Did anyone have all their childhood friends chosen for them?

It didn't quite happen like that but yes my mother did try and choose my friends for me. She was (is) quite snobby and also religious. We went to private school and she disliked us mixing with anyone not from that school or from our Sunday school. Even within those approved parameters she actively steered us away from some kids (those with divorced parents for example). I didn't really realise it was happening until my teens when I brought "unsuitable" friends or boyfriends home and she was shockingly unpleasant and rude. I was astounded - this was someone obsessed with manners! And a practising Christian! It was quite damaging. I just kept much of my social and love life secret and lied about where I was going etc. Most of these people were perfectly nice; they just didn't fit the right criteria.

I had a classmate who got all their childhood friends chosen for them. We became close at school at age 9 and she invited me around to her house for a playdate, which turned into a 2 hour grilling by her parents (we did not play at all) while she sat outside.

The next morning, she ignored me at school and made others friends

I certainly encouraged some friendships a lot more than others. Why wouldn't you?

There's a difference between encouraging or discouraging friendships and banning all interaction with those who are not preselected by a parent.

Yeah, but she couldn't ban interaction with children at school could she? And she couldn't ban interaction with others once you were a teenager, you've said yourself you stood up to her and maintained friendships in secret.

It's not perfect parenting, I agree, but on the other hand I wouldn't expect someone to need therapy for it

Yes, I'm sorry I misread your comment and thought you said you did stand up to her.

I guess all we can do is learn from our parents mistakes and not make the same mistakes with our kids.

Where was your dad in all this? Is he blame free?

If someone is genuinely a bad influence then I may say something, or if there was a safeguarding issue. Otherwise leave well alone, this will backfire badly, as OP has written, with DM as a control freak (and a bad Christian).

When I was much younger, yes. But only because I enjoyed playing on my own for hours with my pets, climbing trees and riding my bike. I also preferred the company and pastimes of boys and was quite a tomboy.

I think this concerned my mother - that I wasn't really making friendships with other girls of the same age and background. Of course, I eventually did. Though I'll never forget Robert, Ross, Christopher and Nathaniel - my best buds at one stage.

There was a great little novel published last year by an up and coming author called "The Book of Memory" which is basically about the unreliability of childhood recall.

Was there something wrong with the friends that your mum encouraged for you OP?

She just sounds very controlling. And judgemental/snobby.
Would you describe her as a happy person?

Yes. It was def more than encouragement as friends she didn't like, it was made quite clear.

But then I'm now an adult who has realised both my parents were quite controlling and toxic in certain ways.

Choosing my friends was just one of those ways.

Nothing to do with religion though. More snobbery and caring what others think way more than their children's feelings.

My children choose wisely with their friends, which I'm pleased about but with no help from me. They seem to know themselves. After my experience i would encourage good friendships and unless their is a safeguarding issue or harm being done, i would step back. Let them work it out.

She went a few steps forward and sabotaged every friendship so by the time I got to high school I had no idea how to go about making friends.

@StephenBelafonte I'm not sure why you are trying to minimise OP's experience. It's perfectly clear that now she has some distance she sees a lot wrong with her mother's parenting. While I agree there is a spectrum of the level of control parents try to exert of friendships, and that the wrong friends can definitely be disastrous to kids, it's pretty much a truism that such control is doomed to failure and only leads to the even more damaging prospect of unsuitable "secret" friends.

I always had to have playdates with the siblings of my sisters friends, weather or not we got on. Even now she asks me about them, as though we are life long friends. We tolerated each other at 6, and haven't spoken since about 10, when I started arrange my own social life.

@StephenBelafonte are you suggesting op is mid-recalling her childhood? Perhaps you can identify a little to closely with op's abusive mother to be of real use on this thread.

OP, parents should support their children to find out who they are and choosing friends is a very important developmental stage which your Mother denied you.

Her actions were as damaging as they were valueless - how could divorced parents ever be a good indicator of someone's compatibility to you as a friend?

I guess I do this to a certain extent with ds2, not necessarily deliberately, but as I home educate I do need to be more intentional with regard to his friendships, and it's ended up that many of his friends are children of my friends (if that makes sense). I wouldn't ban any friends as such, but if I was worried someone was a bad influence, I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage / facilitate the friendship.

I didn't have any chosen for me, I do t think that would of worked anyway, I wasn't someone that could make friends easily.
However I did make some very bad choices, I guess I didn't have much choice! But some friends I did make at primary were a very bad influence and toxic even at that age, going into high school I ended up getting bullied by my so called friends, I do wish my parents had intervened and to had been more strict who I was hanging out with. By bad behaviour I mean primary school age, out all day/evening before mobile phones, not knowing where I was, shoplifting, being a nuisance to neighbours, smoking, my parents knew this and didn't discourage it.

I'm very different with my children, almost too over protective.