Please I need advice, I don’t want to be like this

[jxllison]

I feel awful. I have a habit of getting black out drunk to the point I can’t seem to control my behaviour or remember much the next morning. Me and my friend went out with 3 boys and were in their car, I got so drunk and ended up having sex with one of them in their car whilst everyone else was there too. I know. It’s disgusting and so embarrassing. I can’t even remember getting home, I can’t remember having sex, I have flashbacks but they are very short and I’m trying to block them out as I am humiliated. It was consensual so I’m not way suggesting rape or anything as I know I’m a mess when I’m drunk and get very horny which is weird and quite scary. This is not the first time something like this is happened. I can’t help but feel a little taken advantage of though. I haven’t even mentioned the worst part and that is that I woke up Saturday morning and got sent a video from one of my boy mates, the sex was being recorded and there was a video of me giving oral and me having sex in the car. A boy who was in the car that I didn’t have sex with recorded two short videos like 6 seconds long each maybe but I felt disgusting and violated. I didn’t consent and I didn’t know. The flash was on but I promise I didn’t know it was being recorded. I don’t know how many people have it. My ex found out and blocked me on everything and called me a dirty whore which is fair enough I guess but that isn’t what I want to be like. I don’t know how many people have seen it and I can’t report it as nothing will be solved and it’d give the situation more attention and god knows who could still have the video. I know at least 5/6 people have it and things like that get sent on and on. One of the people that has it isn’t very fond of me either. I just feel like a total mess and my actions when I drink get so out of hand. I knew other people were in the car but I must of not cared. Me and my ex have broken up for over a year but we’ve been a contact ever since then still and been sleeping together. I feel awful and bad for him that he had to see that. He doesn’t love me anymore but we used to talk a lot and I feel so bad for him. He’s been ignoring all my messages and blocked me like I said. Fuck I’m rambling I just don’t think there’s any coming back from this. The videos aren’t graphic at all and you can’t see my face but people know it’s me. No one I know has said anything to me so I don’t think it’s got around that many people thank god. I need to change and be a better person and not so much of a slag.
There’s nothing I can do now I guess but I want to change what people think of me but it’s not possible. I’ve got a name for myself previous to this I think, I don’t know. I’ve slept with 16 people in just over a year and I never used to be like this before my ex. When I was with him it was just 3 people (including him) and now I’m a complete slut. I think it’s how I’ve been coping but that’s not an excuse. I want to change peoples perception. Especially my exes, I never want to be with him again but I want him to be proud of me and think I’m a good person again. He called me vile and said stay out of my life. Everyone’s seen your true colours... any advice would be accepted please don’t be too hard on me.
I’m 21 btw

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

The common theme of your story seems to be based around drinking, and the results of drinking too much. I’d advise you to cut right back and/ or stop. Then work on building up your self esteem.

Good luck.

Is this all playing out at the moment, because it’s a sure fire way of contracting COVID... and is against government advice.

[WhatTheActualFreshHell]

Stop drinking.

[theculture]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, so tough for you to write about,

It sounds that with the black out drinking you are in situations you can't control so best to start there? What do your friends do , try to stop you? Can you find other ways to socialise for a while if you can't stop - sport etc

Please try to speak to a councillor (talk to GP?) as your self esteem sounds very low

Hugs

[RJnomore1]

Firstly there is nothing wrong with sleeping with 16 people and it does not make you a slut. Your ex is not a good person and you need to find a way to stop worrying about what he thinks.

However you obviously feel out of control and making poor decisions which is worrying. Can you try talking to your GP about things and seeing if you can get some help with how you are managing your emotions? Some counselling would help you work through what is happening.

And what the poster up there said about Covid if you are in the uk.

[Toomanyparsnips]

I used to be a bit like you when I was younger, and it was sheer luck that I never found myself in the situation you're in. When I was in my early 20s I moved to live and work somewhere rural, I found some physical outdoor hobbies I loved, I learnt to garden...these things increased my self esteem hugely and without really planning to, I was drinking far less and not getting in messes every weekend anymore. Also my social circle completely changed, so I was no longer having to get drunk to feel ok about being with people who didn't really like me (and who I actually didn't really like either, but I didn't think about that at the time).

You deserve better than this from yourself, but you have to find a way of liking yourself more before you can believe that. I wish you luck

[AssassinatedBeauty]

I agree with addressing the drinking, that is clearly the start of the sequence of decisions that you want to change. What is the trigger for the excessive drinking? What could you do to stop before you get to the point of losing control?

Next, work on not caring about the opinions of people that don't know you and are judgemental and sexist. You're not a bad person, or vile. You have made some decisions that you aren't happy with, that's all. You can change that, and move on from it and from those judgemental people.

I would also recommend properly ending things with your ex. He is using you for sex, and that won't be helping your self esteem. It's no business of his what you do if you're not in a relationship and you don't need his negativity and unpleasantness.

[Sleepingdogs12]

Hi, if you are so drunk you don't know what you are doing and don't know what is going on around you that is not consensual sex. It sounds like such a vulnerable situation to be in. Please seek help for your drinking .

[Iceskatingfan]

Stop calling yourself misogynistic names like slag and slut for a start. It’s ok to acknowledge that you want to make some changes in the future, but don’t beat yourself up about what has already happened as you can’t undo it anyway.

You have unfortunately been taken advantage of in that you did not consent to be filmed or for the video to be shared. So it’s not crazy to feel this way. And it’s sadly not uncommon for this to happen to young women these days. However I’m not sure there is a lot you can do about it now other than report it, which may bring its own problems as you say.

My best advice like others have already said is to stop drinking. Only you know whether you are someone who can choose to limit your drinking to sensible limits or whether you can’t stop drinking until you black out, but from what you said it sounds like the second is a possibility for you. And I would give some serious consideration to stopping drinking altogether for the time being anyway. I would also strongly advise that you get some CBT type counselling also as you seem to have a lot of negative self talk. That might be part of depression or alcohol addiction issues or simply a low self esteem but I do think it would help you.

Talk to yourself the way you would to your best friend. What advice would you give her in this situation?

[AnitaB888]

OP,
It seems to me that you are depressed over your breakup and are using alcohol to self-medicate. This is a recipe for disaster.
I am sure you know that you are engaging in risky behaviour that could end up with you getting raped, assaulted or being slapped with a fine for breaking Covid rules.
Please call AA and get some help before you end up as another statistic.

[bebarkered]

Hi OP. You're not a slag or a slut. You just need to top up your self esteem. Firstly start by realising that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, it matters what YOU think. X

[Iceskatingfan]

Also as others have said, forget your exes, nobody’s opinion matters except your own opinion of yourself. Make yourself proud. And do get an STD test plus get the morning after pill if you need to. COVID is potentially the least of your physical health worries at the moment. Then draw a line under this if it’s not how you want to live your life, and make a change starting by giving up the alcohol.

[Weirdfan]

Sending you a massive hug OP, you are not a slag or any of the other horrible names you call yourself (stop it!) and you absolutely can come back from this. Later in life you'll look back and realise two things, this is all about your self esteem and your ex has a lot more to answer for than you can see right now. Remove him from your life and focus on building your self esteem instead of using alcohol to blot things out, start treating yourself with the love and care you deserve

[Treebranch]

there is nothing wrong with sleeping with 16 people and it does not make you a slut.

This. If someone sent me a video of someone I knew having sex, I would only judge the person sending the video. Those boys sound horrible. I'm sorry that happened to you

[DinosaurDiana]

You really need to find some self worth 💐
You have broken up with your ex over a year and yet you are still sleeping with him ? No, no, no.
You want to change people’s perception ? What you actually need to do is to change yourself.

[Cpl1586407]

Stop calling yourself horrible names! You can sleep with as many ppl as you want. I do think those boys took advantage of you though. You consented when very drunk, but would you have consented if you were sober? They don't sound like good guys anyway, they shouldn't have been recording video, that's not fair.

Also, who cares what your ex thinks? Your value as a person is not based on whether he is proud of your or thinks you are 'good' or whatever. He shamed you, and shame on him for that. He's not your friend.

[Greenevalley]

Whilst there's nothing wrong with sleeping with 16 people you are obviously not happy that you've done so.
This is definitely a self esteem problem fuelled by drink.
Put yourself first.
What would you enjoy doing that doesn't involve drinking?
Spend some time on yourself and workout how you would like your life to be.
Try not to put yourself in a situation where you're vulnerable.

As for your ex he is not concerned for you so ignore him. His opinion doesn't matter. Can guarantee he wouldn't call out a male friend for the same behaviour.

[RantyAnty]

@Toomanyparsnips I'm glad you shared this. sometimes a new environment is exactly what is needed.

OP consider moving away from where you are. You can start counseling and AA in a new environment.

The situation you are in and most likely some of those friends and your ex are toxic.

My DS was on a toxic road and he moved across the country and I believe it saved his life.

Something to think about.

[PlinkPlink]

I'm so sick of women being shamed for having a sex life.

No one who is worth it will give a shit about how many people you have slept with.

As above, you sound like you're self medicating with drink. Seek help from your GP if you can.

Everyone makes mistakes. There always something in someone's life that they're ashamed of or wish hadn't happened. What matters is our responses to those mistakes. You're only 21 and you're gonna fuck up a whole lot more over the next few years. It's how we grow and learn as people.

Don't ever feel ashamed for having sex with people.

Don't ever feel ashamed for having something happen to you that was against your will (the filming and sharing is disgusting and those people should be reported).

[CatsNotDogs]

You poor, poor thing. I just want to give you a hug! Be nicer to yourself OP you are still so young. I can't tell you how many times I've got so smashed I haven't sobered up for days! We all fuck up! It sounds like you need to cut a lot of people out of your life and try to form a better social circle. I know it's easier said than done but maybe a fresh start somewhere new would make it easier to put all this behind you is that possible when the world opens up again? What you need is a goal and something to aim for. Maybe a college course or job prospect? X

[DanniM1986]

I’ve been where you are. I was so desperate to find love I slept around A LOT. Drinking, drugs, people talking about me behind my back. It’s not worth it, stop drinking NOW! I’m sorry your feeling this way but your not a slut at all, your entitled to a sex life. Just be sensible

[AbsitivelyPosolutely]

Deny and ignore the videos.

Stop drinking.

[bringbacksun]

I also did a lot of things I wish I hadn't when I was you age fuelled by drinking. You need to stop drinking. Stop going out for a while and certainly with this crowd. If you do go out, at least consciously account for what you're drinking and know your limits. Surround yourself with trustworthy friends who can help you and you can look out for each other.
As PP said, sort out your short term health (STI checks and morning after pill) and avoid breaking COVID rules (assuming you are somewhere where they are in force).
As for the videos, you can't control what happens to them unfortunately. If anyone says to you about them, tell them you were in a very bad place. Try and brush them off and rise above. It will be hard but you can do it.
The number of sexual partners is not an issue but it's clear you are not happy. TBH, this number is no-one else's business so just think of it as experience.
Good luck. Keep posting here for support. Find some real life support too if you can - professional or a trustworthy friend.

[category12]

First off, stop beating yourself up. You need to be kind to yourself.

If you had a friend who this happened to, hopefully you'd be kind to her and try to make her feel better? So be your own friend, and start being constructive instead of calling yourself names.

First thing you need to do, is stop drinking. Yes. Especially if you perhaps use it as a crutch socially? Getting blackout drunk is no fun really, and the consequences are shit often.

If you're the sort of drinker who can't stop once you start, you have to stop starting.

[Ghd8]

Be responsible and don’t meet anyone outside your household, let alone meet 4 others and spend the night crammed in a car with them with no social distancing and having sex! There’s a pandemic and you are helping if to spread. I’m surprised not everyone has said this. It’s serious and killing thousands. I’m sure you’ve complained about the restrictions and lockdown, people doing stuff like this is literally the reason why it’s not gone yet.

And once this is over stop drinking and find new friends. If your friend didn’t try to look after you that night she’s not worth it either. I’ve got too drunk when I was younger and kissed people I shouldn’t have so it happens to a lot of us so don’t worry but those lot really aren’t worth it. Maybe move away and go to Uni or study instead?

[123344user]

It doesn't sound as if you've done anything to hurt anyone. Being undignified and indiscreet, it's not ideal, no, but it doesn't make you a bad person!

Sounds as if the only person you need to answer to is yourself, as you're doing things you later regret.

OK. Which of your friends say that the boy shouldn't have had sex with you when you were very drunk and in public, and that the people who filmed it and sent it round did a horrible thing, and THEY are the ones who should be most ashamed?
Your friends who say that - are likely the ones you want to keep.
Arrange safe and sober things to do with them. Block anyone who is malicious (eg your ex).

And think about what you want to do in your life and get started on it, so you can look back on each day with satisfaction, because you've being doing what YOU want.

Good luck!