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Boyfriend on hookup site

(35 Posts)
Peace43 Tue 16-Feb-21 22:40:47

I think I know the answer to this one but before I say anything why don’t you ladies (and gents) tell me how this is going to go....
I met my partner (both were single) on Fab (a swingers hookup site) over 18 months ago. We’ve been exclusive since although we did consider including others for a while and created a joint profile on fab. We eventually agreed not to proceed. About 9 months ago I noticed via our joint profile that my boyfriend’s personal profile was still active. We discussed it, he said he wanted us to close the joint profile and I expressed my concerns about him still using his personal profile. He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone.
I had an idle curiosity last night (prompted by another mumsnet thread) to just pop onto Fab and see if he was still active and his profile was last logged into 16hrs previously. I checked again today and it was accessed 3hrs previously.

If I ask him about this what do you think he’s going to say? I’d just like to see the script in advance because I’m quite sure he’ll be convincing....

OP’s posts: |
Peace43 Tue 16-Feb-21 22:41:51

To add, I hadn’t been on the site in 9 months since we agreed to close the joint profile.

OP’s posts: |
MrsBerthaRochester Tue 16-Feb-21 23:40:11

I wouldn't trust any man I met on Fab. I been burned by that one after I found out my Fwb of over two years was not single at all but lives with his partner the entire time he was shagging me(and many others on various hook up sites)
If he was serious about the relationship he would have deleted the profile but he is keeping his options open. You know this. So what are you going to do about it?

Chocolate123 Tue 16-Feb-21 23:50:07

He's been active on the website at least twice in the past 24 hours. Regardless if he's just looking which I don't believe why does he need to look ? I think you know what you need to do

MizMoonshine Tue 16-Feb-21 23:59:12

I wouldn't be asking him.
I'd be taking his phone, screenshotting and then sending him the messages (which there will be) with a hearty fuck you.

seensome Wed 17-Feb-21 00:10:20

He did say he still looks on there... and never said he was taking it down. Not the best place to find a boyfriend.

GentlemanJay Wed 17-Feb-21 00:44:53

There are plenty of people who have found relationships on Fab. Some have formed joint profiles. Others (I know some personally) have then moved away from the naughty side of life on Fab altogether. This happens more than you think.

gnashingsalt Wed 17-Feb-21 01:04:04

He’ll probably say ‘this is who I am, as you know because you met me on a swingers site’

Josuk Wed 17-Feb-21 01:08:09

When you discussed it last time and he said he looks at profiles sometimes - did you ask him to close his profile?
If not - doesn’t him being on the website only proves what he already told you? That he goes there our of boredom (I presume) to look at profiles.

Of course that might not be the whole story. And the fact that it was Fab where you met is significant.
When either of you went on it - I presume it wasn’t to find a monogamous relationship. Swingers website isn’t really the obvious destination for that.
And then the two of you considered experimenting with others - actually swinging - for a while.
So clearly - both if you are (or at least were) looking for some experimentation and boundary pushing.
I think - it may be that he still wants to do that but for some reason isn’t comfortable raising it with you.
Or, maybe, he is just bored. It is lockdown, after all.

Given that both of you started in quite unconventional way - I’d not use a regular relationship yardstick here. I’d at least try to talk to him again. And ask him what is up.

RantyAnty Wed 17-Feb-21 02:28:02

If you don't like it, then just end it with him. Nothing to discuss really.

What is it really that you are looking for in a partner? Do you want a monogamous exclusive relationship or do you want to swing?

Itstimetoquit Wed 17-Feb-21 04:39:08

That site is awful,he's probably arranging meets!

SortingItOut Wed 17-Feb-21 07:41:47

I met my boyfriend on Fab, we were FWB to start with.
We both kept our Fab profiles but hid them once we were properly together but we still both logged in to see what was going on in the swinging world.

My boyfriend told me he looked at photos and stuff but never messaged which you cant do when your profile is hidden.

I used to log in to see who was local in case I recognised them, to look at photos and to read the forum.

About 3 months ago my partner deleted his profile completely. I've still got mine but it is hidden. I last logged in over a month ago just for a nosey.

Is your boyfriends profile hidden? If its not why isnt it? You can hide it and still do most things except message abd find out who is nearby.

You need a discussion with him about whats acceptable.
Have you even had the exclusive chat? Being boyfriend/girlfriend doesnt make you exclusive especially when you've met on Fab.

Peace43 Wed 17-Feb-21 07:55:00

We were both looking for casual no strings when we first met. We just got on really well. We were both keen to experiment and had some very clear discussions about boundaries. We definitely had the exclusivity chat. I don’t think we ever really discussed our respective Fab profiles, I’d just assumed.

OP’s posts: |
SortingItOut Wed 17-Feb-21 13:22:42

Nowadays everything has to be discussed when you enter a new relationship from exclusivity, to being on the apps, to what your relationship is.
Never assume, that is where wires get crossed

I've been cheated on and so has my boyfriend so when we agreed to have a relationship I raised the 'what constitutes cheating?' To make sure we were on the same page and luckily we are.

Some people dont see flirting or sexting as cheating, others do.
Some dont think an affair is a true affair unless its physical.

NotaCoolMum Wed 17-Feb-21 13:34:01

Ok maybe this isn’t very “cool” of “modern” of me to think but how on earth does anyone expect someone they met on a SWINGERS site to be a wholesome choice for a stable partner?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

youvegottenminuteslynn Wed 17-Feb-21 13:38:16

I expressed my concerns about him still using his personal profile. He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone.

Didn't you say this made you uncomfortable?

SoulofanAggron Wed 17-Feb-21 14:12:49

He said he just looks at profiles idly now and then but didn’t message anyone. I had an idle curiosity last night (prompted by another mumsnet thread) to just pop onto Fab and see if he was still active and his profile was last logged into 16hrs previously. I checked again today and it was accessed 3hrs previously. If I ask him about this what do you think he’s going to say? I’d just like to see the script in advance because I’m quite sure he’ll be convincing

I imagine he will just repeat that he just looks. You might want to see if there's a way you can access his email or Fab account so you can see if he also messages (seems likely.)

He maybe looks because he fantasises about you doing stuff as a couple again (just my experience with men.) Does he try and nag you to do this again?
-
Based on threads on here, there are also some guys whose response to you asking about this/saying you don't like it will be to accuse you of being controlling, maybe suspicious due to past relationships etc.

SortingItOut Wed 17-Feb-21 14:44:13

@NotaCoolMum Thanks for saying I'm not a wholesome choice 🤬

Fab is not just a swingers site, its a site to meet like minded people who are open about sex.

If you're an adult whether in a relationship or not you can make your own decisions about where to meet people and if you take it further.

Its not about being cool or modern, its about accepting other peoples choices and not being judgemental.

NotaCoolMum Wed 17-Feb-21 14:52:39

@SortingItOut I’m not judgmental- it makes no difference to me what people chose to do in their private lives- my point is that op said she met her DP on FAB “a swinger hookup site” (as she described it) and is now surprised that he is appearing to still be actively looking on the site.

minchinfin Wed 17-Feb-21 15:02:33

well she has obviously met a "like minded people who are open about sex" and he continues to be so.

I can't imagine men that choose fab as their dating app of choice are going to be interested in monogamy. I'd throw that one back in and start again OP if that's what you want.

SoulofanAggron Wed 17-Feb-21 15:20:48

I’m not judgmental- it makes no difference to me what people chose to do in their private lives- my point is that op said she met her DP on FAB “a swinger hookup site” (as she described it) and is now surprised that he is appearing to still be actively looking on the site.

It's no different to when we see threads on here where couples meet on Tinder and become exclusive, then the woman is surprised to learn that her OH is still active on Tinder. Once you're in a couple and exclusive/agreed not to do stuff by yourselves, looking at/still being active on dating/hookup sites is generally considered not ok.

SoulofanAggron Wed 17-Feb-21 15:22:32

I can't imagine men that choose fab as their dating app of choice are going to be interested in monogamy.

@minchinfin People can do stuff while they're single, it doesn't necessarily reflect what they'll be like in a commited relationship.

NewScone Wed 17-Feb-21 15:31:43

MizMoonshine

I wouldn't be asking him.
I'd be taking his phone, screenshotting and then sending him the messages (which there will be) with a hearty fuck you.

This.

minchinfin Wed 17-Feb-21 15:32:04

I disagree

I wouldn't see anyone I met on fab swingers as long term, monogamous relationship potential I am afraid. You can be as cool girl and sex positive as you like but nobody changes that fundamentally imo

NotaCoolMum Wed 17-Feb-21 15:33:10

Of course people can do whatever they like when they’re single, but you can’t convince me that someone looking for a committed relationship should be looking for it on a site KNOWN for swinging and be surprised that their partner is potentially swinging behind their back?! Doesn’t make it right at all, but it’s true.

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