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How to accept that this is my choice?

(47 Posts)
Drainholed Tue 23-Feb-21 05:18:34

I have two choices.
1. Leave husband . This means that the children and I would lose everything, we would at best be able to rent somewhere very small, so sharing rooms, not having space, rehoming the much loved pets and generally struggling to meet basic life costs.
2. Stay with husband. Accept that this means that I am drowning in unhappiness, but children have a stable home and pets are safe.

I've chosen option 2 and then there are nights like this when I'm in tears reading MN and just can't believe this is my life.

OP’s posts: |
gutful Tue 23-Feb-21 05:59:03

Oh darling....was all for option 1 until the pet rehoming.

Am not in your country but when I was in a refuge they offered to help board my pets. Luckily was able to take them to my folks.

But if not was allowed to board them for $10 a day at the RSPCA.

Can you call up a women's Aid service & see if any help can be had for your pets?

Alternatively do you have any close friends you can confide in who may know people who will offer to help take care of them for you?

mummyof2lou Tue 23-Feb-21 07:30:33

Why is it you want to leave?

category12 Tue 23-Feb-21 07:57:16

I'm sure there are other options. Maybe some medium term exit plans you can work towards, if not short term?

Can you tell us more about your circumstances? Do you rent or own together presently, do you work? Is he abusive?

arethereanyleftatall Tue 23-Feb-21 07:59:31

Switch to option 1. You don't lose everything. You gain happiness.

yahyahs22 Tue 23-Feb-21 08:06:04

Probably a silly question, but have you told him how you feel?

0rch1dF0REST Tue 23-Feb-21 08:53:19

Do you love your pets more than yourself ?

Why live a life where you are unhappy every day ?

LizzieBirmingham Tue 23-Feb-21 08:55:23

Is your marriage something that might be salvaged with therapy and work, or is he abusive / an irredeemable dickhead?

MrWendel Tue 23-Feb-21 08:59:20

I think you also need to consider the longer term. What happens when the children are older and leave home etc - do you intend to stay in an unhappy marriage then?

I do agree with PP that you need to make short/medium/longer term plans, including considering financial independence for yourself so that you can begin to think about leaving.

As someone who grew up with parents in an unhappy marriage (and who were both too stubborn to give up anything to the other, so never separated), please do not underestimate how much children pick up and how much they would rather have happy, separated parents. There were times when I literally begged my DM to leave. It is not a marriage if you are miserable.

Also - and I know I will sound callous - please do not put your life on hold for the family pets. Please don't.

Simma2 Tue 23-Feb-21 09:01:29

Why would the pets need rehoming?

AIMD Tue 23-Feb-21 09:04:20

Are the children really going to be happier with options 2. Yes they might have their pets and own rooms but if the home environment is negative or unhappy that stuff won’t matter.

Better to be sharing a room and happy.

Of course how you balance those 2 things depends on the specific circumstances.

Like someone else said though maybe you could work on a medium term plan. Start saving money if possible in a separate account, do what y out can you make your current life more joyful (obviously difficult at the mo).

jay55 Tue 23-Feb-21 09:08:48

How can you increase your earning power to make option 1 less of an extreme struggle?
Please don't feel like you only have two choices and that is it forever.

IndecentCakes Tue 23-Feb-21 09:12:20

It's difficult to give proper advice unless you are ok with giving some more details re: your marriage. What is happening?

category12 Tue 23-Feb-21 09:15:04

Are you there, op? Are you able/willing to outline your situation and talk about what barriers you have?

When you're in it, you can get locked into a mindset and see no options, maybe we could help?

ChrissyPlummer Tue 23-Feb-21 09:23:27

@Simma2 the OP says she would have to rent and most LLs don’t accept pets. Many flats prohibit pets altogether, even if an owner. Every flat I’ve lived in has had a blanket ‘no pets’ clause in the lease.

Sicario Tue 23-Feb-21 09:29:09

I went for option 1 and re-homed the pets. I realised how ridiculous it was to be worrying about two animals when I was drowning in a miserable abusive marriage. We project lots of feelings onto our pets and endow with with all kinds of human traits that make us feel better.

I love animals. I loved my pets. But I chose freedom. It really was a no brainer.

Trainerdilemma Tue 23-Feb-21 09:37:34

Why do you want to leave, op?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation Tue 23-Feb-21 09:37:37

This is the third time I've tried to reply to this, so apologies if there are double posts.

Depending on the animals it might not be that much of a problem. I have an elderly cat and 9 pet rats. Many landlords are happy to accept pets as long as you pay an extra damage deposit and agree to pay for a professional clean at the end of the tenancy.

If you're in an abusive situation, please don't put your safety and that of your children (physical and mental) below your pets.

As a PP suggested, if you post more about your circumstances we can give better advice. If you're not in danger but just don't like your partner, for example, you could look into ways to improve your financial situation so that when the kids are older you're in a better position to leave.

Labobo Tue 23-Feb-21 09:39:12

There are other choices, you know that, surely?

3.) Sort things out with your husband so your marriage massively improves.
4.) Leave him and take every step you can to get your family into a decent home with you earning a good income and hiring secure child and pet care while you are at work.

Not saying these are easily achievable but living in deep unhappiness isn't easy either.

category12 Tue 23-Feb-21 09:47:17

What about the option that he leaves and you & dc stay in situ?

filka Tue 23-Feb-21 09:52:28

Isn't there an option for your husband to leave the family home if you are the primary carer? I appreciate that he may not want to, but that's not necessarily how divorce works.

ChrissyPlummer Tue 23-Feb-21 09:55:35

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I think it is now illegal to ask for a larger deposit; a friend of mine was struggling as she had 2 dogs and a rabbit and no LLs would accept them and told her they weren’t allowed to ask for a bigger deposit.

geoblip Tue 23-Feb-21 09:57:05

I would not be doing choice 1 do not be the one to leave, kick him out if he's that bad, you and the children come first.

Drainholed Tue 23-Feb-21 09:57:19

Sorry I have been reading the replies just trying to put it into words.

I've made massive mistakes and as such I am completely financially dependent on husband, I'm not exaggerating to say I would have no money once I'd paid the rent deposit I'd lose my current job and getting another is tricky at the moment because of covid. Regards the pets a. Getting a place which allows them is unlikely but b. I wouldn't be able to afford them.
I understand that the kids maybe damaged by the relationship, but the statistics for the disadvantage due to poverty is shocking.
He is not physically abusive.

OP’s posts: |
Furgggggg12 Tue 23-Feb-21 09:58:25

Is he emotionally abusive?

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