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Could you EVER Forgive your DH for this?? warning poss trigger

(235 Posts)
Elsaandana Tue 23-Feb-21 19:02:18

Hi, I could write an essay but will try & keep this brief

Over a year ago I found myself pregnant with my 4th baby, I knew my husbands reaction probably wouldn't be good but don't think I was prepared for how bad it was, basically if I was going to have the baby then he would be leaving & we would be divorcing

Although the circumstances were not ideal & I could see some of his reasoning I went through absolute hell to make my decision because I had dreamed of 4 and thought I would be the last person in the world to have an abortion, i ended up terminating & my life turned upside down & went to a very dark place which I'm still trying to pick up the pieces

Not long after covid hit & obviously changed things , I have tried my absolute hardest to try & get over it and try & be "normal " with him but it's fucking hard

I know these are completely separate things but I also liken it to maybe when your Dh cheats & you try to forgive & move past it but it's always just there! Obviously from an intimacy point of view aswell

Any advice/opinions will be welcomed

OP’s posts: |
Sassypants82 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:05:46

I think I would also find it very hard to move on from. No advice but I completely understand why you feel like you do.

It was really unfair to issue such an ultimatum and to threaten you into a termination. It was just as much his responsibility as yours and I'm so sorry you weren't supported by him.

SirVixofVixHall Tue 23-Feb-21 19:07:57

Could I forgive this ? No. I am sorry but I couldn’t stay in a marriage where I was coerced into ending a pregnancy with the threat of divorce.

Namenic Tue 23-Feb-21 19:08:34

I’m so sorry about this. I hope you can get some help and counselling.

funnylittlefloozie Tue 23-Feb-21 19:09:50

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds awful, and there are no easy answers, but maybe it will help to focus on the three lovely children you already have, instead of the fourth you don't. I think it would be very hurtful to be a child whose mother was always craving another child - I'd always wonder if, somehow, I wasn't quite good enough for her.

funnylittlefloozie Tue 23-Feb-21 19:11:18

Oh and I forgot to add your DH is horrible. What a thing to threaten your wife with.

Jurassicperk Tue 23-Feb-21 19:11:57

I wouldn't forgive the fact he was so willing to put you in that position to decide. He sounds awful.

thedownpipe Tue 23-Feb-21 19:15:17

This is a very sad situation and I do feel for you, but reading between the lines, your DH didn’t want a fourth child. Had you discussed this together and he told you he didn’t want one but you went against his wishes hoping that he’d change his mind?

I think there’s some responsibility on both sides here - you knew he didn’t want a fourth child but got pregnant anyway and he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with you knowing you wanted another child.

I’m sorry that you are feeling the way you are now, but is couples counselling an option? Clearly there are unresolved feelings on both sides.

Onlinedilema Tue 23-Feb-21 19:15:33

I don’t have much advice except to say I think you should try seeing a counsellor. I hope your dh is taking responsibility for his own fertility.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Tue 23-Feb-21 19:15:38

I would never forgive him no. I would be his ex wife.

gaijinetal Tue 23-Feb-21 19:15:58

Disgusting behaviour.

Not surprised you feel the way you do.

gaijinetal Tue 23-Feb-21 19:19:19

The only thing that bothers me is that if you split from him, you'll presumably be resident parent to three kids with what you get in the divorce settlement plus child maintenance .. and you'll end up doing the bulk of parenting, with probably lower resources. He'll have less responsibility and commitment for you and your kids as a result of coercing you into an abortion a d you subsequently splitting with him.

SilverBirchWithout Tue 23-Feb-21 19:20:17

I think I would find it hard to move on from this.
Try and seek counselling, you need to work through your own grief and then look at whether your relationship can be saved.

WineInTheWillows Tue 23-Feb-21 19:22:02

I'd probably be his ex wife with four kids, if I'm honest. However, now the decision has been made, I'd try and move past it if at all possible- you made the decision to try and save the relationship over the pregnancy and if you walk away now you'll just have lost both. I reckon you can work towards getting past it if you want to, but you'll probably need some couple's counselling to do it, and it's up to you if that's something you want to try/feel has a possibility of working.

I'm sorry you feel this way. flowers

SirVixofVixHall Tue 23-Feb-21 19:22:06

thedownpipe

This is a very sad situation and I do feel for you, but reading between the lines, your DH didn’t want a fourth child. Had you discussed this together and he told you he didn’t want one but you went against his wishes hoping that he’d change his mind?

I think there’s some responsibility on both sides here - you knew he didn’t want a fourth child but got pregnant anyway and he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with you knowing you wanted another child.

I’m sorry that you are feeling the way you are now, but is couples counselling an option? Clearly there are unresolved feelings on both sides.

I disagree completely with this. If he was so against a fourth child he either needed to give up sex or get a vasectomy. Sex makes babies, whatever you do some women will still get pregnant. Bullying your pregnant wife into an abortion she very much does not want is abuse.

category12 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:23:52

Has he taken responsibility for contraception since? What does he say about what went on? Is he remorseful for making it an ultimatum and sympathetic/supportive of you and your feelings about it?

gaijinetal Tue 23-Feb-21 19:25:39

I wonder would he really have left you if you'd continued the pregnancy..what was he going to say if you told people the truth and said that was why he'd left? He'd have looked like an utter c*nt. Was he going to try to lie/deny if you told people why he'd left?!

No doubt he made your life so miserable, you envisioned more of the same, with a new born (and you'd existing kids to boot) and couldn't face it; even if you thought he'd stay.

I think I remember your thread about it at the time, if you're the same person.

SplendidSuns1000 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:27:19

I'm so sorry for your experience and the upset this has caused you. And I'm sorry your husband felt it was okay to coerce you and threaten you with divorce.

I could never forgive my husband for that.

thedownpipe Tue 23-Feb-21 19:27:30

@SirVixofVixHall

If he was so against a fourth child he either needed to give up sex or get a vasectomy. Sex makes babies, whatever you do some women will still get pregnant.

I did actually say in my post that he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex if he didn’t want a fourth child.

Obviously, it’s shit to threaten divorce, but the OP has clearly said she knew he wouldn’t be happy but got pregnant anyway. My point was that I felt there was fault on both sides here.

JosephineBaker Tue 23-Feb-21 19:29:52

I think you need counselling to help you process your termination. You need to work through your anger, guilt and resentment and come to terms with what happened before you can move on.

Elsaandana Tue 23-Feb-21 19:30:54

thedownpipe

This is a very sad situation and I do feel for you, but reading between the lines, your DH didn’t want a fourth child. Had you discussed this together and he told you he didn’t want one but you went against his wishes hoping that he’d change his mind?

I think there’s some responsibility on both sides here - you knew he didn’t want a fourth child but got pregnant anyway and he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with you knowing you wanted another child.

I’m sorry that you are feeling the way you are now, but is couples counselling an option? Clearly there are unresolved feelings on both sides.

This is a very valid point & there is a lot surrounding this he actually didn't want our third child either but didn't go to the extremes of saying what he did for the 4th

He knew I wanted 4 and it was kinda of a joke how would you cope with another one if it had been a challenging day etc & I would always just laugh it off , ironically I finally came to the conclusion that I would accept we were done & we had a heart to heart & I told him I was 90% sure I had put the dream to bed I was actually already pregnant just didn't know it

I will have to live the rest of my life with my reckless choices of contraception and it's a huge regret of mine 🥲

He on the other hand was happy to have unprotected sex knowing full well he didn't want anymore & that's what kills me , I might as well have been some one night stand tracking him down to tell him I was pregnant with the way he treated me

OP’s posts: |
toocold54 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:31:49

You had 2 choices - stay with him and terminate the baby or leave and keep the baby. You made the decision you thought was best at the time so although it’s hard try not to beat yourself up over it.

It is not your DHs fault you decided to have a termination he didn’t force you. But it is obvious you blame him and for that reason I don’t think you can ever get past it and you will live the rest of your life resenting him if you.

If someone had helped make the baby and then gave me that ultimatum I would have left even if I was planning a termination anyway.

BluntAndToThePoint80 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:33:37

I think @thedownpipe has given a very fair, balanced opinion here.

I actually don’t think there is anything wrong with a man making his position clear when there is an unwanted pregnancy. It’s better than pretending everything’s fine then doing a bunk once you’re stuck. This way you make an informed choice.

These situations are always awful, but I’m assuming (hoping) you both genuinely took every possible precaution to prevent the situation arising and trust each other in that regard. If not, there is going to be some guilt / blame / resentment issues.

Perhaps he could have phrased it better, but he didn’t want the pregnancy (which it sounds like you knew ahead of time) and he was outlining the consequences if you went ahead anyway in terms of your relationship (although he should of course co-parent / pay maintenance etc). You made your choice based on that information.

I suppose you now need to decide if you can move on or not having made that choice, but I suspect a lot of that will be based on the background to this event (were you both taking proper (reliable) precautions, had you previously agreed on how many children to have (and why if it’s fewer than one of you would like), discussed more permanent contraception, is there a healthy level of trust between you or does he feel you’ve done this deliberately etc). You often see it said on here an unwanted / unexpected pregnancy ends the relationship regardless of the pair have different views on what to do.

Katrinawaves Tue 23-Feb-21 19:33:47

He possibly thought it was an unlikely coincidence that you both wanted a fourth child and “accidentally” became pregnant with one when he had stated he didn’t want to. Even if this was a genuine contraceptive failure rather than carelessness or sabotage I can understand his dismay and possibly also his mistrust of you.

As for where you go from here - maybe some couples counselling would help. I suspect he also has some issues about what happened.

BigSandyBalls2015 Tue 23-Feb-21 19:33:50

How has he behaved since?

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