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Struggling with dm dying

(9 Posts)
JADS Tue 16-Feb-21 13:43:26

My dm died recently after a long illness and a slow, painful decline which has been going on for years. She didn't want to live anymore and spoke endlessly about this. I feel sad, but know that she is now at rest.

The problem is that my dad (who I am more like in personality) would like us to write something nice about my mum for the eulogy. She could be thoughtful and kind, she organised lots of fun activities, gave us a love of travel, history and art.

The problem is that we didn't really connect. She was full of advice that I ignored. She never wanted to do things together. I would spend time alone with my dad, but never with her. I recognise that I could be a difficult pain in the arse child too.

I'm not sure if the last few years of her being ill and miserable have coloured things for me. It felt like she gave up. My younger son has no real memory of her ever even speaking to him.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm not sure what to say.

OP’s posts: |
OnlyTeaForMe Tue 16-Feb-21 13:46:47

Can you ask other members of the family, or her friends, who knew her better to contribute their memories? Then perhaps you could use all those as the basis for the eulogy and then add (even force yourself to make up?) a couple of your own.

Sorry for your loss OP flowers

Bettysnow Tue 16-Feb-21 14:09:57

I wonder if perhaps part of you is angry with her because she did not want to live anymore and that is what might be causing the mental block as such? Knowing this must have been heartbreaking although i would say it was very likely it was the illness she didn't want to live with anymore.
My advice would be to sit alone for a while and cast your mind right back concentrate on who she was as a person. She clearly did her best and tried hard for her family thus offering advice and helping to nurture a love of travel, art etc. Ultimately it sounds as if she loved you very much and helped you become the person you are today. Look at who you are as a person. What are your strengths and achievements? You might have connected more with your dad but she also helped influence the human being you are today.flowers

Retrogal Tue 16-Feb-21 14:15:14

Focus on her love of art, travel, history and the good stuff she passed on to you. If you can come up with some good things, it might help you be more at peace with the more difficult aspects of her personality. Your DD might be having the same problem and looking for some help with it. It's not an easy thing to do.

Retrogal Tue 16-Feb-21 14:15:37

Dad not DD

CMOTDibbler Tue 16-Feb-21 14:24:18

My mum died last year after a 10 year decline with dementia which made her a rather unpleasant person in sharp contrast to her pre dementia self. It was really hard to look past that, back to who she was but now, 10 months out I can much more easily remember the real her.
For your eulogy I'd focus on the history and travel that she loved, and the happy memories there. Its given me great comfort to look at all the things from her earlier life as I've sorted through mum and dads possessions, as the photos really reinforce the happy times

JADS Wed 17-Feb-21 18:45:51

Thank you so much for all your input. This thread has helped crystallise a few thoughts for me. I have had a few thoughts about the eulogy and I am going to do it. I went for a socially distanced walk today with a friend that also helped me a bit.

@Bettysnow I did feel angry. Not with her so much, more with the situation. My parents are of the generation to never make a fuss. My mum in particular had a habit of not asking my opinion about medical things and then ignoring any suggestions I made. It was just her way. She drove my dad nuts in the same way (we are both medical scientists).

@Retrogal My mum was very creative and had quite an artistic nature. She made things that touched so many people. I shall write about that.

@CMOTDibbler I'm sorry about your mum's dementia. It is a cruel disease. My mum had some of the early signs too and I agree that made her more disagreeable and stubborn.

Thank you so much for all your kindness.

OP’s posts: |
crosshatching Wed 17-Feb-21 19:44:45

I am so sorry for your loss OP, for what it's worth I think my father went through similar when my grandmother passed away. I think he felt able to detach himself a bit from talking his mother as a son and instead spoke about her as the people at the funeral knew her. So he talked about her interests, travels and various jobs. He spoke about some of her favourite songs that were being played as part of the service.
Looking back now he's glad he did that because it gave him some emotional space from the really quite demanding person she had become in her last few years and he could see her again as a person in her own right.
I hope the funeral goes as well as it can. 💐

Barrantsvidal Wed 17-Feb-21 20:39:35

@JADS I am sorry you have lost your mum. Mine died at Christmas and it brings up so many emotions. Cut yourself a break and make sure you talk to your friends. Hugs xxx

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