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This is unforgivable, right?

(307 Posts)
HeidiSchmeidi Thu 04-Mar-21 19:00:15

I think this is probably unforgivable but just want to run it by an objective audience. This happened a year ago and my ex is trying to get me to take him back (he has been trying for a year) and I wanted to see if I am crazy for even considering it.

My boyfriend and I were long distance at the time, and I hadn't seen him in three months. His ex started working with him. She is a woman (colleague from another office) who he had a brief relationship with (a few months) and he ended it because she was in love with him and wanted more and he didn't return her feelings.

When she arrived though, she relentlessly chased after him. To the point of propositioning him for sex and telling him if he did it she would never tell me and so on. She started sending him messages and so on about how she still loved him and didn't he miss her (he did tell her to stop and eventually blocked her) but it was quite blatant she was trying to steal my man.

In his defense he did tell her to please leave him alone because he was in a relationship (she didn't respect this request) and he was also completely honest and told me everything at the time and shared any texts with me so I was in the loop.

At the time, pre-pandemic, there were a lot of boozy work nights out almost every weekend, and I know my boyfriend very well and he is one of those people who gets absolutely blotto and does and says crazy things (loves everyone), so I was very uncomfortable with him getting wasted drunk if she was around. Not so much because I thought he would sleep with her, but just because I thought a conversation would start that he would not be in control of and so on.

So we agreed he wouldn't go to events which she was at, or if he did that he'd stay sober. Which he did for three months. Then one day there was an event she wasn't meant to be at, but she showed up to and he was already completely wasted when she got there. He was drunk at this point with no boundaries so he didn't think to leave.

She started hitting on him quite blatantly, and he ended up talking to her for a while. I happened to call him, and he told me where he was and that he'd chatted to her and in his drunk state he didn't see a problem at all with it. He actually got quite belligerent with me "I am an adult I think I can make a judgement".

I was home alone, I'd had a really stressful day and I felt very threatened by how persistently this woman was trying to steal my man and so I asked him to come home and call me. So he did and left five minutes later (it was about 9.30pm). He had been drinking all day on some corporate boat trip and he was absolutely wasted.

We never argued much, but I ended up absolutely raging at him, shouting, and told him I wanted to break up with him. I then blocked him on everything. This might seem an over-reaction, but at the time we were under a lot of strain being separated, and I felt he wasn't doing enough to get this woman to stop chasing after him (maybe his ego enjoyed it a bit) and it was making me feel really uncomfortable.

I'd stress we never had ANY problems with trust before (together two years) but this woman was blatantly gunning for him in the most obvious way and I was worried after so many months apart and her constantly trying to get him alone that something might happen everyone would regret.

Anyway, I did my dumping tantrum, and he (already wasted) decided to go back to the party and carry on drinking because he was upset and said he was on a self-destruct mission. She got him talking, he told her we had split up and cut a long story short he went back to her place and slept with her.

The next day he woke up really horrified but he believed we were genuinely split up so he went home. Later that day I called him to try and patch up our fight and sort things out and he confessed what had happened.

I was absolutely devastated, and told him I could never forgive him. He cried for weeks, tried everything he could to win me back but I just could not get past it.

Here we are over a year later and he is still trying to win me back, I am the love of his life and so on, it was a drunken mistake he made when he felt I'd dumped him.

Any thoughts on this? We do still love each other, but although my behavior was bad on that night I couldn't figure out why a few hours after our breakup he went and had sex with the one woman who had been making me feel unsafe for so long.

Obviously I;ve been very uncomfortable

OP’s posts: |
toomanyplants Thu 04-Mar-21 19:03:39

Your focus is on the other woman too much.
He's a prick.

Marlena1 Thu 04-Mar-21 19:05:01

OP I think your call is a red herring. You knew there was something to worry about and you were right. If you were to get back with him, you would really need to bear it in mind that you were worried he would sleep with someone else and he did. Drink isn't a good enough excuse.

HeidiSchmeidi Thu 04-Mar-21 19:07:07

Do you think "I thought you had dumped me" is an excuse? I thought this was bollocks at the time because you don't go out immediately drunk and sleep with someone else.

OP’s posts: |
Morgan12 Thu 04-Mar-21 19:07:56

No I wouldn't forgive him. He went and shagged her straight after you broke up with him. All this 'too drunk' talk is utter bullshit. He wanted a fuck so he went and got one.

I'd be very interested to hear her side of the story.

Janaih Thu 04-Mar-21 19:09:33

Well technically he was single at the time of the incident so he doesn't require forgiving.
I agree he sounds like a right prick though. Pretty sure you can do better.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Thu 04-Mar-21 19:09:40

You blame her.

It was him.

It sounds like the trust has totally gone and what you had will never be the same if you got back together. If you're happy with 75% of what you had, and trust issues, then go for it.

I suggest you just move on though.

MarySanderson Thu 04-Mar-21 19:10:31

We were on a break

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Thu 04-Mar-21 19:10:49

She didn't owe you anything. He did. Why on earth would you even entertain such a bellend?! hmm

sapphired Thu 04-Mar-21 19:11:17

He proved you right didn't he!
It is unforgivable. Drunk or not he knew that seeping with her would upset you and he still did it.
No woman can steal a man who isn't up for it. Men have free will and aren't controlled by their willies, drunk or sober and no woman has mind controlling f powers over poor helpless men.
Stop blaming her and remember what he did.

alanpartridgefromtheoasthouse Thu 04-Mar-21 19:12:22

@MarySanderson beat me to it.

He's pathetic. Cut him out of your life and find someone who's crazy about you and wouldn't fuck someone else within an hour of an argument.

beelzeboob Thu 04-Mar-21 19:12:24

But he was 100% honest with you the whole time, he tried to block her / ignore her but it would have been difficult when they work together. He got shitfaced one night, you dumped him (totally unreasonably IMO), he went a shagged her probably as a “fuck the world” type action whilst pissed and upset.
I think I’d be able to forgive him if I loved him.

Monsterjam Thu 04-Mar-21 19:12:53

I mean you had dumped him so he had no obligation to you. However it doesn’t sound like you trust him and that sounds miserable to you both.

Name99 Thu 04-Mar-21 19:12:56

I'd say the amount of alcohol he drinks is also a concern, if hes getting into states like that often
But to your question, nah I wouldn't accept that.

okokok000 Thu 04-Mar-21 19:13:10

HeidiSchmeidi

Do you think "I thought you had dumped me" is an excuse? I thought this was bollocks at the time because you don't go out immediately drunk and sleep with someone else.


No it's not an excuse. @Marlena1 is right.

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail Thu 04-Mar-21 19:13:14

You didn’t trust him anyway and it sounds like he has a drinking problem.

I don’t think she is the issue. It also comes across that he spent three months making you play the Pick Me game by telling you all of this and sending you texts (no need for and of it except for his ego), and then you didn’t play the game well enough so he had sex with her anyway.

Janaih Thu 04-Mar-21 19:13:38

If you got back with him you're just going to be a) annoyed and b) worried to have an argument in case he goes and shags someone else.
Regardless of who is to blame, its too much drama.

Rainbowshine Thu 04-Mar-21 19:13:51

Just saying, your focus on the other woman involved as “stealing your man” is misplaced and has the risk of you blaming her for his behaviour. He’s a competent adult so he’s to account for what he’s done. And to add, I would not have any connection to him again and wouldn’t try to repair the relationship at all.

LookingForSalt Thu 04-Mar-21 19:14:01

I just couldn't respect someone who got so drunk so regularly, he sounds grotesque, never mind the carry on with the other woman.

You blame her for things you can't possibly know about. It's really simple, if your ex want into her, she wouldn't be in the picture. He obviously enjoys her attentions so don't kid yourself otherwise.

I think you need to put your energy into gaining self esteem rather than on this man who makes you feel so insecure. Once you're in better shape, the rest will fall into place. I know it's probably not what you want to hear but honestly, this is so messed up, you can only do better than this fool of man.

Woebegonad Thu 04-Mar-21 19:14:22

He fancied her, he fucked her.

She didn't steal your precious man hmm

ohwaitthatwasme Thu 04-Mar-21 19:14:40

beelzeboob

But he was 100% honest with you the whole time, he tried to block her / ignore her but it would have been difficult when they work together. He got shitfaced one night, you dumped him (totally unreasonably IMO), he went a shagged her probably as a “fuck the world” type action whilst pissed and upset.
I think I’d be able to forgive him if I loved him.



This ^

I don't see what he did wrong at all for you to dump him. Afyer area of course he shouldn't have slept with her but if I was in that situation where I did absolutely nothing wrong and got treated like a child then dumped I would have fucked the other person out of pure spite. Twice.

Marineboy67 Thu 04-Mar-21 19:14:50

toomanyplants

Your focus is on the other woman too much.
He's a prick.

I'd have to agree with this, you can't keep making excuses for him. What sort of selfish twat drunk or not goes and shags someone 5 minutes after being dumped. If he loved you enough he would've been devastated. Instead he selfishly went back to the party and had sex with another woman. If your foolish enough to take him back what happens next time you have a argument. You won't be able to trust him again. Move forward don't go back there.

Woolff Thu 04-Mar-21 19:15:01

MarySanderson

We were on a break

Exactly what I was thinking.

I blame Ross, not Rachel.

HeidiSchmeidi Thu 04-Mar-21 19:15:48

When he was trying to win me back a few weeks after, he volunteered the Whatsapp screenshots of his conversation with the woman the regarding the night in question. She gave her story which was that he came back, told her we had split up, they danced, got on the bus together, went back to hers and had sex. She was saying she loved him and so on, and he was saying he was just extremely drunk and upset and it should never have happened and he apologised.

So I don't think the motivation was actually wanting to be with her or anything. He doesn't want a relationship with her and she's not very attractive so I don't think it's a desperate sexual desire or anything.

Even after all this time, I can't wrap my head around doing that just for sex. Knowing that when I found out I would never talk to him again!!! It never made sense at all to me, and he has just consistently blamed thinking I had dumped him and wanting to self destruct.

OP’s posts: |
HeidiSchmeidi Thu 04-Mar-21 19:17:05

I don't know why people are saying I blame her. I obviously blame him because I ended the relationship sad I am just pointing out that this woman was relentless, to give context to how anxious I was at the time.

OP’s posts: |

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