should i stay or go 20 year marriage

[MadgeMidgerson]

i have been married to my husband for 20 years. we have not been intimate for the last ten. he is not interested, and after he stoping taking care of his hygiene neither was i.

we have moved to my country a year ago. he has struggled to find work and i am the breadwinner. he earns a decent salary now but will only contribute money for groceries. this means 3/4 of his monthly salary goes on ??????

he does minimal stuff around the house, and only when asked.

pros: he is not a terrible person, does not abuse me and the children love him and would be devastated. they are 11 and 13.

he knows i am unhappy and i have talked about my feelings but he says everything is fine and we are great together. this makes me feel like i am crazy.

if i had no children i would go, in a heartbeat but i keep thinking it is a small sacrifice for me to stay and let them continue to have him in their lives.

besides if i kicked him out i am sure if only end up financing his life, and doing everything here at home, only completely alone.

every day i think i can’t bear this any longer and then i think so many others have it worse, and i should just get on with it.

thank you for reading, any advice is helpful and very much appreciated.

[Howshouldibehave]

besides if i kicked him out i am sure if only end up financing his life

Why? He earns a decent salary, you said?

[Sakurami]

The problem is that you are not only super unhappy and missing out on finding someone who makes you happy, who you have romance and sex with, but you're also setting a really bad example to your children as to what a relationship should be like.

My parents adore each other. It is lovely to witness and it has taught me that I want that type of relationship or none at all.

[MadgeMidgerson]

i earn much more than he does. he will need a place that the children can stay over in, so three bedrooms. his salary will not cover all that and expenses etc. i will have to subsidize him for life.

i already am, he has rent and car and bills and all other living expenses paid for, he just needs to spend some money on groceries and that’s it, he’s done.

this really bugs me as when we lived in the uk and my salary was half of his i bought groceries, paid for childcare, contributed to mortgage etc.

maybe what i need is some way of just accepting this is my life, and to learn to not resent it, maybe even be grateful?

i don’t know how to do that and i feel awful

[MadgeMidgerson]

@sakurami i am 45 and i have come to expect that part of my life is done.

i am too old to find someone new.

it is a bitter thing, if i had known at 30 whatever old i was the last time i was kissed passionately that this was it...

it is a mercy i did not i guess.

we do not fight and get along ok

[Sakurami]

Why the hell do you have to accept it? Maris to a man who won't sleep with you or wash himself or properly contribute financially and practically to his family.

Not being abusive is not a reason to stay with someone. Your kids will still be able to see their father. It's not like you're taking them away from him.

[Sakurami]

Oh really? Because I split up with my ex at 46 and I'm on my 3rd relationship and he is absolutely perfect. We have passion, spend all night talking, have similar interests. I've had and am having so much fun since I split up with my ex. My kids spend time with their father and me and I spend time with my boyfriend, my friends (when not in quarantine) , my work, exercise etc. We are all so much happier.

[MadgeMidgerson]

but i would be destroying their home. i keep thinking of my son who absolutely adores his father, he will never forgive me.

how can i do that to them? they don’t deserve to suffer and i have put up with it for so long, i can hardly complain now. and yet it has become unbearable this past year of lockdown! i have felt like i have come out of anaesthesia and i. an feel everything and the whole situation makes me sad and cross and just awful

[KarmaNoMore]

I came here to say that if you ask in Mumsnet whether you should leave you will always get a “yes”.

But I really don’t know how you have lived like that for ten years, but I understand about feeling the need to continue paying for him after he leaves. Doing that follows the same pattern as victims of domestic abuse: you are soooo used to deal with every kind of rubbish coming from him that you cannot step out of it even if it hurts you.

[MadgeMidgerson]

really?

i put on a lot of weight over the last 6 years i think as a reason to not be touched, like i am fat and unattractive so of course he doesn’t fancy me (yes i know this is stupid)

i have lost all the weight over the past year and am now the same as i was when i was in my twenties, my friends say i look amazing so it isn’t my body that is the repellent i guess, just me

[Fairydustrust]

Op. Give him a clear picture of what you want from him. Be firm. How you expect him to tidy himself up and how much he has to contribute financially. Starting now. You might find if he gets his pride back, you will both be happier. If not, you have given him a chance and you can decide maybe it's better to divorce. Good luck.

[KarmaNoMore]

You won’t be destroying their home, he did. And believe me, do you want your children to keep modelling their idea of what a “good” relationship is meant to be so they can go and pursue a similar marriage? Because that’s what you are doing by staying in an unhappy relationship.

It is not that bad once you are out, the difficult thing is to take the decision to leave. The children will survive but the longer that you leave it, the more difficult the situation becomes for your kids.

[Gringlewald]

I adore both my parents and am very close to both of them. Their split when I was 11 was surprisingly easy to cope with, especially given the noticeable difference in them both for the better after an initial period of adjustment for us all. Even at that age I could see that they hadn’t been happy and with hindsight, it probably wouldn’t have been a bad thing if they’d split sooner. Don’t underestimate your children or assume how they will react. They may well be shocked at first but speaking from experience things can be so much better for all concerned in the medium to long term, once the dust settles. Don’t torture yourself any longer.

[MadgeMidgerson]

i have asked him to sort himself out. i have told him i am unhappy. i have asked him to contribute financially. he was a few months at this job before i managed to get him to pay for groceries! i have tried!

and i am angry tbh that it is my job to fix everything. it’s like being in a kind of hell. he is happy as larry so why do anything differently?

[KarmaNoMore]

I agree with Sakurami, we both flourished as soon as were out. I am much happier, he is happier and DS is also happier not exposed to the toxicity of living with parents that are fed up of each other.

[MadgeMidgerson]

thank you everyone who is replying i really appreciate this.

i just feel like it’s not like he hits me or anything so it isn’t bad enough to walk away from. like it could be so much worse, so i should just deal with it. i can’t stand that feeling

[KarmaNoMore]

That’s the thing, he is as used to you sorting everything he doesn’t believe you would “let him down”. He is not going to change, it is too late for that.

[KarmaNoMore]

If you think the only justification to leave a bad marriage is violence you need to give your head a wobble... or give it a couple of years because the nastiness and violence then to show up when people are years past the time when they should have split.

It is better to leave on time and in good terms than waiting until you start throwing things at each other.

[MadgeMidgerson]

i think he does love me in his way and it isn’t his fault it apparently isn’t enough for me. he has said as much, that i’ll never be satisfied.

[Eekay]

You don't have to accept a miserable marriage just because he doesn't hit you. You are allowed to set your bar much higher than that.
So he doesn't hit you, but he also doesn't respect you or make you feel loved. He doesn't take his share of the financial responsibility. He doesn't even keep himself fucking clean. I mean, come on!
You honestly don't have to sacrifice your life for the children. If you want to get out of this marriage, you can.
If a divorce is handled carefully, putting the children's needs front and centre, it really, really doesn't have to fuck them up. And honestly, you hopefully have decades ahead of you. Don't spend them like this.

[MadgeMidgerson]

honestly when i think i have decades left of my life i wish i were dead.

obvs i will not harm myself my children need me, but i think about how good it would be to not exist.

is it really forgivable to be selfish and put myself first?

i started seeing a psychotherapist last week to help me sort through this but she said if i want she can help me come to terms with things and learn to find joy elsewhere while staying. i have no idea how this is possible, i mostly get by through not thinking and that’s why lockdown is hard: i have so much goddamned time to thinj

[Sakurami]

It's pretty unanimous - leave this shit relationship. Sexless, loveless, wish you were dead, dreading the future. What kind of life is that and what kind of example are you setting your kids?

Being alone is far better than being in an unhappy relationship. And being single gives you a much higher chance of finding someone good.

Noone can say you haven't given it a good go. You've spent 10 years and nothing has changed. Carry on and waste even more years but you'll only have yourself to blame.

[MadgeMidgerson]

thank you all again. i will try and talk this out with my therapist on monday. i wish i could feel certain either way about what the right thing is to do.

it’s funny, if a friend were saying this to me i would say as much as you all have. if it were my daughter, i’d drive through a wall to rescue her.

i don’t know why i can’t save myself

[Nogardenersworld]

Op I think in your position I wouldn’t stay, it’s been so long and it doesn’t sound like he wants to work with you to fix it.
If you’re not sure though perhaps you can write down a plan of how to improve things, then if needed you can walk away knowing you tried your best.

So you want to have intimacy, what is a realistic expectation of that, why may you not be achieving it now, and what does DH want? Also why do you want it? Can you explain to DH how you feel without it.

You want DH to contribute a fair amount to finances - what do you consider that to be. Why do you want that, how do you feel without it.

And so on

Then you can communicate with him, some very clear expectations.
If he is not willing to negotiate then you can leave knowing you’ve tried to give your marriage a fair chance.

If he is telling you everything is fine, when you haven’t been intimate in 10 years and you are telling him you are unhappy, he is either wilfully ignorant or selfishly happy with the plan.

DS will forgive you, perhaps he will be annoyed at first but as he gets used to it and matures he will understand. Also you do not owe your children two perfect parents that are still together, you owe them the best possible version of you that you can offer them,
this isn’t it.

Not only that but every day you stay there you teach DS how to treat his future wife. And DD how she can expect to be treated.

[MadgeMidgerson]

maybe it’s just the start of menopause? i am the right age i guess and maybe that’s why i am unhappy? maybe if i take HRT or antidepressants i will cope better?

[KarmaNoMore]

What? You have a husband that for a long time has been ignoring you, who is a freeloader and cannot even keep himself clean but... you think it may be the start of the menopause? You need to be way nicer to yourself. 💐

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