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Should I be concerned

(35 Posts)
Harrypotter21 Mon 22-Feb-21 14:53:00

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now but I’m getting concerned for where our relationship is heading. My boyfriend divorced his wife about 9 years ago moved out and found his on place. But just before I started to date him he moved back into the ex wife house and she moved out due to not being able to financially able to run the home and placing herself in debt. I have been told my boyfriend will stay in the property for 3/5 years in order for her to pay off her debt and save money. But my concern is that she still texts quite a few times a week and she is still able to come and go to the property as and when she feels as there child who is 22 still lives there and she has to visit him as he gets upset when she doesn’t. He has no respect for my boyfriend and treats the house like a pigsty. The child in question does absolutely nothing all day and night apart from sit and play games and stream on his computer and gets treated like royalty for his laziness. I saw a similar post on here about a 21 year old man being treated like a prince and I can relate so much to this post as this is my situation right now. I’m even slowly losing respect for my partner for treating his adult son like a complete baby. But my partner and his ex wife are incredibly close and I’m starting to wonder if the wool is being pulled over my eyes . I have met the ex wife and she seems pleasant enough but something still doesn’t sit right with me. People say trust your instincts but am I trusting them or just looking for things that aren’t there . Please some good advice will be much appreciated.

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NotAgainNoMore Mon 22-Feb-21 15:57:54

Is it her house, mortgaged in her name only? Or the 'marital' home, which he still has a joint interest in? Can't really see why he would move into 'her' house and give his own up.
For what it's worth - I'm still living in the 'marital' home and there is nothing I can do about my exDH coming back to stay, which he does once in a while. It's a lot for a new partner to accept. There is absolutely no feelings there from either of us which some people find hard to believe. It really is a case of finances not being good, so can't sell and move on.
The son situation, well maybe his DF feels guilty about the divorce and is being soft on him. It wont do him any favours but it's not something you can get involved with.
Basically, you are not comfortable with this and you don't actually need any reason to end this relationship. He's basically in this situation for a few years, do you really want to wait for it to get better?

Harrypotter21 Mon 22-Feb-21 16:50:43

No the mortgage has remained in both there names as they thought this would be easier for all of them. The bills all still remain in her name too all my bf does is transfer her money every month so the bills and mortgage remain paid. Like I say she visits the martial home as and when she likes as did he when he originally moved out so they can look after there son between them . I don’t get involved with the son as that is not my business. And neither of them seem to want to help him become an adult and enjoy treating him like a baby so I stay well away from that I can only work with what I’m told and offered by my boyfriend. Anything can change at any given time and it could take the ex wife longer to pay off debts and save money. I’m was just doubting myself as to whether we could ever live together ourselves.

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imonyourway Mon 22-Feb-21 16:54:36

I think you need to be careful about why the 22 ds is still at home and being cared for. Chances are that if his parents feel he needs to be there and if his mum needs to visit to care for him, there's probably a lot of history and reasons that you are not aware of. After all, they are his parents and presumably know him best?

Bluntness100 Mon 22-Feb-21 16:59:00

Really if you don’t trust him and you dislike how he treats his son, you should end this relationship. It’s really not fair to stay in.

It’s their choice how they parent their son. Not yours. These things are never simple. It’s perfectly fine for her to visit her son in the family home. Expecting her not to because you’re jealous doesn’t really wash to be honest.

It doesn’t work for you so just move on, becayse you are not in a position to dictate how he treats his son or whether his ex is allowed to visit their son in the family home.

sunnydays78 Mon 22-Feb-21 17:02:09

I think it’s none of your business what the son does or doesn’t do. You can do anything to change it. What you can do is either accept the situation or chose not to.
The difficulty at the moment is life isn’t normal for anyone due to COVID.
Do you stay at this house or do you feel like you’re being kept away.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 22-Feb-21 17:04:26

Too much entanglement, too much faff, and a son who's going nowhere. I would be walking away from this mess.

Bluntness100 Mon 22-Feb-21 17:26:56


I think it’s none of your business what the son does or doesn’t do. You can do anything to change it. What you can do is either accept the situation or chose not to.
The difficulty at the moment is life isn’t normal for anyone due to COVID.
Do you stay at this house or do you feel like you’re being kept away.

This is also valid. As this is a relatively new relationship, only a year, then it’s predominantly taken place during Covid. Which will have impacted what the son can do.

Harrypotter21 Mon 22-Feb-21 19:04:54

Ohh Bluntness 100 your name serves you well. Not at any point did I say or have shown I was jealous of the ex I said I had met her and she was pleasant. I also stated it was none of my business about his son . I was asking for advice from adults not a petty minded keyboard warrior. I haven’t said she can’t go see her son either. Please read things properly before you pass judgment.

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Harrypotter21 Mon 22-Feb-21 19:16:36

Covid has not changed the way the son lives . He has lived in his room. Refuses any help that is offered and refuses to look for work since he was 17 . I if anything is concerned for his mental well being to live like that.

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Frazzledd Mon 22-Feb-21 19:20:31

If you think its 'none of your business' about his son, why the judgement?

Eckhart Mon 22-Feb-21 19:23:24

There are no 'shoulds'. If you think there are, who do you think is making these rules about how you ought to be feeling?

Harrypotter21 Mon 22-Feb-21 20:16:05

@Frazzledd where in my post am I judging . I was explaining. I have tryed to help the son look at the bigger picture of life. I’ve tried to explain there’s a whole new big world out there for him to explore. I’ve tried to help him with how he feels about himself and look at himself in a positive manner. But all he wants to do is lock himself away which he has been allowed to do. It’s not my business how they parent him but he’s an adult which everyone on here is failing to see .

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sunnydays78 Mon 22-Feb-21 21:14:29

“and gets treated like royalty for his laziness”This is judgemental.
Again op you have been in these peoples life’s for a year. It’s not your place to try and teach your boyfriends son any lessons in life.
Your original post sounds very judgmental and you’re subsequent posts are worse I think.
You say it’s not your place how they parent him, that’s the only thing I agree on.
22 years old or not they are his parents and it’s none of your business. If you don’t like it split up with his dad. After a year you can’t assume you know every about their past as a family or your boyfriends son.

Palavah Mon 22-Feb-21 21:19:38

Are they actually divorced? Unusual for the house to remain in joint names after they've split their finances. I'd wonder how entangled their money is.

I would find the fact that he's letting his son behave like that to be very off-putting.

Less concerned about the ex tbh.

NotAgainNoMore Mon 22-Feb-21 22:51:12

I’m was just doubting myself as to whether we could ever live together ourselves.
It sounds highly unlikely that would happen. In a few years the DS could move out or at least get a job. What's going to happen when the current situation ends? Could it happen again further down the line? Why don't they sell and split properly?
I would have serious doubts about this relationship and the fact that he is still committed to them. She must have quite a hold on him.
Move on, far too complicated.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a Mon 22-Feb-21 22:54:51

This is going nowhere op. Stop wasting your time

Harrypotter21 Tue 23-Feb-21 05:46:10

I can only assume they are divorced again I can only go on what I’m told . They have always claimed it was easier to keep the house in both there names after divorce as this would make things less complicated for there child if anything was to happen to either of them. No I have never claimed I know everything in the relationship or past history as I’m fully aware that it takes time to get to know someone. I was only asking for some outside advice as my friend said it was a relationship of convenience for him a kind of have your cake and eat it as he has full attention from me and ex wife. I’m don’t make judgment as some seem to have interpreted it in my posts. Just asking for some plain outside advice that’s all I’ve tried to do and take an interest in his sons life as that’s what you do when you take on a new partner with a child. You don’t just take an attitude of I’m only in it for you and I don’t give a monkey about anything else just concerned as to why he’s child is how he is . . .

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BettysButtons Tue 23-Feb-21 05:57:49

We all use our judgement to decide whether or not a situation is right for us.
In your situation I would run a mile tbh and leave them to their ‘arrangement’.
It sounds like they have got a cosy routine and their 22 year old ‘child’ might not be going anywhere.
Leave them to it OP. You deserve better.

BettysButtons Tue 23-Feb-21 06:00:27

I was only asking for some outside advice as my friend said it was a relationship of convenience for him a kind of have your cake and eat it as he has full attention from me and ex wife.

I agree with your friend.
This man is still attached to his ex wife.
Leave them to it.

ChristmasFluff Tue 23-Feb-21 09:59:27

OP, don't second guess yourself. You don't need the opinions of randoms on the internet, you already do not like this situation.

Trust yourself, have your own back, and end this.

Takebackthepower Tue 23-Feb-21 21:18:16

You dont seem to like his son much.. bit of a problem in itself

Pimsocloc Tue 23-Feb-21 21:58:03

How often is the ex wife there OP? It does all sound odd, as the son is 22, so surely they don't need to keep the shared/marital home? What is your partners interaction with his exwife like? Just a bit of chat a couple of times a week, or daily conversations? As their son is 22, it seems odd to need to have very regular interaction with each other.

PaterPower Tue 23-Feb-21 22:36:31

Their son could be dependant on them for years yet. If he’s not been in college / Uni and hasn’t worked for the 4-5 years since he stopped education then he’s not going to look great to an employer. He could be in that house until he’s in his 30s. Or older.

You can’t get involved in all of that, but you can figure out whether that’s a deal breaker for you. I think it would be for me, if I’m honest, particularly with the closeness to an ex.

Harrypotter21 Wed 24-Feb-21 04:28:35

@Takebackthepower how have you came to that conclusion. I’ve expressed how he is and I’ve explained how I’ve tried to help him not at any point have I said I don’t like him .

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