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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need help on leaving husband!!

20 replies

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 19:08

Hi all

I've been in a toxic marriage for quite a while and have been separated and back together a few times.
I have two DC and can't bring up the courage to leave my husband.
I honestly do not love him and do not see a future with him. During the 4 years of marriage we've separated 3 times, but I always find myself taking him back due to wanting a family and a 2 parent home for my DC.
I feel embarrassed that I keep separating and going back, at this point I don't know what I'd say to people when they ask me.
I'm exhausted!!!
Has anyone been through this?
If soo how do you stay strong and build up the courage to actually leave for good.
I've just turned 30 last week and I really do not want to waste anymore time.
Any advice would be much appreciated x

OP posts:

Report

Itstimetoquit · 05/02/2021 19:10

I've separated over 40 times so I know how you feel,just tell people the truth! If there's no love there's no point carrying on x

user1465423698 · 05/02/2021 19:13

Toxic how?

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 19:13

* always find myself taking him back due to wanting a family and a 2 parent home for my DC.*

It sounds a profoundly awful 2 parent family for your children
That should give you courage

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 19:15

Itstimetoquit

Is it normal to feel like your weak and stupid for repeating the same mistake.
It's like it's a never ending cycle, have to explain to friends/family why we're not together anymore.

OP posts:

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 19:18

He's been verbally and physically abusive a few times.
It was due to his physical/emotional abuse that caused us to separate.
He has not laid hands on me since getting back together, but he has been verbally abusive and has a habit of raising his voice informs of DC.

OP posts:

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 19:19

*infront

OP posts:

user1465423698 · 05/02/2021 19:21

So do you want your children growing up in abusive home - witnessing abuse, being abused, maybe one day watching him murder you?

Why is your pride more important than protecting your children?

It's not a "never ending cycle" if you leave and stay away.

That has to come from within you - making a decision to hold firm and sticking with it. Nobody can do it for you. But you do have a responsibility to your children.

Developmental trauma causes irreparable harm.

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 19:27

He does apologise after.
And he seems very sincere with his apologies. He hasn't laid hands on me since, but I can't seem to forget how he's treated me.

OP posts:

user1465423698 · 05/02/2021 19:55

If he was sincere he wouldn't continue abusing you.

The fact that you think it even remotely acceptable for you to continue a relationship with - or allow your children to live with - a man who has ever laid hands on you is disturbing.

What you are describing is abnormal and you are failing to protect your children.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/02/2021 21:46

Oh ffs are you another one from that backwards school of thought that no matter how fucked up and toxic the relationship is better for the parents to live together??

Children need stabity, jumping in and out of a toxic atmosphere every two minutes is about as unstable as it gets.

Do the right thing by your children and end it for good OP.

wirldsgonemad · 05/02/2021 22:03

There's never an excuse for abuse, he won't change, his mask will always slip. See a solicitor, know your rights, you'll find someone else and have the happy family you wanted

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 22:25

@Closetbeanmuncher

Oh ffs are you another one from that backwards school of thought that no matter how fucked up and toxic the relationship is better for the parents to live together??

Children need stabity, jumping in and out of a toxic atmosphere every two minutes is about as unstable as it gets.

Do the right thing by your children and end it for good OP.

This

updownroundandround · 05/02/2021 22:32

It doesn't matter how often or how many times he says he's ''sorry'' though, does it ?? Because he will not stop abusing you (and the DC), EVER !!

Stop thinking about ''how everyone will think of you or treat you ! It doesn't bloody matter !!

You are NOT happy
Your children are not happy

And the only thing that will make you all happy, is to leave your bullying, physically and emotionally (and probably financially) abusive husband for ever!!

You're going to need to block him from contacting you after you leave, as this is the only way you're going to have a chance to feel what life is like without being shouted at, put down, hit, pushed etc !

He will get to see his kids when the court says he can, and not before, or he will try to use them as an excuse to contact you.

1.Get your passports/ bank details/ important paperwork together.
2.Either throw him out or you leave with the kids if you have somewhere to go. If you have nowhere to go, get the police (call 101 and explain the situation) to come round and help you to get him out.

Change the locks and block him on everything.

4.Make an appointment with a solicitor (you can get an online one).

Start applying for any benefits you might be entitled to.

You deserve SO much better, and so do your DC

lovethyself1991 · 05/02/2021 22:55

Thank upanddown

I know DC and I deserve soo much better!
I built up the courage to leave him last year, and kicked him out due to his childish behaviour.
But I got back with him two months ago for the sake of DC (I know I sound crazy).

I'm scared that he'll have a outburst I've I lock him out.
Please don't judge me I'm emotionally and mentally drained.

OP posts:

user1465423698 · 06/02/2021 10:50

No, you didn't take him back for the "sake of the children" , you took him back for your own selfish sake.

Don't blame your poor innocent children for your decision to subject them to abuse and the lifelong damage it causes.

If he's that dangerous call the police and ask for their help to remove him.

Speak to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme.

Ask for help and take it.

Stop blaming your innocent children for your decisions. Protect them.

And for the love of god never tell them you subjected them to this suffering for "their sake" .

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 09:35

How are you op x

updownroundandround · 13/02/2021 18:09

@lovethyself1991

Absolutely no judgement at all from anyone here, just hoping to send you the strength and willpower to take your life back

I hope you and your DC are well.

Remember, we're here when you want us, or if you just need to let off steam by talking about things, OK ?

wirldsgonemad · 15/02/2021 05:16

@user1465423698

No, you didn't take him back for the "sake of the children" , you took him back for your own selfish sake.

Don't blame your poor innocent children for your decision to subject them to abuse and the lifelong damage it causes.

If he's that dangerous call the police and ask for their help to remove him.

Speak to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme.

Ask for help and take it.

Stop blaming your innocent children for your decisions. Protect them.

And for the love of god never tell them you subjected them to this suffering for "their sake" .

Op said please don't judge me as I'm emotionally drained. Your post is very harsh. Try being kind sometime, all of what you have said could have been framed in a much nicer tone.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/02/2021 06:40

@user1465423698

No, you didn't take him back for the "sake of the children" , you took him back for your own selfish sake.

Don't blame your poor innocent children for your decision to subject them to abuse and the lifelong damage it causes.

If he's that dangerous call the police and ask for their help to remove him.

Speak to Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme.

Ask for help and take it.

Stop blaming your innocent children for your decisions. Protect them.

And for the love of god never tell them you subjected them to this suffering for "their sake" .

This^
She could have been kinder, but if you have been separated and taken him back "quite a few times" you are being unkind to your children and not listening to the advice you asked for.
And DO NOT ask the children what they want. They will want Daddy to stay because they are children. If you asked them if they wanted a hippopotamus they would say Yes, but you wouldn't give them one. (I hope.)
Get the paperwork together, get a solicitor and do what is best for you and for them.

lovethyself1991 · 16/02/2021 11:37

Geiorgiagirl

I don't think it was out of selfishness that I took him back.
When you have no one to help you with the kids and you're by yourself during lockdown it's really hard!!!
Especially when he's trying to show you that he's changed and he's helping out with the cleaning and the children.
I don't know if I'm naive but I like to see the good in people.
It's easy for me to just kick him out and change the locks as I've previously done,
But when you have 2 under 2 and your alone and all you have is him, it is difficult.

I hope I find the strength to leave one day x

OP posts:

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