Talk

Advanced search

Does having a bigger house = a better parent?

(61 Posts)
Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 20:54:03

Just that really.

I share care 50/50 of our 13 and 10 yo boys with my ex-husband. He lives in the former matrimonial home which is five bed, four bathrooms. He also lives with his fianceé.

The boys spend the other half of the time with us in a rented three-bed; myself, my fiancé, and their eight month-old half sister. They have their own bedrooms.

Ex is again applying for more custody.

Will the marked difference in their living arrangements be taken into account?

OP’s posts: |
DarkAtNight Tue 16-Feb-21 21:02:33

No, of course not!

WhatMattersMost Tue 16-Feb-21 21:02:34

I'm no legal expert, but I would say absolutely not.

SD1978 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:03:25

At that age their wishes will be more considered than anything else- it does sound quite cramped where you are- is there any plans to change that? I assume the other couple and baby are in one room, you in another and the boys in a third? If you all plan to continue living together, surely you'll need at least a 4 bed in the next year? Do the boys want to spend more time at their dads? That will be the crux of it really.

SD1978 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:04:28

Shoot- misread regarding the set up. Sorry! But really it will come down to what they want and it will be taken into consideration.

Lozzerbmc Tue 16-Feb-21 21:07:07

Im no expert but I dont see why it should. It’ll be about what the boys want and whats in their best interests.

Lottieeshborn Tue 16-Feb-21 21:10:30

I couldn't imagine so! It would be awful if it was and surely it would be a bit discriminatory would it not?
As long as the house is sufficient and they have a safe place to sleep etc, surely it doesn't matter?? I would be kicking up a right fuss if I found out it did though!
Also, just wondering how do they have their own rooms if there are both your boys, yourself and partner and 8 month old sister?
It shouldn't matter if they have to share a room too surely as they are both the same gender, similar age, etc?!? Myself and my little sister many years ago, always had to share a bedroom as my mum had a 2 bed terraced house (which she's still in now) and there were just me, my sister and my mum. So me and my sister shared and although we moaned about it a lot, especially as we got older, looking back most of my fondest memories were only made because we shared a room! Talking till late sneakily listening to the top 40 on a Sunday night, on our little radio, when we were supposed to be asleep, messing about and knocking each other off the top bunk, always arguing about who got the top bunk (i always won, big sister and all that haha). So glad we were together, made us so close especially when dealing with some of the harder things we had to in regards to my dad (now deceased). Anyway, I went on a complete tangent then. But I hope my answer made some sense haha x

Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:11:43

@SD1978 So at ours it is my fiancé and our baby in one room and the boys each have their own room. We plan to move on the next couple of years as we both work ft but four-beds are not cheap of course.

Boys are being drawn to dad more due to this difference in lifestyles which has always been the case since I left seven years ago. He earns well in excess of 100k pa.

OP’s posts: |
caligulascatharsis Tue 16-Feb-21 21:13:21

I work in this field. Can assure you it will make zero difference.

Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:22:09

@caligulascatharsis But their dad is using his wealth to entice them if that makes sense? Puts down everything we do because he can do better.

OP’s posts: |
caligulascatharsis Tue 16-Feb-21 21:33:36

Sorry I understand that he could make efforts to sway the children with his lifestyle, but in terms of cafcass etc considering just money/housing as one aspect of their assessment they don't care as long as both homes are suitable.

Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:36:34

@caligulascatharsis Thank you, I understand. Sadly money talks though eg hot tub, expensive holidays etc. I just don't earn enough!

OP’s posts: |
TeachesOfPeaches Tue 16-Feb-21 21:37:05

Size of house is irrelevant in this situation OP. Lots of kids never have their own rooms growing up never mind having two bedrooms each.

GrumpyHoonMain Tue 16-Feb-21 21:39:31

Make experiences with them don’t try to compete on material goods. Things like baking, cycling, spending quality time with them doing stuff they enjoy.

Silenceisgolden20 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:52:18

No

Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 21:54:01

@GrumpyHoonMain I agree. We do loads with them. We've booked a holiday to Wales in the summer hols (Covid allowing) but ex has said to eldest - and I quote - that it's "shit" and there will be nothing to do.

OP’s posts: |
Riojasmoothy Tue 16-Feb-21 21:59:00

Oldat40

*@GrumpyHoonMain* I agree. We do loads with them. We've booked a holiday to Wales in the summer hols (Covid allowing) but ex has said to eldest - and I quote - that it's "shit" and there will be nothing to do.

What an arse! Trying to ruin your children's enjoyment in a lovely holiday does not equal being a good parent.

Oldat40 Tue 16-Feb-21 22:08:24

@Riojasmoothy Thank you. It broke my heart because my lad was so excited about it. He helped to choose the location etc. I just feel like I'm not good enough as a mum. My ex constantly undermines me.

OP’s posts: |
SD1978 Wed 17-Feb-21 07:30:52

The ExH is the issue- he's trying to bribe the kids and unfortunately- if they are at an age that it's working- that's devastating for you. They will be taken into account what they want, more than his earning potential. All you can do is keep doing your best. You're giving them everything they need, and they will, eventually, come to see it. It's juts a shit situation until then x

litterbird Wed 17-Feb-21 07:39:20

May I be nosey here, shoot me down if you need to-with all his money, staying in the marital home and you ending up in rental....what happened with your share when you divorced? Apart from that your ex is being an arse and hurting your children and you. How horrible for your son to hear that about Wales. You will all have a brilliant time x

Amdone123 Wed 17-Feb-21 07:41:31

That's a horrible thing for your ex to say. He sounds deranged. Who says that to a child ? Your holiday will be fantastic. I've travelled all over and my best breaks are in Wales ! I love it, it's beautiful.
Your boys may be enticed atm, but believe me, you're the one they'll come home to.
Also, children are not stupid. They see and know more than they let on.
Keep on doing the brilliant job you're doing. It will all work out fine x

partyatthepalace Wed 17-Feb-21 07:48:22

Amdone123

That's a horrible thing for your ex to say. He sounds deranged. Who says that to a child ? Your holiday will be fantastic. I've travelled all over and my best breaks are in Wales ! I love it, it's beautiful.
Your boys may be enticed atm, but believe me, you're the one they'll come home to.
Also, children are not stupid. They see and know more than they let on.
Keep on doing the brilliant job you're doing. It will all work out fine x

I'd say this too - they will be enticed by the money, but they aren't daft and their father's poor behaviour will be registering on some level.

You can't compete on the bling, so be confident (fake it if you don't feel it) and just keep having fun with them in your way - they will pick up if you don't feel confident and that may make them doubt things) - they will miss the bling sometimes but they will enjoy their time with you too (don't forgot they will miss you when they are with their Dad too).

Your ex sounds like a tool. As the PP who works in this area says, the house is big enough for now, and the courts will see it like that.

Originalusername2021 Wed 17-Feb-21 08:09:13

I remember your other thread and I thought people were very harsh on it, I can’t see him getting more than 50/50 just because he’s got more money doesn’t mean that would be best for your boys. Hope it all goes ok x

Flyg Wed 17-Feb-21 09:59:34

You ex sounds like a nasty person, and if thats who he is the kids will see it for themselves.

wewereliars Wed 17-Feb-21 12:21:32

You ex sounds horrible OP, your children will see that for themselves sooner or later

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in