| Start new thread in this topic | Watch this thread | Flip this thread | Refresh the display |
|
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.
Start using Mumsnet PremiumShould I be worried?
(48 Posts)Background info:
I am 6 months pregnant with our second child, we have been together 6 years, engaged 3 years and own our own house. Over the last few months, I have felt we have drifted and think this is mostly down to be pregnancy hormones and lockdown making us feel rubbish too.
I’m feeling a little bit worried and confused! Since lockdown started, HTB (husband to be) has always been to these “work meet ups”sometimes weekly to keep in touch with everyone, usually for a coffee and they have a separate group chat - he is the only male out of 3 people at these meet ups. It’s always been just him and a few girls which I have felt uncomfortable about but know it’s not something that should be an issue so just went along with it. They also have last night Zoom catch ups which I am never around as he does this in his office in our house.
There is one girl in his work (also in this group of 3) who he is really close friends with, Snapchat’s a lot and WhatsApp’s a lot but nothing has ever looked to me anymore than good friends. I’ve met her before, she came to our house to work once last year. She is engaged and has just bought a lovely house with her fiancé and we were invited to her wedding but it was postponed. HTB often tells me about how he thinks her fiancé can be not very nice to her so he always helps her with personal advice too... She is basically his best friend in work I would say. Lately, I became suspicious that he is only going for walks with her alone and not as a group. He is going for a “walk with work” today, however it seems to be just her alone. I know this as I saw a message pop up on his phone from just her (not in the group chat that they have) while they were deciding where to go with each other. So I imagine it is just my HTB and her going on the walk together. There was another time he went on a “socially distanced work walk” and it was only after it that I started to wonder if it was just those two rather than three of them. I’m sure last time it was only them two but I can’t be sure, however I can be sure this time! Am I silly to be feeling a bit shit about this, especially since she is engaged?
I haven’t brought it up as I always thought it was a few of them, it’s only today I am sure it’s just the two of them and I’m not sure how to bring it up to him. I’m also not sure if I will look controlling if I said it made me uncomfortable. I can’t stop him being close friends with a female colleague and wouldn’t want to but I’m worried it will end up more than that. I have anxiety as it is and sometimes fall into a depression so I am a very paranoid person and dont always know when I am being irrational.
It sounds a bit dodgy.
Why such a long engagement? Cold feet or something else?
@MrsTerryPratchett our wedding is booked for 2023 (we booked it last summer) but we wanted to have our second child before our wedding and trying for our second took longer than expected. We also want to save up more money before the wedding. No cold feet, just personal circumstances. X
I'd be worried x
I don't think this is acceptable. I'd sit him down and have it out with him. Ask him exactly what's going on. Tell him exactly what you have said here - whether or not it's innocent he should get that this is making you feel anxious and upset which isn't good for anyone - including his unborn child x
If you are in the UK, two is the maximum number for a walk OP, that might be why...
@PornStarOvaltini I didn't think of that... although I just know that I personally wouldn't go for a one on one walk with a male colleague regardless of whether or not 2 is the maximum number and I also know that he wouldn't feel uncomfortable if I did do that... no matter what the rules are, I just wouldn't do it myself. Although, I'm not really friendly enough with any male colleagues in my work anyway to even consider going for a walk with them, so I know it is different for me and easier for me to say that I wouldn't do it anyway x
Two bug red flags:
- he hasn’t been upfront about meeting up with / going for walks with just her.
- she has confided in him her relationship woes and he’s alluded to her HTB as being horrible to her.
These are subtle but clear grounds for an emotional affair, which may or may not lead further (or maybe already have). This combined with your sense of growing apart does suggest it’s possibly dodgy.
(big not bug
)
It's more than a work meet up, I think emotional affair
When you talk to him about it, I have the feeling he won't react well, accuse you of trying to control him but him being far too close to this woman, he should be focusing on you and your family.
i just know that I personally wouldn't go for a one on one walk with a male colleague
Gosh how odd.
You’re clearly the jealous type, you even are uncomfortable with his work meetings because it’s two women. Is there a chance he doesn’t tell you due to your insecurity and jealousy?
Op, do remember the term used for “mates” on here is “emotional affair”. Men and women cannot be friends. And if your partner pops to the shop for a pint of milk it’s highly likely he shagged the woman on the check out and the lollipop lady on the way back.
@Bluntness100 I bet you're a cheaters dream, so naive
Be calm, tell him your worries. Discuss your feelings, logical or not. Between the both of you agree, disagree that you are being illogical. Then remain calm and wait, see what emerges. You may decide you're over reacting, or not!
I don’t see anything wrong with him having female friends or going to work meet ups etc but what I would have a problem with is the level of contact! Let’s be honest it’s probably just been him and her for 99% of the meet ups and work walks with the 3rd person occasionally joining here and there.
I’m a believer of trust your gut instinct. I’m not saying he’s cheated - but the fact he’s probably lied about who he’s been with (saying three instead of two) tells me there’s a reason he’s lying. Again, not saying he’s cheated, but he may have crossed the line somehow.
You have every right to feel uneasy OP. Speak to him and ask him to keep the chats work related and you’re uncomfortable with him meeting her alone due to the lies.
It's a tricky one as you say he wouldn't feel uncomfortable if you went for a walk with a male colleague, so he trusts you? And people tend to judge by their own standards.
You say you wouldn't be comfortable going with just a male colleague but that is your decision and you can't dictate his terms of friendship.
Honestly, you are carrying his second child, you want a life, family, marriage together. Just sit him down, with your hormone head on and say "I am feeling crazy paranoid about X, I know it's irrational but could do with a bit of reassurance here. Lots of love your hormone crazy wife to be"
I understand paranoia, I got paranoid about H and his phone last year, we worked it out but last week just one incidence he finished working in his office I went up, monitors off as I got to the door he stood up and put his phone in his pocket and this flood of paranoia came back. I calmly explained how it looked from my point of view. And being a devoted H he said what could he do to help so offered to leave his phone with me during working hours downstairs. I of course declined but just his willingness to do so helped enormously. And that's what you need I think your HTB's reassurance that you are being a crazy hormone pregnant.
So talk to him. He is the only person who can help you out of this.
My humble opinion, sounds like he works with females, he us being open about what they talk about and he just wants to speak to another adult at the moment.
Honeysuckle21
*@Bluntness100* I bet you're a cheaters dream, so naive
😂 yes, that’s me,,
@Bluntness100
How rude of you!
Over the years he has had many female colleagues and I also have been friends with them after meeting them myself. I do get paranoid and I have reasons behind that (from previous relationships). My partner understands that and has always been open. This one just feels different though because throughout the whole of lockdown, I've been under the impression that it has been a group of them going for these walks. It's only now I have learned that it seems to be just him and her, which does worry me.
I came on here to ask for advice and support before I do speak to him about it, because I am aware that I can be paranoid and irrational. I didn't come on here for people to slate me for being "the jealous type"... I am and always have made steps to tackle my anxiety for this type of thing. This is why I am writing on here for advice and to make me think rationally first. If I was fully "the jealous type" I would be jumped straight away without asking for advice.
Please only write something here is you are going to be constructive!
@frozendaisy sorry, I must have wrote that wrong! He would feel uncomfortable... this happened at the start of our relationship 6 years ago when I still went for coffees with a male friend of about 10 years... he hated this so I stopped catching up with that friend, even though we had been friends since we were about 14...
It’s kinda weird that he’s hidden that it’s just the two of them tbh, surely rather than ‘work walk’ (which seems a bit deliberately vague to me) he’d just say ‘I’m off for a walk with Sarah’ or whatever her name is?
It’s nice to keep in touch with colleagues but tbf I doubt they need to spend that much time in touch together in person or texting about work issues.
I’d be upset about this due to the secrecy. Let’s be honest, at this point it’s nothing to do with work, it’s going for walks and messaging a good friend. Which is all well and good, but the fact he’s tried to conceal it would set my spidey senses tingling. DH and I both have very good best friends of both sexes and it’s all out in the open. I would be suspicious if he was doing this though.
It might be nothing, it might be that he just gets a lot of enjoyment from being with her and an escape from the stresses of home, it’s certainly possible to just be good friends with someone and nothing else. But why the secrecy?
I would say to him...
Oh you have that work walk today don't you, I would love to come with you I really need to get out this house and it would be great to be able to chat to other people.
You don't mind do you 😁😁
Watch his face
FebruaryJuly
*@frozendaisy* sorry, I must have wrote that wrong! He would feel uncomfortable... this happened at the start of our relationship 6 years ago when I still went for coffees with a male friend of about 10 years... he hated this so I stopped catching up with that friend, even though we had been friends since we were about 14...
Honestly I don't think you should have stopped, friends of 10 years, if something was going to happen surely it would of by then!
But say this to him then, "you know when you felt weird when I went for coffees with X, so I stopped because you are more important well I am feeling the same about Y"
What is good for the goose is good for the gander.
But it still stands, you need reassurance from him, so talk to him.
It sounds like they're very close friends, not just colleagues. They are meeting up as friends, not colleagues.
Is that a problem? Not necessarily. But I'd want him to be open about it. I wouldn't be happy with him pretending it's a group when it's not. That's suspicious to me.
Thank you @frozendaisy xx
| Start new thread in this topic | Watch this thread | Flip this thread | Refresh the display |
|
Join the discussion
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.
Join MumsnetAlready have a Mumsnet account? Log in
Compose Message
Please login first.