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Husband has announced hes not happy and moving out for 6 months

(165 Posts)
Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 07:45:42

Hi

We got married 4.5 years ago, second for me, first for him. I am 60 and he is 52. We were very happy, live in a beautiful part of the country with some land, animals. He works full time as a roofer, i lost my part time job in the first lockdown. Since the 2nd lockdown we have argued a bit, i have put this down to the long winter with nothing much to do - he likes to keep busy, making things and riding his motorbike. On friday he looked really fed up after work so i asked him what was wrong, he said nothing but it was obvious he wasnt happy so i asked again. He snapped my head off, said im ffing knackered and all you do is pick pick pick. I tried to say i was just concerned but he just said go away, i dont want to talk to you. This is how arguments always go and then he sulks.

The next morning I had to take older dog to the vets, he has kennel cough. When i got home he went out on his bike, woudnt speak to me. Later in the evening i said can we sort this out. Thats when he said, im not happy and im going to rent somewhere for 6 months and then well see if we want to be together. I think im in shock but cant see how this would work? He says we could still meet up, would i want to? I have told my sons who were great but they live in sussex, i have no other family nearby and my mum died suddenly in november 2019. I feel very sad and alone, all advice welcome and thanks for reading smile

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CatsNotDogs Sun 28-Feb-21 07:49:34

Let him have a bit of space if that's what he needs but make it clear you won't tolerate hanging around forever. At some point you're either together properly or if that isn't good enough tell him fuck off.

Also be prepared - 99% of replies will be ramming another woman down your throat x

DinosaurDiana Sun 28-Feb-21 07:49:53

He might want some time alone, or he might have a lady/man in mind.
If he goes then you need to decide what you want to do.
Can you buy him out of your home or would you have to sell, how would you pay for things etc.

Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:00:57

Thank you, i was cheated on by my first husband so im pretty confident there is no other woman. His phone is left on the kitchen table always, i know stuff can be deleted though. Im more worried that hed see someone when we are apart, i couldnt get back with him in that case. Also i have no income which im trying not to think about, although i do have a small inheritance which was to be our pension.

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Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:05:27

I couldnt buy him out. My sons have said they will help me financially as they also received money when my mum died. If it came to that i could move nearer them although i love it here, DH said he does too yesterday and would rent nearby

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Sillysandy Sun 28-Feb-21 08:10:44

Hi OP,

Sorry to read this. He sounds at best like he's an immature selfish idiot, at worst he sounds like a cheater who is going to trial something else.

Regardless you have to put yourself first here. If he wants to go, let him go. You will be ok. Your home sounds lovely. I know your sons are far away but that is just physical distance. They are still with you. Hopefully the world will be opening up some more soon. Focus on yourself and what you like to do and spend your time.

Try not to obsess about him - there is nothing you can do about how he spends his time. Set yourself a certain period each day where you think about things (maybe one hour), then you don't spend the rest of the day caught up with it, the thoughts will come and you will say "right that's something to figure out this evening".

Accept what you can't control (he wants to leave) and focus on what you can (yourself). Do not tell him you will be waiting in the wings (and don't be), just tell him he is free to go. It's his loss.

I'm so sorry about your mum. I heard something very comforting to me when I was in hospital and talking about my grief. The lady said to picture my dad sailing away on a boat, picture me waving to him, he's looking back at me then just before he disappears over the horizon I see him turn to face the direction he's heading - he has spotted his loved ones waiting for him on the other side. I thought it was a lovely image.

I think your husband sounds like a sulky spoilt brat by the way and you are way too good for him.

gutful Sun 28-Feb-21 08:12:26

Has this come out of nowhere? Do you think he has reason to feel hen pecked?

There may be no OW but with a planned 6 months separation it stands to reason that he may be wanting to check out his options during this time.

why was your inheritance to be “our” pension ? Where is his pension? Does he not have superannuation from working?

I don’t think your inheritance should be used to fund your 2nd husband’s pension ! Even if you sort this out something about that arrangement sounds iffy to me - that ultimately you stand to lose.

Keep your inheritance for when YOU need it - at time such as this.

Am pretty sure whoever gifted you this inheritance wasn’t thinking it would be used to pay for some random bloke’s poor life decisions & lack of planning for later in life.

WizardOfAus Sun 28-Feb-21 08:22:46

Here’s another thread where the husband suddenly announced he was leaving for six months. You can probably guess what he was doing in that time....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4153806-Please-hold-my-hand-a-bit-longer-thread-2?pg=1

I would let him go, OP. Don’t beg him to stay. He thinks he’s found something better.

Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:24:02

@Sillysandy
Your reply has made me cry, thanks for such kind words
@gutful your repl y made me laugh! My mum disliked him and no wouldnt want him to see any o f her money. When i said our pension it would top up our small private and state pensions.

As for being henpecked, he says when we argue I keep on. In my defense i hate arguments and try to sort it out there and then so this is what he calls picking. Im a flash in rhe pan type, then its over. He sulks and ignores me which i hate.

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Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:26:25

@WizardOfAus
I will let him go, as i said to the boys, i cant stop him. I think continuing to see each other will be like picking a scab

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Mundayblues Sun 28-Feb-21 08:26:56

If he needs space, let him have it, personally I’d put a time limit on it, for him but also for yourself, ‘if a decision hasn’t been made in 1 month, it will be made for you’. He needs to know that you won’t be waiting around and available forever, and you need to not be waiting around either! Has he ever gone cold like this before?

AnotherEmma Sun 28-Feb-21 08:28:21

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

He sounds awful and my advice is to seek legal advice on ending the marriage.

Rights of Women (website and helpline) is a good place to start. The Advicenow website has useful guides too.

Are you looking for work?

How much do you have in savings, is it more or less than £16k?

Theunamedcat Sun 28-Feb-21 08:30:13

Break for 6 months ok but is it a total break? As in ok to see other people? Uou need to ask that question

If the answer was yes I wouldn't personally tolerate it and I would say no we split for good if its a no I would give him a chance

Outbutnotoutout Sun 28-Feb-21 08:31:33

Sadsomerset

*@WizardOfAus*
I will let him go, as i said to the boys, i cant stop him. I think continuing to see each other will be like picking a scab

Let him go and have his space, but make it clear you are to remain faithful during this time apart as you are still married.

See what his response is!

LApprentiSorcier Sun 28-Feb-21 08:31:49

Going against the grain rather, I wouldn't tolerate being put on hold like this, while in all probability he is checking out other options. I think you should tell him that if he moves out, it's over.

He wants to dangle you on a string as an exercise of power. Have none of it.

gutful Sun 28-Feb-21 08:31:49

Is he sulking & giving silent treatment or is he having space to breathe & cool down?

I agree sulking & silent treatment is not on. However many people also prefer to take some space, cool down & gather their thoughts before talking calmly.

Your aversion to arguments & wanting things sorted then & there does not trump someone who prefers to deescalate & remove them self from the situation to gather their thoughts.

You still have the attitude that your inheritance is to be shared by you & am confused as to why it’s you who was to be financially funding this.

It goes to show it’s better to keep it for yourself than give it to a new partner. Or gift it to your children. But keep it on your side of the family.

Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:33:45

@Mundayblues
Its not ok to see other people as far as im concerned. That would be the end and yes i think 6 months is too long

OP’s posts: |
Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:36:23

@AnotherEmma
I would like to work, my age seems to be a barrier atm. If the pub in our village opens in may i can work there.

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LApprentiSorcier Sun 28-Feb-21 08:41:20

Sadsomerset

*@Mundayblues*
Its not ok to see other people as far as im concerned. That would be the end and yes i think 6 months is too long

If he moves out for six months you'll have no way of knowing whether he's seeing other people or not.

'A bit of space' should extend to a couple of weeks maximum.

I'd put money on his plan being to present himself as a single man so he can see what's out there, and if it's more appealing than what he already has.

DinosaurDiana Sun 28-Feb-21 08:41:57

Could he be worrying about money ?
You say that you have land and animals, and that you’re not working now, so could it be that ?
He is very likely to be awarded 50% of your inheritance if you divorce. You need to really think about how you are going to keep yourself and your animals if it happens.
Would he consider couples counselling ?
If you step out of the situation and look in on it, do you think you might ‘pick’ at him a bit ?

Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:42:16

My sons have suggested that if needs be we all put our inheritance into a property for me to live in smileplus my half of the house. There is no mortgage. My mum left me over £16k, i feel i would be wasting it if i use it for living expenses if he leaves. In DH's defence, he earns good money and has put a lot into our joint savings account. I have my own as well

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mamas12 Sun 28-Feb-21 08:44:18

Hmm yes I would also say if he goes it’s over too, why should you be left dangling?
Six month is a ridiculous amount time you are not a corporation to have a sabbatical from you are his wife
If you think a small amount of time will be useful for you both the tell him If he’s not back fully on board in a week or a fortnight whichever you can tolerate then it’s over

Sadsomerset Sun 28-Feb-21 08:44:58

@DinosaurDiana
Now that he has explained what he sees picking as, yes i think i do. To me its trying to resolve the argument but he sees it differently. Im sorry for that as i do love him

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Courtney555 Sun 28-Feb-21 08:45:01

No one moves out for half a year to collect their thoughts and see "where we are then."

Sorry but they don't. He's planning on this being permanent, and has thrown that "let's see what happens in 6 months" in so he can keep you hanging there as a safety option, should he discover the grass isn't greener.

He hasn't necessarily met someone else. On balance he most likely has. If he leaves, that's it. You're not some feckless option who sits loyally watching the door for 6 months, while he decides which woman is more worthy to him. How dare he. If there is another woman, jeez she's welcome to him. If he leaves, you've won already flowers

OhioOhioOhio Sun 28-Feb-21 08:46:45

Honestly I was as patient as possible with my xh and wouldn't ever offer that again. He's showing you where you are on his agenda. I would stay quiet now but behind the scenes I'd be tying up all the necessary details and getting my divorce in line. The way he's punishing you for having the odd argument is training you to keep your mouth shut. On another thread about advice it says that they don't feel guilty for long so get all the assets split whilst they do.

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