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In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future(559 Posts)
Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.
I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.
For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.
He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.
However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:
- The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
- The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
- The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.
I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.
Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?
Honestly, you are far too young to take on all this.
Personally I couldn't be with a man who didn't work unless he was rich enough to have a very secure future.
Ok, you've had some fun and some nice times, but now move along! You're compromising and setting your standards too low. There will be someone who ticks these very important boxes.
You're too young to play second fiddle to another woman, and I'm sure he is very happy with another meal ticket.
I'm being harsh, but there's plenty of these guys around. Usually not keen on working unless it's to do with sport or music. Great laughs, great sex, great times, but not life partner material.
Sorry but I’d run
If you stay with him you’ll probably spend the next few years running around after his kids, and with you being on the fence about having your own you could well end up resenting that
Him going running whenever his ex shouts will only build resentment too
Good luck 💐
You really need to think about whether you want children. You're only thirty, so it may not seem pressing now.
But if you might want children, don't get in deeper with a man who already said he doesn't want more. Listen to him, don't fail to take him seriously. Pretend you're choosing to be sterilised by being with him.
The rest of it - well, if you don't mind being the stable one who supports a guy, and are excited about being a stepmum, knock yourself out.
This is not a relationship. You’ve effectively been on holiday for the last few months. I very much doubt you will see him in the same way if you were working full time and he was not employed.
There are a lot of other things that I would be worried about - relationship with ex wife and age gap. You can do better, I’m sure.
Spending your house equity at 45 and not working is extremely foolish and doesn't bode well for the future imo.
When his money runs out what then?
It's hard to tell anything at the moment as you've both not been living in the real world for the last year. He's not working, you've been furloughed, life has been chilled and fun with none of the normal day to day stresses of life and work. You don't know the real him yet.
Does the ex know about you?
The job situation is tricky at the moment, so I could overlook that for now if he's not normally work shy. Although using up all his savings isn't ideal.
I wouldn't want to personally get involved with someone where the ex made me uncomfortable-they will be ever present in the relationship when there's DC involved.
Also you need shared life goals, having children is a big thing. At 30 you need your options open. He's a fair bit older and at a different place in his life to you.
A year out of work? Nah. There are still lots of jobs out there.. he could be working. Couldn't be with someone who's lazy and workshy.
Is he definitely divorced? Or just separated and still actually legally married?
You are right to be wary. He's got no ticking clock, but he might 'waste' 5 years of your 30s and then suddenly you are broody and looking for a new relationship quick. It does happen...
Definitely no moving in with him or any joining of finances while he doesn't have a job.
OP, you can do better than a man old enough to be your father who can't be arsed to get a job and is still in love with his ex.
Pls pls move on and find someone who will build a life with you. That's what you deserve.
You are both at completely different life stages, when lockdown finishes are things start going back to normal going for walks and spending time watching movies will be over, you might want to buy a house one day start a family, go on nice family holidays and weekends away, you won't be able to do any of that with an unemployed bloke with baggage, I'd move on now before you get any more emotionally involved and end up regreting it in a few years when you realised you have wasted years when you could of found some one more compatible easier but now left it to late
Enjoy the relationship for now but don't make any plans to live with him,. And don't look after his DC for him.
He's a lot older than you. He has a lot of baggage, which won't go away. Including DC, which you will have to step-parent while having no chance of having your own. And he's long term unemployed, and sounds passive about it, while pissing away his only financial asset. If the sex is good enough to make up for all of that...
I'd leave it, honestly. Before you get any more involved. There are a world of complications and pain that come along with him, and you can do better. Check the stepparenting board on here and see how many women say that if they'd known how it would be they'd have walked away early on.
My friend for with a man who didn’t want any more kids. He had had the snip and wouldn’t consider reversing it. The majority of her friends told her that kids were not the be all and end all and not to pass up the opportunity of finding love with some one. He gave her a token engagement ring too. So she got with the program, stated and got involved in ‘family’ life.
Fast forward 8 years they split because he cheated and she is now looking at sperm donors at the age of 42 and single.
He sounds lovely but spending his house equity would worry me. He sounds a bit flaky.
Move on. You're not compatible. You would be giving up the chance to have a family of your own, and your financial security.
Please leave now and not in five years when it all becomes clearer to you and you will have wasted your time.
No, keep it casual. He is not a keeper. You are at different stages in life, why would you get bogged down in a middle aged man's baggage. You are entering into the best decade of your life IMO. Make it a good one. As PP said, these are exceptional circumstances at the moment, you are not living in normal times. You have a good job, years on your side. He sounds workshy and lacking foresight (spending equity, presumably no pension).
It’s ok as a fun relationship, but not a serious one
He quit his job without another one to go to, is using what could be a down payment in a home to live on, so that likely means you providing it if you decide to live together, he doesn’t want more kids, you dont know yet, what happens if you do? Not sure about the ex wife, but what are you going to do of tha5 continues?
Enjoy the fun, not sure this is a long term thing. I couldn’t be with someone who jacks in a job with no where to go to
Would urge you also to move on and end this relationship before you become even more over invested in it. All those factors you cite with him are problems in their own right. You need a partner, not a project.
I think you need to use your head, not your heart.
Probably most importantly, is there a chance you'll want your own child?
If you wanted to live together, how would that work financially for you?
How much longer can he drift before you start to lose respect for him?
Do you want to be a stepmother 50% of the time? And do you want to potentially do the wife work without being their mother? (It's very different from being a girlfriend who sees the kids sometimes).
This relationship could have a lot of complications. Is he 100% worth it do you think?
Move on. You've been in the happy starry-eyed stage of love and lust, and it's a great place to be, but inevitably you're taking a closer look at this man as relationship material. And he is not relationship material.
If he has his children 50% of the time, then in a longterm relationship where you move in together, you will be a very involved step parent. They will be living in your home half the time. His ex will be a constant background presence, or perhaps closer than that. That could be good or it could be bad, but it will be.
You may well want children, especially once you become involved with his. You will have many of the drawbacks (and joys!) of family life without actually having your own dc. If he doesn't want any more (understandable) then this will be an impossible problem.
The lack of work and spending his house equity on living costs - this is a huge red flag. This man has children to support. What's his plan? Are you it?
And who know what if anything is going on with his not-even-ex wife.
Untangle your uncomplicated life from his and walk away.
It sounds like you've been having a holiday romance. Both off work and cooking and watching the telly. No stresses.
My friends ex husband did a similar trick to this when they divorced.
He stopped working so he didn't have to pay her maintenance for the children and started spending the capital he got for the house. He had a series of younger girlfriend and was constantly on holiday.
Now he lives in his mothers spare room as he's got no money left. He spends his time slagging off my friend on social media saying she's shafted him financially and telling his children that she is the reason daddy doesn't have a house.
Treat this as an extended holiday romance. He has lived your amount of life plus half again but seems to have nothing to show for it. Leave him to his ex-wife which is where he probably belongs.
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