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Would you date someone who was very specific that they were looking for someone older?

(38 Posts)
Magicalsundays Tue 23-Feb-21 16:52:04

I met a guy online who does the same job on me -through SM of that job.

He is about 10 years or so younger. But he is looking for someone older that him about 10 years older -that is his first criteria.

Now I can see why you might have a criteria of 'not having kids'etc but but only date women older than you?

He says it's personal choice -that's what he wants. I can't help but feel maybe it is related to the fact he is 35 and he can't have children medically -his long term partner left him after years of trying for a baby -as she wanted a child. She is now married and has a child.

I suppose it no different to me refusing to date someone who lives far away -as I know I'm not up for any relocation.

I just don't want to be with someone younger than me because they wanted 'older'.

He seems nice and pleasant etc and funnily enough I've relocated from 6 hours away from him to 2 hours away -so a relationship might be feasible.

It just worries me a bit. He's upfront and honest. I support I could say -I do use age as I wouldn't date someone more than 10 years older. etc

My ex husband was nearly 10 years younger -but his age never came into why I wanted to date him or not.

OP’s posts: |
AryaStarkWolf Tue 23-Feb-21 16:55:18

It sounds like his reason is because he's afraid he will be left again if the other person wants kids. I would give it a go if you like him

LubaLuca Tue 23-Feb-21 16:56:34

I've always been more attracted to older men, but it isn't the most important thing about them.

A partner being 10 years older is a strange thing to require - what if you were 6,7 or 8 years older than him? Would it be a barrier to getting to know you?

agreyersky Tue 23-Feb-21 18:34:55

As a women I give men who state they are looking for older women a wide birth. I used to ask they why they wanted an older woman as I was curious, and from their answers they had obviously fetishised older women into a 'type'. I just wasn't interested in that.

seensome Tue 23-Feb-21 18:44:05

I have dated a man that only dated older women, he was incredibly immature weirdly so wasn't the best match, he had mummy issues and I think he wanted a mum replacement.

gaijinetal Tue 23-Feb-21 19:12:20

What's odd is that he could meet a not older woman who has kids and who feels her family is complete.

BrownFootStool Tue 23-Feb-21 19:13:58

Maybe that is just his type. I have friends who would only date an older man and some who would only date younger. If otherwise he seems fine then I wouldn't worry about it-- plus you know you have/are something he really likes! I've also got a friend about 10 years younger who loves to date older women-- we aren't involved but at least I know he isn't negatively judging me for my age like many do, rather to him it is a bonus.

CallistoSol Tue 23-Feb-21 19:16:53

I'd give him a whirl. He's not exactly asking for your hand in marriage. He could be fun and a good shag. If not just ditch him.

Ikora Tue 23-Feb-21 19:19:47

If his reasoning is that a woman of 45 will be unlikely to manage or even want a child at that age then it makes sense. I suppose he may be petrified of being left again and also doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time including his if a partner suddenly chnaged their mind about having children.

Grenlei Tue 23-Feb-21 19:26:25

In light of his past experience it makes complete sense. He doesn't want to start a relationship with someone who is likely to still want a child, who may hope to talk him round to using donor sperm or whatever. Or who may not want a child but change their mind as 40 approaches for example - I have seen this happen.

If he was in some way fetishizing older women that would be different, but it sounds as though it comes from a place of self preservation.

And yes he could go for a woman of 35 who has kids and says her child rearing is complete, but there's always the risk of her changing her mind. With a woman of 45 up, she will either already have completed her family, or made her peace with not having one.

Magicalsundays Tue 23-Feb-21 20:01:44

agreyersky

As a women I give men who state they are looking for older women a wide birth. I used to ask they why they wanted an older woman as I was curious, and from their answers they had obviously fetishised older women into a 'type'. I just wasn't interested in that.

This is how I feel.

OP’s posts: |
NotAgainNoMore Tue 23-Feb-21 21:48:26

Well you know why OP, so I can't see a problem with this. Unless of course you think that's the only reason and secretly he'd love a younger woman? Does that make sense ?
Personally I wouldn't want to date a much older man as age catches us all up eventually but I'm early/mid 50's so age is more relevant - no retired gentle folk just yet, lol.

AnitaB888 Tue 23-Feb-21 22:15:18

Would you date someone who was very specific that they were looking for someone older?

Absolutely not.

They have already told you what they are looking for, so why waste your time when you don't fit their 'specifications' ?

RealisticSketch Tue 23-Feb-21 22:20:51

Maybe he just knows what would be a good fit for him. The reasoning you gave seems fair enough. He knows he can't father a child so ladies who are likely you want that won't be a good fit for him. If that's his reason and you have all the usual necessaries of good chemistry, similar priorities etc then why not?
If he's got weird niche fantasies that's another matter, but what you've said isn't suggesting that's the case. Give him a try.

JustAnotherOldMan Tue 23-Feb-21 22:36:33

Lots of guys in their 30’s like women in their 40’s, not really sure why, I know I did, something alluring about a more worldly woman.
Now I’m in my 50’s, I still feel the same and would like to date someone in her 40’s, not sure why why, just feels right

agreyersky Wed 24-Feb-21 12:00:37

not really sure why, I know I did, something alluring about a more worldly woman

Well, clearly not or you would consider the 50+ women even more alluring, rather than ' too old' . hmm

JustAnotherOldMan Wed 24-Feb-21 12:08:41

agreyersky

*not really sure why, I know I did, something alluring about a more worldly woman*

Well, clearly not or you would consider the 50+ women even more alluring, rather than ' too old' . hmm

I did not use the phrase “too old”, do not deliberately miss
-quote me

JustAnotherOldMan Wed 24-Feb-21 12:48:14

FYI, I’m early 50’s, so I would be looking kinda 45 to 55 these days

But when I was in my early 30’s, someone in their 50’s (more so later 50’s, )would be closer to my own mothers age

agreyersky Wed 24-Feb-21 12:57:18

*I did not use the phrase “too old”, do not deliberately miss
-quote me*

I did not misquote you. This is what you said Now I’m in my 50’s, I still feel the same and would like to date someone in her 40’s, not sure why why, just feels right

So you said you were in your 50s and wanted to date someone in their 40s. So someone in their 50s is too old for the age you are interested in.

JustAnotherOldMan Wed 24-Feb-21 13:08:25

@agreyersky

FYI, I’m early 50’s, so I would be looking kinda 45 to 55 these days

This is my quote from 12:48, you are deliberately taking words out of context

agreyersky Wed 24-Feb-21 13:23:30

JustAnotherOldMan

*@agreyersky*

FYI, I’m early 50’s, so I would be looking kinda 45 to 55 these days

This is my quote from 12:48, you are deliberately taking words out of context

No I was not.

Your quote from 12.48 is almost an hour after my post!

I do not know why you chose to change your report at 12.48 about the age range you consider acceptable, but at 12.00 I did not have the fortune telling skills to know you would change your narrative about your dating preferences.

I can only respond to what you had ACTUALLY said at the time I posted.

If that bothers you, tough.

Riapia Wed 24-Feb-21 13:26:08

Would you date someone who was very specific that they were looking for a non smoker?

Magicalsundays Wed 24-Feb-21 14:04:23

Riapia

Would you date someone who was very specific that they were looking for a non smoker?

Yes I would. But dating a non smoker I can see why - I personally don't like smoking, I can't stand it -so yes it is a deal breaker for me. One of my serious relationships ended -as he was an ex smoker when I met him and then went back to smoking. But this to me is a life style choice.

On dating sites you often see men in their 70s wanting a woman and set age range like 20-50. It's almost like they don't see the reflection of themselves. It's the ruling off I don't like -as in I must date an older woman -as in an older woman fits a certain brief for him. I don't know if I find it sexist, ageist or if I'm just wondering why I find it a bit ick -but I do.

I'm much older than him -I hit his brief. But I struggle to see why -does he think an older woman should be grateful to him? Issues with his own mother etc?

I'm still on the fence.

OP’s posts: |
JustAnotherOldMan Wed 24-Feb-21 14:33:42

@agreyersky

I’m not always close to my tablet, to post stuff so maybe thats why the replies seem out of sync
but to answer your question, yes my preferences have change as I get older, as I’m sure they will change again, but currently it’s about 5 yrs either side of my current age

ravenmum Wed 24-Feb-21 14:44:52

I wouldn't be interested if he had childish ideas about "cougars", likes the power balance of being the young one, or has mummy issues. But if it was really just because he wanted someone who definitely didn't want kids, and wasn't going to change their mind on that five years later, then that would make sense to me.

You could always try him out as a fun post-covid fling - or would he not be up for that?

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