Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Too soon to ask about the future?(19 Posts)
So some back story I’m almost 40 single mum with 1 DC, met someone last July (40s 1 DC)so it’s coming up 7 months. It was all very mad and heady in the beginning and he did mention marriage and kids but I was very aware that was the honeymoon stage so paid it no mind... he did ask to be in a relationship with me and we see each other 3/4 times a week so on that score all fine. He has met my DC and on V day I met his DC.
Last weekend he was talking to me about a vague plan he has about buying a property back home, then said ‘he and who he is with’ can holiday there and I asked him if he wanted to move there and he said oh not now-maybe 10/15 years or something, which got me thinking maybe he doesn’t see a future for us or am I being paranoid?
I do want to talk to him about the future now, as I am coming up to 40, do want another DC etc etc, or is 7 months into this too soon?
Tips on how to do it?
I think I'd feel a little disappointed but that is far into the future and a vague plan atm
What about short term plans for you, are you in his plans to meet extended family and friends? Holiday together? Maybe talk about living together, if he's not interested in these things then I would be worrying more.
Well it’s lockdown so meeting people is hard but I have met some of his friends etc, and his child. I think lockdown will make holidaying difficult. But I guess I could raise living together or just a vague I hope there’s an ‘us’ in both his and my future plans
Never feel shy about bringing up the future, it's your time and effort you are putting into the relationship, if your not on the same page then best to know now.
Maybe he told you his plans hoping you'd comment about them including you?
Also, how important is a 2nd DC to you? That's going to cloud your judgement on this relationships possibly?
The relationship sounds like it's progressing nicely, so just have the convo with him!
Too soon IMO
Don't push this.
He said -'he and who he is with’ can holiday there and I asked him if he wanted to move there and he said oh not now-maybe 10/15 years or something,
You aren't in the frame ATM.
You can give it a bit longer but if another DC is a priority then only you can decide how long you want to wait to see if your goals mesh...
At 40 I’m surprised you haven’t both already had some significant conversations about the future and whether you have one together/timeframes for more children, and marriage/cohabiting.
Definitely not too soon to raise it, though it doesn’t sound like he’s particularly serious about the relationship so far. Might be a misguided attempt to avoid scaring you off though. Talk to him!
Maybe he is worried about sounding presumtuous? And as someone alreaydd said, wanted to see how you react? I think it sounds very positive with him introducing you to family even withcurrent situ.
But do ask him what he meant.
Might be a misguided attempt to avoid scaring you off though
That's what I was trtying to say, too!
I also think that he wouldn't have said something like that if he had a theoretical woman in mind, he knows you might be seeing this as LTR, so if he was stringing you alone he'd have kept quiet about his possible plans to find someone else.
Either he isn’t very committed yet, or he thinks he might scare you off if he appears to be.
If another DC is important to you then you need to talk to him. 6 months may not be enough time for either of you to be sure, but you should have some idea.
I would just say quite simply you’d like another DC so be good to know where he thinks this is going 1) not serious 2) not sure yet (so you cd agree another 6 months) 3) yes serious - so talk more to see if your idea about your futures tallies - and if so make plans to move in.
I wouldn’t fanny about, just be straightforward. NB - he has a house ‘back home’ that he thinks he might move to? So you will also need to talk about that.
This is your life. Don’t skirt around the edges. If you want to discuss the future, do it.
"He said -'he and who he is with’ can holiday there and I asked him if he wanted to move there and he said oh not now-maybe 10/15 years or something"
- I would take that comment to mean you're not in his future plans.
You're 40 - Your time to have kids is diminishing. His isn't.
Does he seriously want to have a family one day?
I would start at that point.
The fact he has introduced you to his child speaks volumes. It’s only 7 months, I would hold out for a few months before having the conversation. Don’t be paranoid as he has been burned in the past and just being cautious. It’s still early days.
Whilst I understand your desire to have a second child, I do think it’s too soon to decide on moving in and planning one together. You need to be cautious for the sake of your child and not be driven by your biological clock. So his apparent indecision at this stage is not unreasonable.
40 and wanting another child, you have to talk to him now.
If he saw you in his future, he would have said us or at least said hopefully you visiting the home.
Men know right away.
I'd back way off from him and think about dating others.
If you'd like another child, you don't really have time to waste. You need to feel him out on the subject.
You don't need to go in hard and demand to know his intentions but it's not unreasonable to have general discussions about where you see yourselves and what you'd like for your own future.
If he runs like the wind at any mention of future possibilities, then he's unlikely to have been the right person in the first place.
You can't afford to waste tons of time on him if ttc with a partner is something important to you and he doesn't want to.
I like the replies that state that it's your time and you should not feel shy about checking if you are using it wisely. Speaking from experience, it might feel a bit awkward and uncomfortable but how he copes with that will teach you so much about his ability to discuss actual problems. If asking him makes him huff, explode, gaslight or generally behave like a toddler and you feel anything other than valued at the end of the conversation then you'll know he's not for you anyway.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that he meant with you or that he didn't- it really depends on other conversations you might have had. He could have come across as rushing things if he had specially said you and in terms of the moving there in 10/15 years where is that? If it's another country or far away you need to think about whether that is something you might like to do in the future or not because if he goes down the route of buying something you may end up getting backed into a corner further down the road if you stay together.
Please login first.