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I've just found his secret email account

(135 Posts)
Chopbob Mon 01-Mar-21 23:27:37

This morning I was a very happily married mum of 2 small DC. Now I feel like my life has been ruined but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not.

I logged on my ds laptop this morning for home school and realised it was in incognito mode. Then I realised the internet had been left open. It was porn site where my "dh" has apparently been messaging other women for 8 years. He has sent loads of explicit pictures and has also received lots too. Some women he has been speaking to for months.

I have confronted him this evening- he denies he has ever met anyone irl but he did agree to give me the login details so I can see for myself.

Upon further delving, I found a secret email address which I have guessed the password for. He has been emailing prostitutes for prices are what services they provide. I'm absolutely broken. This has been going on since 2008.

He obviously denies ever meeting them, he was just curious. I know this is a lie.

I'm just hurting so much. He was my best friend. We have been together since childhood. I feel like our whole life is a lie.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I have 2 small dc and I'm left with the option of separation and being alone and a single mum, or continuing to live with a liar.

The worst part is I actually really miss him. I realise how pathetic this is.

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Itstimetoquit Mon 01-Mar-21 23:35:48

Sorry this is happening op,please take steps to leave him,and I know it's hard as you say hes your Best friend,soul mate ECT...but he's lied the trust is gone...and being incognito just proves he knew what he was doing (trying to hide it) if he hasn't met with prostitutes why would he want to know the price ! Sending hugs x

cataclysmiclife Mon 01-Mar-21 23:40:02

I'm so sorry to hear this. The exact same thing happened to me in June last year although I found it on a phone.

Take some time to think things through and as difficult as it may seem, have a open and frank conversation when you are ready.

For me the trust and respect were gone. I couldn't tolerate it and we are now separated. It is really hard at times but I'm happier now.

thanks

SirVixofVixHall Mon 01-Mar-21 23:42:55

No helpful advice but just to say how sorry I am. What a shitty position he has put you in, with little children, lying and lying again.
It sounds as though you are in shock and I am not surprised. That will wear off and you will be very angry.
I don’t think many marriages could survive this. I know I could not go on , partly because a man who pays to use a woman in this way, deep down has no respect for women and sees them as something for him, like toys, something he can use. I could not respect a man who did this and without that all the love would be gone. Nor could I bring up children of either sex with a man who treated women like this.
Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in ? A sister ?

Onthedunes Mon 01-Mar-21 23:46:01

I'm so sorry op.
This must be devastating. He still will not come clean then?

It is entirely understandable if you wish to file for divorce. 2008 is a long time to lie and the lies probably pre date that.

I don't know what to say other than get a health check done and see a solicitor.

What a lying piece of shit, you don't deserve this.
flowers

ThatsAllFolks Mon 01-Mar-21 23:46:04

U got to leave, honey. Show your children how a partner should be treated. Yes, it's hard. But u r grieving for something that is not real. Ur partner does not respect u ( or love u) he is sorry He was caught. Bet he wasn't planning on that secret email coming out ! I lived with shit n lies n justifications for the sake of the kids for years. The knowledge that he is gone is most satisfying. As is the knowledge that my house is mine. You don't need or deserve this. Be strong

NewspaperTaxis Mon 01-Mar-21 23:46:48

Did you get screen grabs and email them to your own account? Otherwise I'm not sure you could prove this at a later date if you need to, as that password may be changed.
I thought people only guessed passwords in unlikely cop dramas.

Cheeeeislifenow Mon 01-Mar-21 23:46:59

Ugh op what a scumbag. I know you say he is your best friend etc but he has been doing this to you for eight years. He is a liar. Get all of your financial issues in order. I'm normally not one for saying LTB but honestly what he has been doing is perverse, especially the prostitutes. Not to be too blunt but I would be getting myself sti tested. Sorry op he is an utter shit.

bluedomino Mon 01-Mar-21 23:48:21

I'm so sorry, you must be in shock. Do you have a RL friend to confide in? Someone who knows him and can judge whether he is telling you the truth? If he's been emailing prostitutes since 2008, can you see if he's set up meetings and whether money has gone out about the same time? I'm sorry I don't know what else to do but I didn't want you to be alone. You deserve better.

chocoholic2021 Mon 01-Mar-21 23:50:34

So sorry this has happened op. Please arrange to get a sexual health screening carried out.

2021isalsorubbish Mon 01-Mar-21 23:55:02

Take lots of pictures / screen shots - you might need them as proof in the future. Sorry OP, what a horrible situation

lemonsaretheonlyfruit Mon 01-Mar-21 23:56:13

Op as others have said I'm sorry for the position you find yourself in through no fault of your own. Don't think that anything you are feeling or thinking is ridiculous and more importantly please don't take or feel any blame for this.
Lots of women (people but I guess we hear more about the women on mumsnet) find themselves in this position when they shouldn't.
I'm always open on here to find a way through things If a partner has made a one off mistake, obviously feels terrible, admits it themselves rather than being caught and is open to doing whatever it takes to rebuild the trust.
However as you acknowledge. This isn't a one off, you found out and the nature of what he has been doing is unforgivable in my view.
I just don't know if you can come back from this.I know you have DCs but..
play it forward ten years and imagine there is still a lingering resentment or tension between you that the DC have felt all of their years. Whilst splitting up is far from ideal.. having done it when the DC were v young I would say in the long run it will be better than them being exposed to a relationship where there is no trust or mutual respect.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Notanotherfreak Mon 01-Mar-21 23:57:40

So sorry OP! Unfortunately I found out my ex partner saw escorts on work trips. It was the lies and manipulation of my trust that hurt more than anything. And that he had so little respect for women whilst pretending he was one of the good ones. I tried to carry on and compartmentalise it but I couldn’t because I realised men like this are callous, devious and selfish to the extent that they will do anything to get what they want and I couldn’t grow old with someone like that as he’d never have my back.

partyatthepalace Tue 02-Mar-21 00:40:23

OP I am so sorry, what a terrible thing to have happened.

It would be tough for a marriage to survive this, given the length of time. To give you a bit of space to get your head together, could he go stay somewhere for a couple days - hotels are open for key workers, so he could do that. In the meantime take copies of the emails and messages ASAP so he doesn’t delete them all.

You may decide you want to try counselling to keep things together, but I would organise a consultation with a solicitor in the next week, so you get a sense of your options. No need to mention this to him right away - you don’t want him clearing money out of accounts etc.

Can you mum or sister help with a bit of childcare so you get a break? You don’t need to give them the details, but this does constitute an emergency. Finally is there someone you can confide in in real life? Get as much support as you can.

FifteenToes Tue 02-Mar-21 00:59:20

Sorry if I've misunderstood something here, but:

Your dh left his porn sites open on your DS's laptop???

How old is your DS? Apart from the marriage question - which, yes, is obviously over - isn't there a whole over level of child protection issue here?

RantyAnty Tue 02-Mar-21 01:17:36

It might be possible to forgive a one off drunken shag but prostitutes etc. for 8 years!

More vile he was doing this on his DC laptop!

I doubt he'd be forgiving if you had done this to him for 8 years.

Imelda03 Tue 02-Mar-21 01:21:17

FifteenToes

Sorry if I've misunderstood something here, but:

Your dh left his porn sites open on your DS's laptop???

How old is your DS? Apart from the marriage question - which, yes, is obviously over - isn't there a whole over level of child protection issue here?

This^!!! Not only had he been dishonest and behaving the way he has it he risked your child seeing the site he was on. To even use your child laptop to hide this from you is in itself really worrying and devious.

8 years of conversations and messages with lord knows who and viewing porn.

You can do so much better and deserve so much better xx I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 02-Mar-21 01:21:29

I'm so sorry, op. I can't even imagine how horrific this is for you.

Hawkins001 Tue 02-Mar-21 02:10:50

All the best op, it seems, sometimes we never truly know our other half at times.

Dataoverloaded Tue 02-Mar-21 02:17:32

Hi, I've created an account especially to post this. I've been in your exact shoes. Found a secret email account when I had 2 small children which eventually led to the discovery of prostitute sites being used. It felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath me. My therapist later told me it was a form of PTSD.

Off course, he denied it all - it was all fantasy, he would never cheat, he felt so bad he wanted to kill himself etc. The whole script. I was a SAHM and I knew things didn't add up but I also wanted to desperately believe him. I was scared to leave. So I stayed....for many miserable years.

The trust was gone and the relationship could never recover. He was a textbook narcissist and the remorse turned to verbal abuse and gaslighting - it was all in my crazy paranoid head. I would discover firm proof years later. Eventually I saw the effect this was having on me and my children and I left.

It was the best decision I have ever made and I've not regretted it once. What is missing from my life is not him. It is the arguing, the feeling of being undervalued, the paranoia, the not knowing. Once that toxicity left my life, I found myself again and I am the fittest and happiest that I've ever been. Yes, it's tough being a single mom at times but I take this life over being lonely in a marriage any day of the week.

So my advice to you is leave now. He will never change - it is an addiction and he will always go back to it. You'll spend the rest of your days wondering if he already has or when it will happen. Ask yourself what you would advise yourself in this situation. I know it's incredibly hard for you right now and you must must talk to people. Don't let him guilt trip you into silence. My heart goes out to you but I'm on the other side and it can work out. Good luck.

Dataoverloaded Tue 02-Mar-21 02:20:02

Ps please also get an STI check. I also learnt that from bitter experience

AgentJohnson Tue 02-Mar-21 05:22:30

It’s going to be hard but the price for staying is always being on the back foot. He’ll get bored of acting remorseful and you will be expected to forgive and forget pdq. The current transparency will slowly revert back to being covert and the worst part, you will both know that he’s lying.

If you stay, this lying scummy man is the man you will choosing to stay with. The man he pretended to be and you desperately want him to be, left years ago, he just neglected to tell you.

Chopbob Tue 02-Mar-21 07:19:19

I know that you're all right, it's just so hard! He has gone to stay with his Dm for now so I have some time to decide what I want to do.

I agree it's totally unacceptable and unforgivable that he used ds laptop- ds is 6 for those asking.

I have told my dm and df and they are just devastated. They treated him like a son.

This is such a mess.

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Chopbob Tue 02-Mar-21 07:20:48

I know I need to get booked for an STD check too, I will me mortified.

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Chopbob Tue 02-Mar-21 07:24:38

I also took screen shots of everything. I have forwarded all of the emails to myself so I have all of the proof

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