I've just found his secret email account

(135 Posts)
Chopbob Mon 01-Mar-21 23:27:37

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

OP’s posts: |
SugarfreeBlitz Sat 06-Mar-21 09:31:29

@moanieleminx thanks, it has taken me years to speak out. I have decided not to let shame make me keep quiet now because it's his shame, not mine. I hope in future to use my experiences and empathy to help other abused women, but I dont know how yet.

Itstimetoquit Fri 05-Mar-21 18:45:17

How are you op x

User75908 Fri 05-Mar-21 17:44:38

How are you OP?

moanieleminx Thu 04-Mar-21 15:10:46

SugarfreeBlitz

*@moanieleminx* thats so sad for your friend. I knew my ex had a history of it but I thought I'd be "enough" and believed everything he told me. I was wrong. We went without adequate food and necessities, got into debt- and all because of his "habit".

I found it really hard to leave him as he was my first bf- but one STD test too many I suppose. I didn't want sex with him when I found out so he was raping me.


Oh my goodness that is horrendous! I am so sorry you went through that!!!

SugarfreeBlitz Thu 04-Mar-21 09:26:27

@moanieleminx thats so sad for your friend. I knew my ex had a history of it but I thought I'd be "enough" and believed everything he told me. I was wrong. We went without adequate food and necessities, got into debt- and all because of his "habit".

I found it really hard to leave him as he was my first bf- but one STD test too many I suppose. I didn't want sex with him when I found out so he was raping me.

moanieleminx Wed 03-Mar-21 20:41:55

Happened to a friend. She found out just before the wedding, married him anyway.

It lasted 6 years. Turns out he did it the whole way through their relationship.

Please take care of yourself. You deserve much much more. And this is all on him, before he starts with 'the script!

NorbertMeubles Wed 03-Mar-21 13:25:08

Leave. Put you first.

Beamur Wed 03-Mar-21 13:13:20

A friend of mine, happily married, four kids, had a similar thing happen. Husband had been leading a double life for years, other women, possibly prostitutes. She was utterly blindsided. But she left him and started again. Met someone new, remarried and has a happy life again after a really horrible few months. Such a tough thing to happen to anyone.
Hugs flowers

SugarfreeBlitz Wed 03-Mar-21 13:06:38

@GrandTheftWalrus I'm sorry that happened to you as well. My ex played the victim to everyone so there are still people who won't speak to me because they believe the lies he told. Still, I am so much happier now because he's not in my life. He took my best years, but at least he can't cheat me or hurt me anymore.

I'm so glad you've got a lovely dh and 4yo and another baby on the way! I moved on and have a life I love now.

GrandTheftWalrus Wed 03-Mar-21 12:34:45

Yeah all our friends took his side. I didn't really care. I'm just glad I didn't have kids with him. We had been trying for 6 years before I found out.

Now with a lovely dh and a 4yo dd and another on the way

SugarfreeBlitz Wed 03-Mar-21 12:17:06

GrandTheftWalrus

My exh done this for years and I stuck with him because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I should've left well before I did.

He said he was curious because he had only ever been with me and didn't meet anyone etc. I had photos that proved otherwise.

Me too flowers

I felt less of a woman ( a complete failure) but the whole relationship was abusive, not just his secret life. I left him after I got pregnant and he made it clear he didn't want another child. I have never looked back or regretted it. He did smear me and slander me so I lost a lot of friends that took his side. That hurt. But I have a lovely new life now.

Those men lie a lot, it's their currency. They appear respectable and lead a whole secret life. If only people actually understood this.

justilou1 Wed 03-Mar-21 11:52:02

Please, whatever you do, don’t be guilt-tripped into protecting his reputation amongst your friends and family, either. Sure as shit stinks, he’s going to go straight into damage control by doing everything he can to discredit yours with them. He’s going to attempt to make you look like a lunatic any chance he gets. Be prepared... He’s going to act all hurt, as though you’re “accusing him” of the most nefarious deeds, and they would never, ever have crossed his mind. Show proof. You have the evidence.

Takeitonthechin Wed 03-Mar-21 11:33:08

I think when someone goes down this route of watching porn, needing others to turn them on... it doesn't matter who they are with whether it's you or another partner, they will always cheat and do this. Do you want to go through the rest of your life wondering what he's doing when you're out and he's at home or you're in different rooms, you will drive yourself crazy OP and it's not a life to bring up children. The more he does it, the more he will need it.
Cut your losses for your sanity and the kids, you will eventually get over him.
Put yourself and the kids first, in the end you will be pleased you have.

Itstimetoquit Wed 03-Mar-21 11:16:15

How are you op x

ktp100 Wed 03-Mar-21 11:01:46

Chopbob

Anotherpointofview2174567 is right though. Clearly something was missing. I just wasn't enough and I don't know why 😭

Some men are just sleazy bastard who get off on shagging dirty skanks.

NOTHING you could have done within your marriage would have stopped the enjoyment he got from sneaking around on these grim sites, chatting to fellow wrong 'uns.

HE'S THE PIECE OF SHIT, NOT YOU!!

Don't internalise this and let ANYONE suggest you are in the wrong at all. That's some victim blaming buillshit.

He chose to look for prostitutes etc while married with 2 small babies at home. That's HIS disgrace, not yours.

Redruby2020 Wed 03-Mar-21 10:54:33

Chopbob

I also took screen shots of everything. I have forwarded all of the emails to myself so I have all of the proof


That's good glad you did that. Absolutely devastating, give yourself time, other usual stuff has to be done so that should help keep you busy, time does help, what bothers you now won't feel the same in time to come, good that he's gone to stay with DM, and rightly so, space is needed here. Think about what you might want to say when you next speak. Sometimes people want to know why someone did what they did etc, others don't, it's whatever helps you.

GrandTheftWalrus Wed 03-Mar-21 10:26:05

My exh done this for years and I stuck with him because I didn't think anyone else would want me. I should've left well before I did.

He said he was curious because he had only ever been with me and didn't meet anyone etc. I had photos that proved otherwise.

SugarfreeBlitz Wed 03-Mar-21 10:22:44

I would love to know if all the woman shaming brigade on here would advise a man to stay with his wife if SHE was the one using prostitutes for several years, leading a double life? hmm

I wonder if they would blame him and say he must not have been catering to her sexual appetites. hmm Turning the tables a bit to see what would happen if the boot were on the other foot! What's good for the goose is good for the gander?

Rosieposy89 Wed 03-Mar-21 10:18:38

Hugs op. I can't imagine your devastation. His repulsive, vile behaviour isn't a reflection on you and is not a personal failing on your part. He probably would've acted like this with another partner. Focus on you and your lovely children, don't waste your energy on this man who has failed his family x

SugarfreeBlitz Wed 03-Mar-21 09:50:17

Actually, anyone who tries to blame a woman's partner for him cheating is a very nasty piece of work. angry

HE needs to take responsibility for having cheated for multiple years and in fact living a double life. He wouldn't be the first man and won't be the last to do this.

Using his son's laptop for porn and prostitution is actually a Child Protection issue and I hope this gets raised with Child Protection Services. This is extremely inappropriate behaviour and anyone who actually thinks it's not the "poor mans" fault needs to look at themselves and ask themselves about their enabling behaviour. What if the 6 year old child found that? Is that his wife's fault too?!! How ridiculous to explain away a grown man's sex addiction and make it his wife's fault.

Enabling an addict is not a good idea. It's never a good idea to make excuses for someone's addiction. Unless that person wants help and freedom from their addiction, everyone is wasting their time who is in a relationship with them.

SEX ADDICTION can be caused by a genetic predisposition to emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, or sensation-seeking behavior, If someone is inclined towards impulsive behavior and have high levels of sex-related hormones, they will be more likely to engage in excess sexual activities. They get addicted to it after the rush of endorphins and if you want to understand this, read how fetishes develop

Do NOT accuse women of being responsible for their men having a sex addiction. OP deserves support and healing, flowers not condemnation. The only help for those men is therapy (and even then they would have to want to turn their back on something that brings them pleasure or it would not work)

Unfortunately there are many men with a sexual addiction. Many of them lead secret lives, spending money that is designated for housing and food so that their families go without adequate food and clothing. Some of them have carefully constructed respectable social images so that no one would ever believe what they were doing. If found out they will smear their ex to save their skin. Cowards. And shame on anyone who supports them.

You wouldn't enable a drug addict or an alcoholic (or if you would you need to read about codependancy) sad

Stop bashing women who have been betrayed Disgraceful behaviour! Shame on YOU.

SugarfreeBlitz Wed 03-Mar-21 09:29:20

@Anotherpointofview2174567

Maybe ask him why and try talking before throwing your marriage away. There was obviously something missing in your relationship

What? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that accusation is? Did you read the post, he's done it for eight years. That's not an accident, and it's likely gone on longer than that. I ended a relationship with a man who was addicted to prostitutes myself (and it was people like you that made me feel bad)

Men who use prostitutes use them because it's their kink. It's their choice. They like it. Like another person said, they were always available for s*x - and it still wasn't enough. Some men just have addictions, end of. To blame their partner is absolutely unbelieveable. So, if IM addicted to glue, is that my partners fault for not meeting my emotional needs? So, if IM using porn is that my partners fault for not meeting my sexual needs?

Oh no... because it's people like you who woman shame without knowing all the facts. No one needs that judgemental nonsense when it's the person cheated on who should be supported.

Dontbeme Wed 03-Mar-21 09:19:34

For all the posters advising the OP to have a cosy chat over a nice cup of tea and get over her tantrum that her husband has been gadding about with prostitutes, have you ever read a post here or anywhere else where a man came on to seek advice about his wife cheating and he was told to get over it?

I certainly haven't, not once can I remember reading, hearing about or seeing in real life a bloke told to get over it and think of holding the family together for the kids, not once told that he should acknowledge his role in the marriage lacking in some way, the advice is always "bin the slag". It seems only women are told to swallow down bullshit and call it cake.

OP I second the advice to contact the Laurel Centre, they have books or an online forum for advice if you prefer. thelaurelcentre.co.uk/

ThrowingAShellstrop Wed 03-Mar-21 08:38:41

HE’S not enough OP. HE’S not enough. It’s not you it’s HIM. He’s not good enough for you and you deserve a whole world better than him.

bestguesstimate Wed 03-Mar-21 08:29:54

justilou1

Please don’t attempt to take on any responsibility for the decisions he’s made here. These were HIS CHOICES. HIS!!! When you said that you weren’t enough for him, you know that’s not true... He’s too much of an emotional toddler to be in a committed, loving, respectful, adult relationship with any woman, or there is no way he would be able to treat you - or them - with such disdain. I bet he has other misogynistic tendencies that make your skin crawl, but you have been minimising for years as well, too.

Emotional toddler is right. When I was 14 I came home from school and turned on my computer to find links for porn and prostitution (‘punting’) sites, including reviews of prostitutes, in my internet history. I called my dad and asked if he’d been using my computer earlier that day. He said he had, but didn’t say why. When I showed him about these sites in my internet history he said my computer must have a virus. He’d been working from home and of course couldn’t look up such sites on his work computer in the other room. Great to know as 14 year old me that my dad had been wanking and booking and possibly reviewing sex workers in my room.
I wish my mum had had the guts to leave him many years before that incident. He was a misogynist and had numerous affairs and dalliances, and would always turn the blame around on others. I never saw a happy and healthy marriage/ relationship modelled. I know your boy is just 6 but I believe kids can pick up on the emotional undercurrents between their parents. My dad caused a lot of emotional damage over the years which I’m only really over years later. I truly believe my mum and siblings and I would have been so so much happier and emotionally and psychologically healthier if we’d not lived with him.
You don’t deserve any of this bullshit, which is nothing to do with you by the way. He’s pathetic and it’s all his doing. For your sake and your sons, get your ducks in a row and leave the twat flowers

everyonebutme Wed 03-Mar-21 06:31:23

A similar thing happened to me when my children were very young. I tried continuing with the marriage for another 10 or so years but it was awful. Obviously I never trusted him so was always looking out to see what he was up to and there was no intimacy anymore. He was no longer the person I married and I could no longer trust him. I continued for the children and the good family life, home, etc and to the outside world we had a good marriage (I had never told anyone). Eventually I found evidence he was having an affair and eventually I divorced him. I feel as though I lost many years through not divorcing him sooner and had many years of unhappiness but kept a brave face for my children and the outside world.

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