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Why would partners ex block me?

(29 Posts)
Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 10:23:35

I noticed today that my partners ex of more than 6 years ago blocked my business page on Instagram. I know this as went to comment on something and saw her comments were no longer there. (mutal friend) I got curious who doesn't do the odd spying every now and then we all human. Went on my other account and she has blocked me. I don't have pics of me or my partner on there just few of the kids mixed in with my business stuff.

I'm insecure as I think our relationships over lapped but never had 100 percent on that just heard bits here and there and she would text and call in middle of the night for first year. I've never spoken to her or anything. About to get married this year and this is just niggling at me more than it should.

I have a great life 2 kids lovely home I feel I'm over thinking things big time.
I know she lives where we have moved too and know one day we will probably see each other in the shops it's small place.

I fear all the time I'm going to hear something from partners mutal friends it's always them that say stuff like oh I remember when so and so wouldn't stop msging when you guys were dating really strange stuff and I have to sit there like what even happened.

Anyone she'd light why they'd do this I'm surprised they even knew that was my account doesn't have my name just my business

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Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 10:30:46

Working out the motives of a relative stranger is fruitless. How will you ever know if you've got the right answer?

The real problem here is that you don't trust your partner and it's niggling you, based on your prior knowledge of him/her.

Stop minimising your feelings. You have niggles about your fiance(e). You have to deal with those niggles or else you will be marrying those niggles. The fact that something so small as this can trigger the niggles signifies how close to the surface they are for you. Stop ignoring how you feel. Something inside you is saying 'this isn't comfortable'. It could be that your partner is cheating, or it could be that you're not in a place to trust, at the moment. But you need to get to the bottom of that in order for you to be happy, going forward.

NeverDropYourMoonCup Fri 12-Feb-21 10:32:26

Could she have blocked you because she doesn't want to be reminded of how her partner cheated on her each time she gets tagged in something? Especially now you appear to be getting the happily ever after she didn't? AND you've now moved to where she lives?

It makes sense for somebody in that position to just cut the majority of the reminders out by just blocking anything to do with it.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 10:33:38

I'm insecure as I think our relationships over lapped

Feeling unsafe in a relationship based on the fact that you think your partner is the type to have affairs isn't insecurity, it's common sense. It's your instincts telling you 'You are not safe here! Do not trust this person, they have a poor track record!'

2typesofjungle Fri 12-Feb-21 10:36:03

She doesn't want to see your Facebook, that's why. It's probably so she doesn't have your photos etc pop up all the time. I've noticed that I 'hate scroll' 2 certain people (other local mums that bullied me last year) and I'm considering blocking them to save myself. I've removed them from my newsfeed but I seek their pages out because I'm a glutton for punishment.

Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 10:43:52

I don't have fb and the mutual friend is partners family so she still comments have them on there so don't think it's that. I saw her profile for first time today and loads pics of ex and his family on there. Doesn't look like she had a partner since. Posts a lot. I don't have me on my partner on my page it's a business account just odd pic of the kids with the products. Guess I'm just paranoid.

I've tried bring it up but my partner gets angry and defensive at my distrust

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Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 10:45:49

I think it doesn't help that she's beautiful and I feel she's the one that got away. I've had two kids don't feel attractive right now shouldn't have looked 😂

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Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 11:07:18

My mind is spiraling now. What would I even say to my partner I sound so over the top that I know that.

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Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 11:12:44

Guess I'm just paranoid

I've tried bring it up but my partner gets angry and defensive at my distrust

Right. This is an unhealthy relationship. His focus isn't on supporting you and wanting you to feel good. His focus is on doing whatever he wants, and disregarding your feelings if they get in his way.

That's why you're feeling uncomfortable.

People can't choose how they feel (otherwise everybody would choose not to be annoyed by the noisy neighbours, or choose not to have a crush on their boss, etc) Your feelings are what define who you are. The uncomfortable part of you is the real you; you are surpressing her, silencing her, ignoring her, minimising her. Start listening to her and your self respect will go up. This is the pre-cursor to your insecurity diminishing. The first thing to listen to her saying is what you've posted about: 'Ugh, I don't feel comfortable. I think he might be the unfaithful type.' Whether you feel this way because he's unfaithful, or because you are paranoid DOES NOT MATTER. You are who you are. You are the right level of paranoid for you. Respecting this fact will ensure that you find a relationship that meets your emotional needs.

Don't try to regulate your feelings to suit somebody else's behaviour. Find the people to surround yourself with based on the feelings you have.

So, listen to this inner voice:

Ugh, I don't feel comfortable. I think he might be the unfaithful type and respond to it. Get rid of him. Find somebody who makes your inner voice say 'Yes. I feel lovely around this person. I feel like the person I really am. I feel accepted and respected and cherished.' Please don't marry a person who gets angry when you try to express how you feel. How do you expect your emotional needs ever to be fulfilled if you do?

SendMeHome Fri 12-Feb-21 11:15:53

You don’t. He can’t control who she’s blocked. If you think he’s cheating, that’s a different conversation and it doesn’t involve her blocking you.

She likely doesn’t want to see your posts everywhere. @NeverDropYourMoonCup has nailed it. She’s choosing to stay in touch with his family and that’s fine, if they know each other and they’ll are happy with it, but it’s different to stay in touch with you.

In all likelihood, she doesn’t want to see comments from the woman who had an affair with her partner... and she wants to be able to talk to his family without seeing your comments there too.

Deal with any issues with him separately, but there’s nothing you can do about this. It feels horrid to be blocked, but in this case, she’s unlikely to unblock you. It’s a relatively tiny consequence to what happened... try to forget it.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 11:17:48

Whattodotho

My mind is spiraling now. What would I even say to my partner I sound so over the top that I know that.

You calmly say 'I don't feel comfortable in a relationship with a partner who gets angry at me when I express my insecurities.' There is no drama or blame in this statement. You don't have to detail anything. In fact, you shouldn't.

How he responds will tell you everything.

He doesn't care about sounding 'over the top' when he gets angry without justification, does he. And you just shut yourself up and accept it, blaming your own emotions for his anger.

What do you think he would say to you, if you said that sentence, just out of the blue, whilst you were sitting watching TV calmly together?

Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 11:18:07

Just want to clarify I didn't know if he was with someone at the time. Its only after moving in being together this popped up. I still don't know this it's in my head and from stuff his friends have said when drunk

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HighSpecWhistle Fri 12-Feb-21 11:18:07

Eckhart

*I'm insecure as I think our relationships over lapped*

Feeling unsafe in a relationship based on the fact that you think your partner is the type to have affairs isn't insecurity, it's common sense. It's your instincts telling you 'You are not safe here! Do not trust this person, they have a poor track record!'

This. You think you were the OW for a year. And still clearly haven't had confirmation from your partner on this so no wonder you're feeling insecure, anyone would. It's very possible you've made a life with a cheater and a liar.

She can have when she wants on her social media. Maybe you bring up too many bad memories for her. I wouldn't want to follow or be friends with someone who my partner had an affair with (even if you werent aware at the time).

You have two options...

1) talk to your partner again about what happened. And ask him if he knows why you've been blocked. Although chances are he either doesn't know or wouldn't tell you.

2) forget about it and move on.

Whattodotho Fri 12-Feb-21 11:20:24

I'm so confused she would ring and msg after knowing we were engaged and he would delete msgs ect and just say she was crazy which now I know is red flag. I really can't move away I come from very poor back ground no family, don't drive on lock down if I being this up and it goes mental I have to lie in the mess so to speak.

I have two daughters we are well off it's my own ego I am struggling with I think

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Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 11:22:37

Whattodotho

Just want to clarify I didn't know if he was with someone at the time. Its only after moving in being together this popped up. I still don't know this it's in my head and from stuff his friends have said when drunk

Can't you see that it doesn't matter where it's from? It might be fiction, it might be fact. But it's in your reality. 'I think my partner might be the unfaithful type' is something you need to address before continuing with the relationship.

If his friends have said it, you have an inner decision maker, who could have said at the time 'Nope. I trust him. What they're saying isn't true. The end.' But that inner part of you has chosen to run with not trusting him. If you can't trust him, it doesn't matter if he's guilty or not. It doesn't matter if you're paranoid or not. YOU DO NOT TRUST YOUR PARTNER is the problem.

Alexandernevermind Fri 12-Feb-21 11:25:35

I got curious who doesn't do the odd spying every now and then we all human. I do the same, if there is a niggle about someone, whether it is personal or professional, I do a social media search on them, she probably does to, which is why she blocked you.
Also, if there was a cross over then the last thing she wants to see is evidence of your success.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 11:34:46

I know is red flag

A red flag isn't someone else's behaviour. A red flag is a feeling that you feel. Your red flags are yours alone. If you get uncomfortable seeing people play tennis, because you were once beaten up by a tennis player, then you will feel a red flag when you find out that your partner plays tennis. If you feel it strongly enough, and they insist on triggering that red flag, rather than finding a way to compromise so that you can both get what you need, then you are not compatible with them. Do you see what I mean? Playing tennis isn't a red flag or a bad behaviour, but if you had a boundary there, your partner still would need to respect it, and you would still feel the 'red flag' feeling.

You are feeling the 'red flag' feeling. That's why you've posted. Whether he's done anything wrong or not, something about his life is pushing your boundaries too far. Respect the red flag feeling.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 11:37:08

it's my own ego I am struggling with I think

A healthy relationship boosts the ego of both parties. You don't have to leave him or move away to face any of this stuff. It's a change of mindset and emotional engagement. He doesn't even have to know, and I doubt he'll pick up on the fineries of your emotional well being from 'signs and symptoms'.

Meowtha Fri 12-Feb-21 11:40:37

I've blocked several of my own and DH's exes. I don't want anyone snouting about on my SM, as I know one of DH's exes has. My life is none of her business.

FakeRealist Fri 12-Feb-21 11:41:59

Oh God OP, I've been in a very similar situation, and I think you need to get out.
My partner got angry and defensive because it deflected me from being too close to the truth - that the ex was still very much involved. I suspected as much, and when I told him of my suspicions, after the almighty tantrum, lo and behold, she blocked me....... Coincidence?! No, it was because he'd told her of my suspicions, he'd told her to not tag him in anything (even to do with his kids) and remove any link of them together so that I (and as it turns out future 'marks') wouldn't have as much foundation for our suspicions. He threatened to withdraw from their relationship (that he insisted was over) if she didn't.
I know all that because when he tried coming back to me he did the same.
The anger and defensive attitude was deflection away from the actual issue, knowing it'd put me off balance, in the same way that he turned it around to say I was cheating - it makes the argument over something completely different and got him off the hook at that time.

"I've been cheated on in the past and so of course I'm paranoid you're cheating on me, I'm totally justified in behaving this way, you're the unreasonable one for not understanding that, and for expecting to have your insecurity treated the same way I expect mine to be"

The ex is clearly still involved, and is probably being held over a barrel by him to hide that from you to make his life easier.
When she wises up to that she'll probably lash out, and you may well be on the recieving end, suddenly put in the full picture in a painful and heartbreaking way.
I'd get out now, from everything you've said you're not comfortable, you have misgivings, there's glaring red flags. They're there for a reason, I ignored them and paid the price.
Please don't make the same mistake, it'll be really hard and hurt to do it, but it's going to be really hard and hurt anyway from what you've described, but at least you will waste less time and emotion, and be making the decision yourself rather than picking up the pieces when it all goes boom around you.

Marineboy67 Fri 12-Feb-21 11:45:36

Your more than likely overthinking this, bit of time on your hands and becoming slightly obsessive.
I blocked my ex on all social media platforms because I don't want her chipping in and nosing in on my life. Likewise I'm not interested in what she's doing or sleeping with. I've done the same with my girlfriends Mr Suspicious ex army officer Freemason wants to know the insides of a ducks backside. People have a right to privacy for the very reason that others others have an obsession for wanting to stick their nose in.
Concentrate on your own life and stop punishing yourself looking at others.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 12:11:36

@Marineboy67

Your more than likely overthinking this

There are glaring causes for alarm here, not least that he gets angry and defensive when OP talks about her concerns. He's not interested in reassuring her. Thinking too much isn't the issue. Ignoring feelings, is.

YoniAndGuy Fri 12-Feb-21 12:20:49

She isn't the problem, the fact that you're engaged to a guy you were probably the OW for, who goes on the defensive and attacks you when you try and discuss your fears - that's the problem.

And if the children are his, and you're still only 'engaged' - then that's also a problem perhaps. Are they his?

dontdisturbmenow Fri 12-Feb-21 12:28:01

She signed up on your account to spy on you,maybe plan to see I formation she could use to her benefit etc...

She's now moved on and died t care any longer.

It's good news.

Eckhart Fri 12-Feb-21 12:31:12

dontdisturbmenow

She signed up on your account to spy on you,maybe plan to see I formation she could use to her benefit etc...

She's now moved on and died t care any longer.

It's good news.

How do you know? How do you know that she didn't just have a cull and block lots of people she's not close to, all in one go? Why are events in her partner's ex's mind good or bad news to OP, unless they've been carrying on an inappropriate relationship lately?

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