Week long holiday...

[Blacklillies]

Hi,
Id just like some opinions as to whether a weeks holiday with friends is too long whilst in a relationship?

After last nights road map, my DP informs me that he intends to go away for a week with friends (male and female).

It doesn't quite sit right with me, I'm all for going away for the weekend with the girls, and am fine with him going away for 2/3 nights with the lads a couple of times a year for city breaks etc, but a week seems a little too long, It's not something I would consider, especially without inviting him.

Also not too keen on him being away with other women whist he has a girlfriend at home... doing things that couples should do...
All the friends are single, so it seems like a single persons holiday... (hence I wouldn't be going or get invited)

We only get a certain holiday allowance from work / have to budget for holidays as we both own our own homes (don't live together) so for me, a weeks holiday would be used to be spent with him.
He says he intends to do this once a year, along with another shorter break in the year with them too.
I know it's his holiday & he can do as he pleases with it but it's just my opinion and I think those kind of things should be enjoyed with partners.

We been together just over a year, so most of this has been spent during lockdown, so we haven't been able to go away ourselves other than the odd night between lockdowns.

For background, I'm 36, previous relationship of 11 years, he's 29 and not had a serious relationship since his late teens / early 20s.

I don't want to come across as controlling by saying I'm not comfortable with it, but I'm not...

So just wondering if this is the norm and I AIBU to not like this?

[Loopyloututu2]

No I wouldn’t like it either. You’re entitled to feel however you like about it but I guess if he doesn’t care and goes ahead and books it anyway you have to suck it up or dump him? Dh and I don’t have friends of the opposite sex (well, not who were close enough to go away with) so isn’t something I’ve had to deal with but it would be a bit of a deal-breaker for me I’m afraid.
I guess it partly depends how long you’ve been together and how serious the relationship is?

[category12]

Well, you haven't been together that long - do you live together?

[Eckhart]

Who do you think makes the rules about what is ok and is not ok in situations like this?

[Newfor2021]

To be honest this would tell me everything I needed to know about how he felt about me.

No, I wouldn’t kick up a fuss or try and stop him in anyway. I would let him know I was disappointed he chose to prioritise that over a holiday together but that was his decision.
I would then start distancing myself and pot wisely just end it as I knew everything I needed to know about how he felt and where I stood in his list of life priorities.

[MaryIsA]

Doesn’t sound like you want the same things. My dh has been ok with me doing what your partner is suggesting. But he’s got kids and goes away with them. Different life stages.

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

He's only 29. It's only been a year. You don't live together.

[Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a]

He says he intends to do this once a year, along with another shorter break in the year with them too.

This is the part i think is important. It isnt just because of lockdown. He will always use at least a week’s leave on a singles holiday.

I would say id like to go. If he says no it is a singles holiday, id make him single.

That’s also a big age gap, and you're his first serious girlfriend. I dont think this has legs.

[BeHappyAndSmile]

YABU

It's a friend's holiday, doesn't matter if it's mixed sex, doesn't matter if they're all single. They are friends. It's not an 18-30s holiday where he's fucking off for a week to bang some strangers and leaving you at home. Maybe after you've been together longer than a year (half of which has been spent in bloody lockdown) you'll get an invite. But men and women can be friends without it meaning they want to have sex. I'm assuming he gets more than a week and a half holiday or year so you'll still get to go away together

[PatsyClinSilVousPlait]

There's no rule book and its no-one else's business but you don't sound well suited.

I'd find it suffocating for my holidays to be policed by someone I didn't live with, so in his position I'd end it if it was an issue. The same goes for you if its not OK with you.

[Logmein]

I go away for 1 sometimes 2 weeks a year on holiday with my friends (mixed group)and always have, if DH has a problem with it then he's never said but also he resects that it is my choice plus he knows he can trust me, I don't have a issue with him going away with his friends he just chooses not to.

[themoneypolice]

Really doesn't sound like your his priority

[mindutopia]

Not as long as the person can afford it from their personal spending money and you both get equal opportunities. Dh and I mostly only go away for about 4 days at a time with the other at home, but when COVID is done, dh has planned a week motorbike holiday with BIL and I’m checking out solo travel destinations in Asia for myself for next year. I already have 5 days in a holiday cottage booked for June this year. Can’t wait. The difference would be though if you can very small children (under 1) and the parent at home would struggle... then it just needs to wait til they are a tiny bit older.

[mindutopia]

I think I would be massively second guessing any relationship with someone who tried to dictate what travel I could do and we were only just dating. Been married to Dh over a decade and he still doesn’t get to do that (assuming we check our schedules for childcare conflicts).

[sammylady37]

I think you’re being massively unreasonable and I would dump any one who tried to pull this stunt with me.

You’re in his life a year, much of which has been spent in lockdown, and you want to dictate about him going on holidays with his friends, whom he has known much longer than he’s known you?

And why on earth would you be invited? You’re a new partner. Presumably you haven’t met his friends, or have only met them a handful of times at most, given lockdown. They’re an established friendship group. Why would they invite you in to upset the dynamic?

Calling it a ‘singles holiday’ is a stretch too tbh. It’s a friends holiday, some of whom are single, some of whom aren’t, but who are going away as a group of friends, not a group of couples. A singles holiday sounds like something specifically for single people who want to spend their whole holiday riding senseless.

[harknesswitch]

I don't see an issue with him going away with his friends for a week and a few weekend breaks. You don't have kids so it's not like you're being left at home holding the baby. However it's all about what's acceptable to you. If you're not happy with this, then maybe it's time to think if this relationship is for you or not.

[Blacklillies]

Okay thanks for the input everyone.

I haven't said anything to him, I just wanted opinions on whether a week was too long before I decided if I was being totally unreasonable or it was normal to go for a week - because I've not come across this before. All my friends are in long terms relationships and everyone goes away for weekends mainly, with 'holidays' as opposed to breaks, being with each other / family.

Like I said, no issue with weekend breaks. I will do the same with my friends, like I have done for my whole life in other relationships with no issues.

I guess all I can do is wait and see how things pan out after lockdown!

[Senabak]

He is maybe a bit young for you. Sounds like he isn’t really ready to settle down just yet.