your life a couple of weeks, so this should help you get over him more quickly. I think it's important that you see RL support for your bereavement and perhaps take a little while for your emotions to become more stable before other potential involvements.

PatchworkElmer Sun 07-Mar-21 19:18:25

Ok, well I wouldn’t panic yet! He’s got his children, he could be busy. Give it a day before you assume the worst. Has the message been delivered?

Therewere5inthebed Sun 07-Mar-21 19:18:31

Thanks for your reply, I allowed myself to get hurt yet again.. I think I just wanted to feel happy for a bit.. it’s all been so shit recently.

OP’s posts: |
FeckTheMagicDragon Sun 07-Mar-21 19:19:26

I used to have a rule about not shagging too early, until someone pointed out it was a good way to get rid of the wasters. And hopefully have a decent shag before emotions are too heavily involved.

AmelieTaylor Sun 07-Mar-21 19:22:10

Look, did you enjoy the night?

Why not focus on that rather than being upset he's not what he seemed or worry about having had a ONS?

Remember the night for the fun/good sex it was and move on! They don't hand out points for staying celibate. It's a shame he didn't turn out to be as nice as you thought he was, but that's life.

I'm sorry about your DF 💐& obviously your marriage breaking up

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself Sun 07-Mar-21 19:22:25

I love the “Chuck it in the fuck it bucket” idea.
Could you rationalise it it as you had a lovely time and a top shag out of it so could be worse and move on?

crosshatching Sun 07-Mar-21 19:22:39

Consider your night with this guy a gift to yourself. You put yourself and your needs first, and it sounds like that was exactly what you needed to do right now.
I'm so sorry for your recent losses. You have a lot of grieving to do and frankly a new intense relationship might be the very last thing you really need at the moment.
You had a great night, you know you're desirable take it as a boost to your self-esteem and a time out from some of the other things you're dealing with.
Be kind to yourself 💐

PursuingProxemicExactitude Sun 07-Mar-21 19:23:03

I’ve been taken for a ride.. so to speak.

But how? What have you lost? You've known the man less than a week - you surely can't have been basing all your hopes and dreams for the rest of your life on anything that happened between you in that time?

You had a nice time. Right now, there's nothing more to it than that. Neither of you owe the other anything more.

OhCaptain Sun 07-Mar-21 19:23:49

Worse case is that he’s a

OhCaptain Sun 07-Mar-21 19:24:28


Worse case is that he’s a fuck boy but you got a good shag out of it.

Unfortunately it’s a bit par for the course.

MarshmallowAra Sun 07-Mar-21 19:24:54

You had some really nice sex.

If he was interested in a relationship, having sex earlyish wouldn't make a difference at all. So it doesn't matter.

MarshmallowAra Sun 07-Mar-21 19:26:04

I mean he would've fucked off sooner or later,better sooner.

UhtredRagnarson Sun 07-Mar-21 19:26:19

Why do you feel so upset OP? Would you not have had sex if you thought it would just be a one time thing?

IamTotoro Sun 07-Mar-21 19:26:57

Could his phone be dead if he went straight from you to his kids?

MarshmallowAra Sun 07-Mar-21 19:27:05

Oh and don't let him drag you back in with excuses when he's at a loose end in future.

AtticusF1nch Sun 07-Mar-21 19:29:24

'Intense so quickly' sounds like a recipe for disaster from the off! No relationship needs to be intense

Just work out what you want going forward. If it's no strings sex then great. If it's a relationship then don't have sex too early on if it's going to upset you if he then goes cold on you.

I think you're probably fragile from all that's gone on recently so not in a good space to be dating anyway.

Oh and do bear in mind that he's just not read one message you sent an hour ago! I do believe you get a gut feeling for when you're being ghosted but I wouldn't be so quick to be all doom and gloom because he's not replied to a text within minutes. It's all a bit ... much

Cam2020 Sun 07-Mar-21 19:30:55

I agree with PPs - you had fun, it's not like you didn't get anything out of it! You had sex with someone you liked, there's nothing wrong with that. Given what's been going on in your life recently, perhaps some fun is just what you need opposed to something intense?

TheWaif Sun 07-Mar-21 19:34:46

Clearly the OP didn't get what she wanted from it so it's fairly unpleasant to say she should be glad for the shag!

I feel for you OP. Is be feeling just the same. I'm meeting a guy at the weekend and I'm dreading a similar thing happening.

MMmomDD Sun 07-Mar-21 19:35:33

Op - exhale and stop dramatising.
You didn’t get ‘emotionally involved’. You just reached out and had a bit of human connection.
In these times of lockdown and interrupted life we are all starved for that.

As to sleeping with someone ‘too quickly’. You aren’t teenagers. You liked each other and had sex. Both enjoyed it, by your account. No one used anyone.
It doesn’t matter how quickly you sleep with someone. If you two like each other and want the same things - you’ll gravitate towards each other. Or not - if it’s not meant to be.
No need to be this needy and jump to conclusions based on one message response. People can be busy.

OLD takes time and thick skin. If this one doesn’t work out - just thread more carefully next time. Don’t take things too seriously too quickly and it’ll be OK.

Therewere5inthebed Sun 07-Mar-21 19:38:42

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy myself, I’m just cross with myself that I believed his hype. I’m not a ONS fan.

I know it’s only one message but I had a gut feeling before I replied.. once again I should have listened to my gut! I feel cross with myself, not him.

OP’s posts: |
Pebbledashery Sun 07-Mar-21 19:39:22

I wouldn't panic yet. He's got his children.. It's neither respectful or appropriate for him to reply in the context of reminiscing about your night together. I think he will reply when his kids go back to mums.. X

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