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Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

(627 Posts)
toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:36:53

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP’s posts: |
FoffeeCoffee Thu 25-Feb-21 11:38:28

I don't think the courts will see 45 mins as a problem. It's not an unreasonable amount of time to travel. Many people do this daily as a commute.

toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:42:07

But it means he will only be able to see them EOW and one night a week. Aren’t decisions meant to be based on what’s in the best interests of the kids? She doesn’t even have majority care currently

OP’s posts: |
Choice4567 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:42:17

I’m afraid that sounds a reasonable thing to do, and EOW and one night is pretty standard

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 25-Feb-21 11:45:23


I’m afraid that sounds a reasonable thing to do, and EOW and one night is pretty standard

So? That’s not what they’ve agreed to so far. Both parents and the DC have been happy with 50/50.

OP I doubt he can do anything about it but she’s being incredibly selfish. Decisions on schools should be made by both parents equally, she shouldn’t be prioritising her boyfriend of less than two years over her DC relationship with their dad, their grandparents, their schools and friends.

bombastical Thu 25-Feb-21 11:45:49

I’m saying this as kindly as possible. Get over it. Legal advice? Are you serious? 45 minutes?!!! Most people I know (before Covid) commutes longer than that for work twice a day! People working in London (thousands of them) have longed train journeys every day. I’m afraid this is a non issue and the courts are going to laugh in his face. She’s entitled to a life and it’s not down to your BF to dictate where she lives as long as she’s not moving abroad. If she was trying to take them abroad then he’d have grounds for further action. Other than that. Meh. Non issue.

toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:45:50

Really? That’s pants ... why should he only get EOW and one night though? Why is that standard? He currently has them every other night

OP’s posts: |
zafferana Thu 25-Feb-21 11:46:07

Get legal advice OP, even if it costs you. Yes, EOW and one night is pretty standard, but to go from 50/50 to that just because she wants to move in with her new bf is not reasonable. If he wants to continue with 50/50 he should fight for it and these days it's pretty standard to that to be the arrangement while DC are young. As he's had 50/50 up to now I'd say he's got a good case.

LabbyNoona Thu 25-Feb-21 11:46:40

Sorry so how far away will your house be away from where she’s moving to? 45 mins or 1 hour 30 mins?

toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:47:26

Wow I’m shocked at the responses so far. What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?

OP’s posts: |
toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:49:54

My house and his work would be about 1 hour 15 from the new place. For what it’s worth I am encouraging him not to move closer to me and job because I feel it’s more important that he is a dad first. I just wish his ex’s new bf was encouraging her to prioritise the kids in the same way and not encouraging her to move towards him

OP’s posts: |
Sally7645 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:50:32

Has the new BF got kids? It would surely be far less disruptive for him to move closer to where the kids are at school... I'm on the fence, both parents are entitled to a life but I wouldn't be happy uprooting my kids to that degree simply to be nearer a partner

zafferana Thu 25-Feb-21 11:50:41

It's because you're asking for a dad OP. If it was the dad moving the kids away from the mum you'd get very different answers. MN is like that!

angieloumc Thu 25-Feb-21 11:51:50

It's irrelevant whether you live 45 minutes in the opposite direction from where she is now. It's relevant where HE lives.
Saying that, 45 minutes isn't that far, he could still have them as much just maybe in a different way, for example instead of every other night, perhaps a few nights at once and vice versa. It's near enough to get them to school each day.

LittleRa Thu 25-Feb-21 11:52:00

So do you and DP already live 45 mins away from where ex and kids live? Is where ex currently lives the same area where they lived together, if so did he move 45 mins away with you? And now she wants to move 45 mins in the other direction making the total difference 1hr 30mins? If correct, how come its ok for him to move 45 mins away but not her?

partyatthepalace Thu 25-Feb-21 11:55:04

It will depend a bit on her new partners circs (does he have older kids it would be harder to move etc).

But on the face of it your DP should go to court to apply to maintain 50/50 and for the kids to stay near enough to stay at present school. If he’s had 50/50 so far, I’d be surprised if that can or should change unless there’s a very good reason for it.

Move briskly I would say.

toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:55:11

So he currently lives 5 mins away from ex (on same development). He stays with me when he doesn’t have the kids. He is staying where he is. We aren’t living together and have no plans to. Sorry if unclear. I was just trying to say that is why he doesn’t want to move to nearer ex’s boyfriend

OP’s posts: |
bombastical Thu 25-Feb-21 11:55:23

and I’m afraid you bleat on about “best interest of the child” but your post clearly illustrates that you are only interested in best interests of your BF. You’ve had it cushy up until now. She’s entitled to move on and live her best life. Best interests of the kids doesn’t mean you and your BF getting your own way. Your BF can still do 50/50 but he’s going to have to make some adjustments, put in more legwork and make ore effort. He was lucky it was all in his doorstep up until now. The majority of people I know who have split, the woman moves away and it’s further than 45 minutes. You should be breathing a sigh of relief to be honest. One woman I know moved back to her hometown after the split which was 3 hours away. Nasty and expensive court battle. They ruled in her favour. Make the 45 minutes work. He can start work earlier one day and finish early and go pick them up. There’s no reason why he can’t travel to drop them off at school a couple of times a week or ask for longer weekends so he picks them up on a Thursday night and drops them to school on a Monday morning. He can also ask for more holiday time so have more full weeks to make up. There are 6 weeks summer hols. If he doesn’t want to try and work around then that’s not acceptable behaviour and he’s throwing a tantrum for his own benefit and laziness rather than “best interests of child” which is often trotted out by selfish men who are no longer just getting their own way.

lunar1 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:56:21

Will they be staying in the same school?

Frazzled99 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:56:41

Gosh this sounds identical to our situation. I could have written it word for word! Only difference ex lives an hour away. My DH got an order from court to stop the school move and lots of court hearings and cafcass involvement (ex got nasty and made untrue accusations), they sided with the mother. She moved, they changed schools and contact has changed to 3 weekends out of 4 and half the holidays (one night a week wouldn't work due to distance).

Sadly the courts don't lool at what's 'fair' on the parents or why a mother has moved, they just look at the children and know they can't do that commute to school and will likely agree to them residing with the mother with contact for the father. It's shit, but take it from someone who's been through a year of this that's how it is. Unless your partner wants to suggest he has them in week, does school runs etc and she has them at weekends he won't have a case. And would he realistically be able to do that with school ect? Having 3 weekends and half the holidays has actually been really nice, we get lots of quality time without the stress of school runs and homework! Could you suggest a similar arrangement?

negomi90 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:57:29

Why can't he still do 50% with a school in the middle?

Myheadmyheart Thu 25-Feb-21 11:57:33

When you say your house is 45 minutes away, does that mean your bf lives with you? Where did he live before that?

Myheadmyheart Thu 25-Feb-21 11:58:09

Oh right, cross post.

toobusytothink Thu 25-Feb-21 11:58:27

Yes new bf has a kid who he has primary residence of but doesn’t want to uproot as she is happy at her school and the mum has a house nearby - the irony

OP’s posts: |
lunar1 Thu 25-Feb-21 11:58:31

Sorry, I just saw you said they would be swapping schools.

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