Advanced search

Being perfect

(58 Posts)
AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 20:46:32

I need to get this off my chest.

Okay, so I am not perfect and I have my faults like everyone.

My husband doesn't give me
an inch for manoeuvre.
I am not allowed to be tired, grumpy, stressed or, for example,cross when it's bedtime for the children. It's relentless and there is no leeway at all.

Not wanting a badge, but I try my best as a wife and a mother .
I keep an immaculate home, the children are well cared for and loved, I'm
a great cook, a good lover and I work part time too as well to contribute to the home.

It just feels so one sided and I also have shit mental health which doesn't help matters.

What's peoples thoughts on this. Is it normal?
Any thoughts or advice would
be gladly welcome.

OP’s posts: |
Windmillwhirl Tue 23-Feb-21 20:53:32

I'd say he is adding to your mental health problems. Everyone gets tired, grumpy, irritable. He is being totally unreasonable and I'd question how you would ever be at peace suppressing your emotions to please him. Is he allowed to feel off at times? I bet he is.

AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 20:57:26

A bit of a history of emotional abuse really .

I am finding it so difficult and my anxiety is through the roof.

OP’s posts: |
WhateverJudy Tue 23-Feb-21 20:58:42

Not normal at all. Your partner should be supportive, encouraging and understanding when you’re struggling. Not criticising you. No wonder you’re anxious- you’re not allowed to be human. It sounds like a miserable way to live sad

Windmillwhirl Tue 23-Feb-21 21:01:07

Of course you are anxious. You are walking on eggshells all the time. Has he always been like this? This is not normal.

orangesky1 Tue 23-Feb-21 21:03:16

What does he say to you?

AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 21:04:27

It's been like this for years

OP’s posts: |
PPNC Tue 23-Feb-21 21:04:49

What do you mean my “not allowed”

What happens if you don’t empty the bins / cook perfect food / don’t bother brushing your hair?

RosesAndHellebores Tue 23-Feb-21 21:07:18

Well my DH likes a perfect house, an immaculate wife and well behaved intelligent children.

He is anal and can be an absolute anal and bombastic arse. However, he sees my point when I tell him to get over himself and to fuck off - and we can laugh. If you don't have that op YANBU. They can be difficult but their downsides shouldn't outweigh their upsides.

AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 21:08:23

I can't be snappy or tired .
I can't tell the children off when they misbehave
I can't feel what I'm feeling.

I am " aggressive" " have problems" "fucked up"

Etc etc

It's shit

OP’s posts: |
RosesAndHellebores Tue 23-Feb-21 21:11:28

Just pack his bags and tell him to fuck off. That's just not acceptable and I've got stick on here for pandering to my dh but I pander because he's basically a decent bloke who treats me well despite his foibles.

PPNC Tue 23-Feb-21 21:12:57

Again what do you mean by CANT?

Would he hit you?
Shout at you?
Remove access to finances?

AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 21:14:29

Shout . Withdraw affection. Ignore me. Scold me.

Depends what the situation is at that time

OP’s posts: |
justanotherneighinparadise Tue 23-Feb-21 21:15:25

It sounds like you are around to serve a purpose, like an accessory to his life. If you throw up an error code he immediately threatens to terminate your contract. It only works when you appease his basically.

user18467425798532 Tue 23-Feb-21 21:17:16

He's not "a bit" abusive. Your mental health is shit because you're being abused.

How would you feel about leaving? What's stopping you at the moment?

Teentitansonloop Tue 23-Feb-21 21:18:30

You are living in a gilded cage, it appears. Sorry OP flowers

Maxellious Tue 23-Feb-21 21:20:40

I would imagine, as pp have said, that his attitude makes your anxiety much much worse. Or even causes it completely.

It's shit because it becomes a vicious cycle where the more anxious you become the harder it is for you to leave. But you need to leave to improve your anxiety.

You are allowed to be as emotional, unreasonable and contrary as you like in life OP. I have recently left a similar man, although not as bad as yours, and it has been hard. But I am starting to enjoy being able to change my mind on a whim, and have a cry if I feel like it or even swear at people under my breath when I have PMT. I feel free!

PPNC Tue 23-Feb-21 21:32:57

Ok so he’s emotionally abusive yep. You need to get out of the trap.

You are giving him your power and he’s taking it. Either tell him to fuck off, do as you please and mean it. Or kick him out.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Feb-21 21:37:31

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What has prevented you to date from leaving your abuser ?. How can you be helped into leaving him?

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like this, no you would not.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Feb-21 21:39:38

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This relationship is over anyway because of the abuse he meets out towards you and in turn your kids who do pick up on all the antipathy and hear far more besides.

Bananalanacake Tue 23-Feb-21 22:10:30

Well if you can't tell off your DC when they misbehave get him to do it.

funnylittlefloozie Tue 23-Feb-21 22:16:38

I imagine that your mental health would improve massively if you weren't living with this nasty pathetic bastard. How do YOU think you'd feel if you didn't live with him?

shakeitoffshakeacocktail Tue 23-Feb-21 22:41:33

Sounds like you don't need him anyway. What's he doing while you're being a robot stepford wife

Fuck that shit, I live alone with my children and I am not perfect either

harknesswitch Tue 23-Feb-21 22:43:22

I strongly suspect your mental health issues are directly related to your dh

AlowYew Tue 23-Feb-21 22:50:17

Thank you for your replies

It runs very deep

I feel so sad

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in