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To go NC with parents?

(13 Posts)
aibu01 Mon 22-Feb-21 19:48:33

I’m new here but I need advice

I’m 18 and so is boyfriend and our daughter turned 1 at the end of last month. When I told my parents that I was pregnant they weren’t happy and they told me to have an abortion as dd could be autistic as my boyfriend is and that my boyfriend won’t be a ‘good dad’. I refused and I moved in with boyfriend and his dad and when I gave birth my boyfriend did a bit but he wasn’t that confident but by the start of March he was more confident. My mum also said that dd would embarrassed of him when she grew up.

On dds birthday my parents didn’t even send a card. A few days after my mum messaged saying that they didn’t sent dd a card as I’m still with boyfriend and that if I split up with him I would be able to stop dd from seeing him as the court ‘wouldn’t give him any access as he ‘doesn’t help out with dd’ but he does he baths her, feeds her, plays with her etc.

And my mum also said I don’t need another child to look after etc but He is a good partner for example this morning I had bad cramps and he got up with dd, gave her breakfast and went to the shop to get me some paracetamol.

WIBU? Any advice will be appreciated

OP’s posts: |
DaisyandIvy Mon 22-Feb-21 19:55:26

Sounds like he’s a great dad and you’re all happy. I would necessarily go no contact with them. My cousins parents despised her boyfriend. She married him anyway. Had DD. That was 30 years ago, they’re still happily married, DD has just completed a PhD and her parents grew to love her hubby.

Nanny0gg Mon 22-Feb-21 19:56:32

My objection might have been more to do with age than any autistic traits.

Are you two happy together? Are you planning a future together? Are you still living with his dad? Do either of you work?

It's nonsense that he wouldn't have access to his DD if you split up. There is nothing to suggest that he is in any way a 'bad' father.

If you two have plans for your future, you get on with them and start ignoring your unsupportive mother.

aibu01 Mon 22-Feb-21 20:56:08

Yes we're happy together. We're still living with his dad but we're saving up for our own place. He does work part time but I don't

OP’s posts: |
aibu01 Mon 22-Feb-21 22:39:10

Anyone else?

OP’s posts: |
JamieFrasersAuntie Tue 23-Feb-21 01:02:07

Your parents are probably quite worried about you and aren't handling that worry very well. I would be worried too.

You don't go no contact with your parents because they didn't send a birthday card or because they don't like your boyfriend. If you're upset about cards or lack of support you need to have a conversation about that.Losing contact with them would make you quite vulnerable I think.

Emmelina Tue 23-Feb-21 12:00:44

They’re worried because you have this adult grown up life now but no real home or income to maintain it. Let’s fast forward 15 years. Your daughter is now 16, brings a lad home with a part time and probably minimum wage job. She had hopes of going off to college and being this or that, but she’s suddenly pregnant and definitely keeping the baby and boyfriend in spite of your best advice. You’ve spent the past 16 years worrying about everything, she’s made mistakes, she’s been guided (and ignored your guidance sometimes too) countless times along the way. But she has the baby and moves in with the boyfriend at his dad’s place, from where he continues on the part time job that isn’t going to pay rent, bills and food for the three of you.
Fetching you some paracetamol when you’re crampy is a thing anyone should do. If you want your parents to accept he truly is the guy for you, he needs to get a full time job that will get you both into a home of your own.

aibu01 Tue 23-Feb-21 18:38:06

He was going to college but he didn't like it so he started working with his dad (this was before dd was born and after) but now he works part time. I'm going to college with dd gets abit older.

I thought my mum would be more supportive especially when she met dd but she rarely texts and even before COVID when dd was a few weeks old she rarely asked to see her. As boyfriends mum was quite angry at first (mainly at his dad) but since she met dd she's been supportive and has been texting boyfriend and she was seeing dd when she could

OP’s posts: |
LemmysAceCard Tue 23-Feb-21 19:23:04

Emmelina

They’re worried because you have this adult grown up life now but no real home or income to maintain it. Let’s fast forward 15 years. Your daughter is now 16, brings a lad home with a part time and probably minimum wage job. She had hopes of going off to college and being this or that, but she’s suddenly pregnant and definitely keeping the baby and boyfriend in spite of your best advice. You’ve spent the past 16 years worrying about everything, she’s made mistakes, she’s been guided (and ignored your guidance sometimes too) countless times along the way. But she has the baby and moves in with the boyfriend at his dad’s place, from where he continues on the part time job that isn’t going to pay rent, bills and food for the three of you.
Fetching you some paracetamol when you’re crampy is a thing anyone should do. If you want your parents to accept he truly is the guy for you, he needs to get a full time job that will get you both into a home of your own.

If they were that worried they would have supported the OP, not try to force an adult to have an abortion.

If they had been supportive, despite their feelings the OP might have stayed living at home where the could carry on “guiding her”

JamieFrasersAuntie Tue 23-Feb-21 21:04:49

The op is now 18 with a one year old so wasn't an adult at that time. She was a teenager with no means of supporting herself with a boyfriend who is autistic with no job.

Who in their right mind would support that.

Op give it time. They are likely very upset that you've moved out to live with boyfriends dad and actually I would question how sensible it was for boyfriends dad to have allowed this.

Your boyfriend needs a full time job asap.

aibu01 Tue 23-Feb-21 22:21:54

He is looking for another job. I moved in with his dad as he was supportive and my parents weren't and still aren't now. They call him a bad dad etc and in the summer my mum was quite rude to him, we were at my parents with dd and dd started getting grumpy as she was tired so he went to get her bottle and my mum asked me why he wasn't talking much apart from when they asked him a question etc and I told her that he doesn't talk much if he doesn't know the person/people well and then my mum started saying poor dd and that she 'wouldn't trust him with her' and then she said that he 'probably doesn't understand that he's her dad' (he does and dd adores him).

If she was supportive I wouldn't have moved in with him and his dad but she wasn't and still isn't a year later

OP’s posts: |
LemmysAceCard Wed 24-Feb-21 08:51:54

JamieFrasersAuntie

The op is now 18 with a one year old so wasn't an adult at that time. She was a teenager with no means of supporting herself with a boyfriend who is autistic with no job.

Who in their right mind would support that.

Op give it time. They are likely very upset that you've moved out to live with boyfriends dad and actually I would question how sensible it was for boyfriends dad to have allowed this.

Your boyfriend needs a full time job asap.

Who in their right mind???? Her bloody parents.

Not ideal having a baby at 17 but they forced her hand to move out and stay with her boyfriend and now will only forgive if she gives in to their demands.

altiara Wed 24-Feb-21 10:50:45

How often do your parents contact you?
Could you go very low contact rather than no contact? Just thinking it might be less stressful. I don’t know.

It does sound like your mum is waiting for you to crack and say you want to come home rather than be supportive.

Make sure that you get to focus on your education and getting a job as whatever happens you need to be able to support yourself and baby.
I wouldn’t want you to move home and then your parents try and wipe out all contact with your boyfriend.

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