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How can he compartmentalise his life so easily?

(198 Posts)
Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 20:32:46

My DH is having an EA but is planning on meeting up with her next week, when I then presume it will become physical. He doesn't know that I know but I saw the messages on his phone today. I have to say, it seems he is pursuing her more than her him, with phone calls and messages. Lots of love yous and hearts (I never get any of this attention) nothing is reciprocated but she is asking about him visiting etc. She's a childhood friend living near his parents. I know he plans to claim visiting them for work, but stay with her. But today we have had a very normal family day, normal family evening with lots of talk about plans for summer holidays. I'm biting my tongue because I know that when he announces he's going to stay away this week, I will be telling him to pack a bigger bag as he's not coming back. I photographed the messages, so he can't delete and deny. But where do I go from here? I don't think he plans to leave me for her I think he has had his head turned and fancies a little extra and then thinks he'll come home like nothing has happened. Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this.

OP’s posts: |
Pandapop101 Sat 27-Feb-21 20:42:27

Sorry this is happening, how has your marriage been recently?

Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 20:51:37

It's been very basic for a while. I've felt we have moved into the house mates roles. He had no work for about 5 months, which put pressure on us both but is now working 12 hour days, so we only have about 1 hour a day together in the evening before he heads to bed.

OP’s posts: |
Justtryingtobehelpful Sat 27-Feb-21 20:56:38

Should you not take the week to get your documents together etc.? Otherwise you might end up in difficult conversations all day.
That's such a horrible situation to be in! So insulting!

JeezusHChrist Sat 27-Feb-21 20:57:02

Leave him to it and build a new life for yourself ( and any DC's ).

Hang around and wait for him to tell you he is going away, or, take the initiative and write yr own narrative.

Ilikewinter Sat 27-Feb-21 20:57:39

Oh wow your doing very well to keep your cool over this, im not sure would be able to!.
He is going to be utterly shocked when he finds out you know - like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

doitwithlove Sat 27-Feb-21 21:04:46

Get all your documents sorted asap before he goes.

He may of course back track, decide to stay once he knows you are aware of what he is up to.

From reading your original posts the marriage is over, think ahead to what you will do if he decides not to go.

Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 21:05:28

He's on the phone to his mum now. I predict he's going to come down and announce he's going to go and see her next week. That's when I will kick off. I've got to let him make the first move otherwise I know he'll deny it all.

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Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin Sat 27-Feb-21 21:06:55

Oh god OP my ex had arranged to meet up with a girl years ago when l was due to be away forna few nights- felt sick to my stomach when l realised and he didn't know l knew. I sat on it for a couple of days and the look on his face when l confronted him is a look l will never forget and l am just glad he didn't insult my intelligence even more by denying it .
So sorry for you, as pp have said get your finances etc in order and stay strong x

Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 21:08:56

The OW is a family friend, like a daughter to his parents. She would be able to be at their house for dinner and they won't see any of it. She's been there before when I've not. She invites herself over and has acclaimed herself our DC godmother.

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NovemberR Sat 27-Feb-21 21:09:24

I'm sorry to hear this, and admired the way you phrased your last sentence! Also admire your cool head and calm attitude.

I think men are generally good at compartmentalising life and don't over-think things. They can switch off from work once they get home - rather than spend all evening worrying if Barry did actually blank them at the photocopier, etc.

Agree with others that you should get any financial/pension info that you may need before telling him. It would certainly be over for me.

Silly fool. (Him)

Footfaffing Sat 27-Feb-21 21:10:01

How old are your children @Savvyblonde? Will they be asleep when you confront him? Will you be able to keep calm enough to avoid waking them? My heart goes out to you.

NovemberR Sat 27-Feb-21 21:10:38

Sorry - cross posted. The sentence I admired was Meanwhile, I've got other thoughts on this

fearfulexchange Sat 27-Feb-21 21:15:04

I am in complete admiration of you.

SplendidSuns1000 Sat 27-Feb-21 21:16:08

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Do you have a plan of how to manage when he goes regarding finances, childcare, living situation etc? It would be great if you have a general plan so you can really catch him out. Not just to spite him but to make sure you come out of this better in every damn way.
Do you have real life support or someone you can tell now to support you through this waiting time? Are you safe?

I really hope you're okay, we're here if you need advice or you want us to slag him off grin

TheLaughingGenome Sat 27-Feb-21 21:16:59

She invites herself over and has acclaimed herself our DC godmother.

I don't even understand this. A person can't just identify as a godparent, whether you already have godparents or not, whether you are in a church or not.

Are your husband and his parents already going along with this oddness? It's insulting in every which way.

WhySoSensitive Sat 27-Feb-21 21:26:39

If he announces he’s going to stay with his DM I can only hope you reply with ‘oh you’re not staying with the OW like your messages say? Shame that, she was really looking forward to it’

Seriously though - Sorry you’re going through this OP.

Imelda03 Sat 27-Feb-21 21:29:08

I’m so sorry that this is happening. I think you are doing the right thing.

Please make sure you are safe though as you never know how someone will react when called out and boxed in. Make sure you have your finances and other things in place.

I admire how strong you are and I know this thread will give others in a similar position strength x

autumnalrain Sat 27-Feb-21 21:30:24

You’re my type of woman!

Do you think the OW will still be in his parent’s good books after this?

NotSeenBulling Sat 27-Feb-21 21:32:18

What a turd he is. You sound together. Keep it that way.

Loopyloututu2 Sat 27-Feb-21 21:34:31

How awful OP - you sound like you’re handling it very well. Have you always suspected there’s more to their relationship? It sounds like a very strange situation (her going and having dinner with him and his dp’s when you’re not there etc)

Mysonisnottheoddoneout Sat 27-Feb-21 21:37:12

you are bloody fab!

Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 21:50:25

I actually called him out with this woman about 2 years ago after she came to visit and was very flirty. He denied anything and everything went quite for a while. We live about 2 hours away from them, so anything would have to be arranged and that helped calm me as I knew it couldn't be physical. But every time I think of him visiting his parents I know she's there. I know they've had dinner together but he described the evening. She basically got very drunk and tarted around the restaurant with the waiters. He had to carry her home and then went home to his parents. Other times, I have phoned and she's at his parents house having dinner or our DC's have been there too so he couldn't do anything. But this time he's talking about staying with parents for 1 night and hers for 2. He hasn't processed the logistics of me phoning his parents landline and him not being there. But I also wonder if it's a bit of a school boy crush and although she likes the flirting, she's not that interested in anything else.

OP’s posts: |
Savvyblonde Sat 27-Feb-21 21:54:06

I have known this woman for 20 years myself and DH have been together but she has always had a boyfriend. She split with the last one about 4 years ago and since then she has focused on my DH and he's fallen for her flirting.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 27-Feb-21 21:57:43

I'd be sending those text messages to his parents, as well. What a prick.

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