Shocked by DD's friend's parents.

[supersop60]

I'm seeking advice that I can give to my DD's friend. I have never come across a situation like this, and I'll try to be clear.
DD's friend is at Uni. She, like a normal student, has had a few relationships and has recently met a new man. She has discovered that her (D)M knows about this man, by logging onto her daughter's Instagram account!
All hell has broken lose with the parents. Friend has brought shame upon the family etc. They have now issued an ultimatum - either her (D)F moves to Uni town and friend lives with him for the remainder of her course, OR she is cut off from the family altogether.
I'd like to ask MN what your views are, and what help might be available to this poor girl.
For background, the family are Pakistani Christian and have lived in the UK for most of their married life.

[LemonCrab]

Who moves to town? Her father?

[pinkyredrose]

Why don't they like the guy?

[AmandaHoldensLips]

I would suggest she contact student support services at her university and ask for whatever assistance she needs.

The parental ultimatum of being either (a) cut off, or (b) controlled, will be very hard for her to navigate. She will need support.

[supersop60]

@pinkyredrose

Why don't they like the guy?

They don't know him, never met him.

[supersop60]

@LemonCrab

Who moves to town? Her father?

Yes. The father is going to move (for work is what they'll say ) and the girl will have to live with him.

[Standrewsschool]

Horrible situation.

I’m guessing the friend’s parents feel friend needs a chaperone, and shouldn’t be socialising alone with a man.

What does the friend want to do? If she goes it alone, how she will support herself? This will need to be looked into.

How does she feel about living with her father?

I guess another option is not to date at all.

Another matter is parent hacking her instragram account .

How does friend see her future. Living a western life, or her family’s traditional life?

[supersop60]

I would have said that they already live a 'western' life. Having met them and been to their house on several occasions since the girls were 11.

[Shimy]

What is it exactly they don't like about this man? what did they see on Instagram? it sounds like this is also a much older man, could that be part of what they have issue with?

Is she resilient enough to go it alone if they cut her off, provided she gets financial support?

[Chamomileteaplease]

Encourage her to get some counselling and support as it looks like she may have to cut herself off from her family, at least for a while, to see if they relax after a while.

Assuming the girl would like to live as most western girls and have a boyfriend and some autonomy away from her parents.

[YoniAndGuy]

Misogynistic control.

Friend needs to report to student services (if she's gettign loans, etc this will all affect it) - tell her controlling bigot parents that she's done so - then make it 100% clear that she'll live her own life, and they either accept that fully or they lose her, and any future grandchildren.

And NO her father won't be moving in so he can subject her to total male control. Funnily enough, that's not even vaguely ok.

[MavisGallavanting]

Speaking as someone who has navigated this situation - it's not going to get better.

I'd suggest that your daughter's friend seek support from student services, find out what resources are available to her financially to help her through her studies, and how she can access them without parental evidence or whatever you need now to pay fees/cover living costs.

On the other hand, if she doesn't want to do any of that, you can't really intervene or do anything more than hope that she can get support when she needs it. She could try to talk to her parents of course and explain.

It's an impossible situation - everyone needs their parents at that age BUT the relationship isn't going to change because she wants it to, from the sounds of it.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Yes to counseling. Uni should be able to offer her a service that understands her specific cultural issues.

Mostly she has to decide what she wants to do with her life, apart from changing every password to every account, social media, emails, bank, student loan account, etc.

She needs to protect every part of her online existence from her parents at the very, very least.

If this is her watershed moment she'll need a lot of non judgemental support.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

Student loans will be able to to help her more if they cut her off.

They sound like nightmares.

[MavisGallavanting]

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Yes to counseling. Uni should be able to offer her a service that understands her specific cultural issues.

Mostly she has to decide what she wants to do with her life, apart from changing every password to every account, social media, emails, bank, student loan account, etc.

She needs to protect every part of her online existence from her parents at the very, very least.

If this is her watershed moment she'll need a lot of non judgemental support.

Agreed - counselling is really important! The practical stuff shouldn't be hard but dealing with the conflicting emotions will be an absolute nightmare if she does decide to cut them off.

[SionnachGlic]

But maybe not so 'western' when it comes to DD's reputation for prospective marriages, although I may be reading more into this. It is so sad that poor DD is being forced to choose like this...& if she sticks with family it sounds like she will be a prisoner of sorts, under her (D)F's watch. Hacking her Instagram will prob escalate to checking her timetable, phone, friends, every move.

Maybe the college counselling services can help like pp advised. I'm not sure what you can do in this situation unless you live in the uni town & can offer her a place to live. Presumably if she doesn't do as parents say, she will be financially cut-off. Student loans could be an option insofar as fees go...but she'll need a home too. It is hard to fathom in this day & age that parents put religion & culture above the care & happiness of their DC.... of course there needs to be societal structure & moral codes but this, over a boyfriend who, if they know nothing about him, could be the best chap ever & perfect for her. Very different of course if he was abusive or harming her...but from your post that doesn't seem to be the case here. I hope the girl can access the help & support she needs.

[TierFourTears]

First thing daughter needs to do is change all her passwords and tighten up on security on her social media accounts.

[Hoppinggreen]

@supersop60

I would have said that they already live a 'western' life. Having met them and been to their house on several occasions since the girls were 11.

Clearly the western life only goes so far
I had a friend from a similar background, was welcome at her house and she was just one of the gang (probably the best behaved one but even so) but all hell broke loose when she dated a white boy. They eventually married, even though she was offered a large sum of money not to. Her family are ok with it now but it was very hard for a while

[supersop60]

The parents do not know the man - it's the simple fact that he exists at all in their daughter's life.
The girl is 20 and I have known her for 9 years - she is living a Westernised life, and has been for as long as I've known her. I guess that the parents want her to meet a nice Pakistani Christian boy and settle down.
She has tried to talk to her parents and they have shut her down every time, unwilling to listen to her point of view.
She has also now changed all her passwords etc.
I shall pass on the advice via my DD to contact student support.
She has been having therapy for a while because of her parents, and now it has escalated.

[combatbarbie]

If they are putting their religious views before a child's, no matter the age, I'd cut them off.

[supersop60]

DD has just told me it was her friend's birthday yesterday, and they didn't contact her at all. Her brother (16) rang to say HB, but he doesn't know what's going on.

[2bazookas]

Her parents strong opinions must have been known to their daughter so what was she thinking of, to be so indiscreet they found out. Just like all those married people who leave their phone lying about with incriminating messages from their lovers.

[Cpl1586407]

How did they manage to log in? My (white, western) Dad was quite like this tbh, he thought while he was paying for my education and housing I had little right to privacy. Mum (Asian) never said anything so I assume she agreed with him.

See what support she can get from the University to stay in the area. It's hard if they're going to cut her off financially, can she get a job? Would course hours allow for this?

[ekidmxcl]

I would treat them in kind.

Send a message to parents saying not going out with him/broken up with him (whichever fits) and then just go carry on with life without putting it online.

[tara66]

Perhaps her DP think a boyfriend will be too much of a distraction from her university studies. This does happen.

[AlternativePerspective]

She needs to contact student support as said above, as well as seek some counselling for herself to come to terms with losing her parents.

Unfortunately these situations are all too common in some cultures and parents can and do cut off their kids sometimes forever and sometimes, if they’re lucky, they come round, but that’s rare.

Also I would encourage her to seek support with any organisation which deals with these kinds of situations. I know there’s one which helps young girls hoping to escape from arranged/forced marriages, but I’m not sure whether there are any which help with this kind of thing. It would be worth finding out though.