I'm not sure what this post will achieve, maybe just to get things off my chest as I'm sure my family and friends are completely fed up by now with listening to my ramblings.
I think I've hit a wall. I'm tired of life, heartbreak and having to get up and start again.
My ltr ended 5 years ago. Not my choice. It hit me hard and he left me in an absolute mess. We have a DC and I did everything I could to pick myself up and start again. I have my own home, a good career and a fabulous, healthy DC, so objectively I know how lucky I am and I'm so sorry if I come across as ungrateful, I really am trying to be more thankful for what I have.
What has followed has been a disaster. I met someone who turned out to be extremely emotionally and verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive. Once it reached that point, I ended it and got out.
I stayed single for a while, then met someone last year. We were together 6 months, but something seemed off from the start. He was hyper critical about everything I did. Totally lacking in empathy. Lots of weird, controlling things framed as trying to 'help' me. Lots of harshness under the guise of 'banter' so I was constantly accused of being too sensitive. I couldn't bring anything up that was bothering me as I was accused of starting an argument. Never anything particularly major and I hate arguing, but it always ended up with me being bellowed at. It ended a while ago and I have since found out he lied about something really big. Not just one lie, but many, many others - all to reinforce the original lie and make it seem more legitimate. This lie was told to make him appear as someone he was not. More successful than he was.
I did love him, but I know how pathetic he was now and that I could never have trusted him in the end. Plus the fact he was pretty horrible to me.
I'm just so sad. Sad that I'm 40 soon and I'm literally the only one in my social circle that is single. Sad that my poor DC won't have this wealth of family memories that everyone else around is building up as the years go on. Its just me and DC. He deserves more than just me. We've had some fabulous holidays together, we are such a tight team, and I do try to make everything we do special but I'm so sad for him that he's had this bitty, half family. No sibling to make memories with. I feel like I've let him down.
I feel like my life is at a complete standstill. Everyone around me is building their lives with their families and I'm just waiting for the point where I feel like I'm ok. I'm not. I'm so lonely. I've never been great with my own company and I'm tired of being on my own, meeting people who seemed so wonderful to begin with, then revealed themselves to not be very good people at all. Then having to deal with the heartbreak. I just want a happy ending. To have someone who genuinely cares about me and to share my life with. I do think I'm a pretty good partner, I'm kind, caring and generous and I really show people I love them.
I just feel like I'm failing at life. I know how maudlin this sounds and that I should be grateful for what I HAVE got and I am. I just feel like half a person.
If you've read all this self pitying nonsense, thank you. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just some reassurance that I won't feel like this forever.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Feeling lost and lacking hope.
MovingForwardish · 17/02/2021 10:29
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