Page 2 | I've just found his secret email account

(135 Posts)
Chopbob Mon 01-Mar-21 23:27:37

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

OP’s posts: |
Chocaholic9 Tue 02-Mar-21 07:53:10

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrific discovery to make. I think that a relationship can recover from an affair in some cases, but I don't see how you can recover from this, because it's with prostitutes? It wouldn't surprise me if he has been paying women for sex for years. I expect this started before you met and he'll continue for a long time to come. If you stay, you need to be OK with the fact that it's likely to continue.

Chocaholic9 Tue 02-Mar-21 07:54:04

I say that because I know a couple of people who have been in a similar position and for their partners it was a long standing compulsion to use prostitutes.

Kelly3255 Tue 02-Mar-21 09:20:09

You're strong and you don't need him. You never needed him. Let him live his single life, seeing prostitutes and talking to women. He can still be a good Dad. You know that it's now time to leave him because no one deserves to be treated like that. He's shown you what he wants and that's totally fine, he just can't have you in his life as his woman anymore. Wish him the best.

yetmorecrap Tue 02-Mar-21 09:32:04

I’m so sorry OP, it’s so awful when you find out your partner or husband is capable of such shit whilst carrying on life as normal- I’ve been there although not the same situation. You really should separate , the fact is you will never trust him again and it’s hard to live life like that— I have done so and playing 007 for years gets very tedious and kills any previous love/affection. If you are able to do so (and some naturally wouldn’t) you can still stay friends

aweegc Tue 02-Mar-21 09:37:06

I'm so sorry he's done this to you OP. I'm glad you've told your parents though. I do hope that although devastated they're being supportive.

Please keep in mind at all times that this is all his doing. The first time he contacted a prostitute he broke the marriage and family life. Any decision you take from now on needs to centre you and the children. He gets no say, bar what the law says, in anything.


Swordfish1 Tue 02-Mar-21 12:21:09

I am so sorry, this must be totally utterly devasting for you. But you are most definitely better off as a single mother. You do not need that kind of shit in your life. It will get easier.

What the fuck is wrong with these men?

Swordfish1 Tue 02-Mar-21 12:24:30

And you are not pathetic to miss him. You miss the person you thought he was and that's totally normal. He isn't that person though. You need to remind yourself of that every time you feel your strength weakening.

peak2021 Tue 02-Mar-21 13:02:16

You have not overreacted and I hope you can find a way forward, which will be without him.

stuckinatrap Tue 02-Mar-21 13:10:12

OP - you don't need to feel mortified by getting an STI check. None of the shame here is yours. It is all on that arsehole.

You can get a home test delivered for free and do it at home. You don't need to see another human being.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Sunshineandflipflops Tue 02-Mar-21 13:57:47

I'm sorry op.

Not the same exactly but I discovered my husband's affair 3 years ago via emails. He was also my best friend and we have been together since child hood with 2 children.

I chose to separate and be a single parent over living half a life, wondering if or when he would do it again and wondering what it was about me that made him do it and how I could change.

It's been hard but I don't doubt staying together would have been harder. We now co-parent well and I have met someone else and am happy. This has been going on for too long for it to be a one off or a mistake and it won't stop because you have found out. If it does, it will just be until he thinks you trust him again and then he will continue.

Sunshineandflipflops Tue 02-Mar-21 13:58:27

Ph, I also got an SDI check. It wasn't my best moment ever but it gave me peace of mind and no-one is there to judge you.

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 02-Mar-21 14:10:38

I'm so sorry, OP - it was over 30 years of prostitute use when it happened to me - but you're doing exactly the right thing in getting him to stay else where for now, telling your DPs and of course getting an STI test

Just to reassure you that there's absolutely no need at all to feel nervous about this; obviously the whole thing's nothing new to them, and among health workers I've honestly never met a kinder, ore empathetic group of women

Puzzledandpissedoff Tue 02-Mar-21 14:13:36

Also meant to add that you don't even need to have the STI test on your medical records if you'd prefer not to. The hospitals ask if you wish your GP to be notified and you can easily say no ... you can even visit under a different name if you really wanted to

User75908 Tue 02-Mar-21 18:38:06

This is a shock OP and you are feeling hurt and vulnerable and can't turn off your feelings. But please do not stay with this man. Like many other posters, I did. I loved him. Thought he could change. I spent years trying to help him to do so. I thought he had. He hadn't. And time drifts by and your life runs out. Please get out now OP. It will be hard.... incredibly hard, but believe us when we say that it will be worse if you stay with him.

I felt exactly the same as you and convinced myself of so many reasons why I'd stay. For the kids. For my easy life. My house. His love. Our life together. All these things were amazing but they didn't stop him seeking sex elsewhere, even when I would do it 5 times a week - and porn style, not vanilla. Some men are addicted. End of. You will regret it like we did op. Be strong. Seek help on here. On NC threads.

I hate writing about myself on here but your story struck such a chord with me. Please.

Eckhart Tue 02-Mar-21 18:53:04

How sickening.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is

DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT invalidate your own feelings, for god's sake. You need to be fully in support of yourself, here. Of course you will miss him. It's like he has vanished in front of your eyes. You're going to have millions of emotions, lots of them conflicting, and it's very important to be empathic and sympathetic with yourself. Nothing you feel is pathetic. Everything you feel is valid. Be really really really nice to yourself. You're going to need your own support. flowers

ThrowingAShellstrop Tue 02-Mar-21 19:01:05

Gosh @Chopbob. All I can say is how sorry I am and wish you all the luck in the world going forward.

I also wanted to echo @Eckhart. Whatever you feel right now and at any time in the future isn’t pathetic. You’re going through some real trauma here. Be kind to yourself. You’ve already taken the very brave first step of telling your parents. You can totally do this without him flowers

Febo24 Tue 02-Mar-21 19:15:52

Another in the club 🙋‍♀️. I walked in on my husband wanking on camera.

It took me 3 months of attempting to make it work and therapy to realise that it just couldn't work.

We're separated now, but still have a way to go. I think he'd like to get back together but I realised that all the mental gymnastics wound have been on me. I can't unsee what I've seen, or forgive the way he went about this before and after. And the respect isn't there. We do have a great co-parenting relationship, so try and salvage that if you can - although it has required monumental levels of grace on my part.

You'll be okay, you can do this because the alternative is no life for you or your kids. Let him do him though, focus on you, your recovery and your ability to raise your kids.

Lots of love x

rosesarered2021 Tue 02-Mar-21 19:43:24

Mine got the prostitute pregnant! We were married for 24 years with grown up children.
The pain and embarrassment still gnaws away at me.

I'm so sorry for you.

stuckinatrap Tue 02-Mar-21 19:49:20


Mine got the prostitute pregnant! We were married for 24 years with grown up children.
The pain and embarrassment still gnaws away at me.

I'm so sorry for you.

Fuck no! I'm so sorry. What a horrendous situation. I hope you are much happier without the scumbag. thanks

nitsandwormsdodger Tue 02-Mar-21 19:49:38

Take an std test

TheQueef Tue 02-Mar-21 19:51:14

Wicked fucker.
Of course you will be all over flowers

Dontbeme Tue 02-Mar-21 19:52:08

This happened to me 15 years in, secret email account, prostitutes, web cams the lot. I was mortified to go to my gp and ask for a sti test, my partner was the only man I had ever been with. I broke down in the gp office and he was so kind, understanding and went over and above to just sit and listen. He organised for me to speak with the practice nurse too, an older woman who was just calm and kindness in human form. Short term I ended up on antidepressants, anti anxiety meds for a while and sleeping tablets, thankfully my sti test was clear. It's a few years on now and sometimes I do still have a wobble but I'm getting there and you will too OP. Be kind to yourself, get whatever help you need. I found in the immediate aftermath of discovery I was just exhausted, completely burnt out, so mind yourself physically too.

SplendidSuns1000 Tue 02-Mar-21 20:16:41

I'm so so sorry OP. None of this is your fault, this man is entirely at fault. It's okay that you miss him, this has been a big shock and your emotions will change a lot over the next few days, weeks and months.

You have to leave him, lovely. I know it doesn't seem easy but this man doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better than him. He's been lying to you for 13 years and now continues to lie to your face. You absolutely cannot stay with this man.

Book and sti check- I do believe you can get them through the post now if that would make you more comfortable? It's more reliable to get one done by a professional though. It's not scary, they're very understanding and they are also trained to give you advice if you'd like to speak to them.
Get your finances and support system in order. Do you have real life support- friends or family or even colleagues you can tell who can support you? You've nothing to be ashamed of so don't let that hold you back.

I hope everything turns out better for you, love.

ilikemethewayiam Tue 02-Mar-21 20:21:46

Another one here! Mine had been using prostitutes and had numerous OW’s on the go. 22 years together and Like you I was in total shock when I found out. I definitely suffered PTSD symptoms. I would have said he was my BFF but actually when the shock wore off and the reality sunk in I realised he was NOT and never was. He had been living a double life for 12 years if not, the whole relationship. Best friends don’t do that, they don’t sit across the table from them enjoying a lovingly cooked meal, making cosy chat whilst knowing how that person would feel if they knew. I’m so sorry OP but he is NOT your BFF and hasn’t been for a long time, if ever. He has looked you in the eye and lied with impunity. This wasn’t a one off, this was a way of life for him. He created a fictional world for you to live in, like the Truman show! It’s humiliating and is beyond contempt. I did try for the sake of my son but like other PP’s when he realised that He was busted and unable to continue his ‘other’ life he turned nasty (even telling me what he did in his own time was none of my business!). There was no going back. There was no ‘unknowing’ and could never be any intimacy ever again. I left, eventually bought my own place and 12 years on happily remarried. You can do it OP.

CherryDocsInYrBalls Tue 02-Mar-21 20:47:43

I feel like this is a romance scam. that's how I feel now years down the line, like I was conned into marriage as a convenient "family man cover" but he was into similar stuff, and you realise your whole relationship is a lie. It is devastating. I too tried THREE times, but by the end I was a shadow of my former self and all the feelings I had at the start were gone. He promised a lot of changes and delivered none of them. they panic and go into survival mode and promise you all sorts, but it is all part of their scam, because otherwise people might find out who they really are and how they really see women. they don't change. They are liars and scammers and you will come through this and be a great mum and enjoy life again and feel hope for a relationship based on respect and love. Good luck

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