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The one who got away - but I never even met him

(37 Posts)
Forestfires Thu 04-Feb-21 02:02:20

Several nights ago I was lying alone in bed because my husband had left for the spare room again because of my snoring. It's a sexless, intimacy free marriage. We get on ok usually but I miss being kissed properly and held tight and feeling wanted. He will give me a peck on the lips and occasionally rub my shoulders which is nice enough but there's zero passion or connection. It's my own fault, I knew he was autistic and I still married him.

Anyway as I lay there feeling alone I suddenly remembered someone that I met online 10 years ago. So long ago. He contacted me on a dating site several years before I met my husband (we met on a different dating site, long distance). This man was such a breath of fresh air compared to all of the other guys I spoke to who were really not great. We had lots in common including a very niche interest that he picked up on straight away. Added to that he was gorgeous, funny, creative and very clever (research scientist). We emailed for over a month, I felt quite intimidated by his intellect but he seemed interested in me, he was always fun, unique and enthusiastic and ramped up the flirting. I'd suggested meeting quite early on and he'd said he could be tempted. We kept up the chat, deep discussions on life and the universe, sensual flirting, joking and sharing stuff about our lives and interests. However I think I pressured him too much by asking again a month later (I had a holiday coming up and wanted to meet before that). He disappeared on me. I wish I'd not said anything now, just kept up the chat and waited to see what happened. I was quite upset at the time but apart from the odd reminiscing I hadn't thought of him that much until now. That first night I just lay there unable to sleep for thinking about him. I remembered the things he'd said and how much he'd turned me on. I wasn't very sexually experienced but I wanted him so very badly.

Anyway I can't stop thinking about him. I found a photo of him online and he's still as pretty as I remember. It's funny I was never able to find anything on him back when we were talking, don't think he's on FB or anything. But I found it tonight, a picture taken of him at a work event. I just stared at it for ages, sad bitch that I am. And maybe we wouldn't have even gotten on if we'd met but there it is, the big "what if", never to be known. And now I'm constantly thinking about him and fantasising. Longing for him when I have a husband here who can't give me what I need.

Just feeling miserable and nostalgic.

Anyone else had similar?

OP’s posts: |
Theowawaynow Thu 04-Feb-21 02:07:08

I think if he didn’t meet you after two months of talking he wasn’t really the man to fantasise over. Having said that I would think it’s indicative, it’s not about HIM it’s about your relationship, which you don’t really have? I’d think about cutting my losses tbh.

NotaCoolMum Thu 04-Feb-21 06:23:07

You “pressured him too much by asking again to meet up a month later”? No- if he was genuine he would have jumped at the chance to meet you ASAP. He disappeared on you when you suggested meeting OP- please give your head a wobble! He’s not the one that got away...

AgentJohnson Thu 04-Feb-21 07:05:31

I very much doubt that you were the one who got away in his eyes. This is a fantasy that distracts you from your unfulfilled marriage.

Don’t dream about a fulfilling life, have one and that means dealing with your marriage issues.

Lampan Thu 04-Feb-21 07:19:41

Sounds to me like he was messing you around. He doesn’t actually sound very nice at all, the fact that he just disappeared on you proved this. Do you even know he is who he was claiming to be?
Asking to meet twice within a month isn’t ‘pressuring’. The idea of a dating site is that you will meet at some point. Seems to be he enjoyed having someone to talk to and flirt with but wasn’t interested in anything more than that. Unfortunately online dating is full of people like this. Try and concentrate on your real life, comparing your marriage to a fantasy is never going to go well.

SimplyRadishing Thu 04-Feb-21 07:20:48

I pressured him too much by asking again a month later

I call bullshit. I met a tonne of these types of men doing online dating. the guy was a fantacist or emotionally unavailable. Not wanting to meet after a week, let alone longer is a big old red flag.

You are thinking about this because your own life is unhappy and you are seeking an escape. I'd start either addressing your current issues to improve the relationship and your happiness or... start making plans to leave to improve your happiness.

SeeYouInAnotherLife Thu 04-Feb-21 07:36:12

As someone who has done a fair amount of OLD, the ones who are really keen and see you as potential relationship material, want to meet up ASAP.

The ones who are only up for endless chat are either doing it as an ego boost or are married. I’m sorry. Your marriage sounds lonely and you seem very unhappy. But please don’t focus on this man. He’s just a fantasy projection. If he’d really wanted you, he’d have been keen to meet up and explore that face to face. He didn’t.

Is there anything you can do to address the problems in your marriage?

DianaT1969 Thu 04-Feb-21 08:12:16

Why aren't you asking yourself why he didn't want to meet? People go on dating sites to meet someone. Genuine people do. He also dropped you. Rude, unavailable man, stringing women along online. No thanks.
Perhaps time to move on from your marriage?

Kintsugi16 Thu 04-Feb-21 08:16:24

I suspect he was either lying or married.

Your marriage is a separate problem to this and you need to address that, not just hide in a fantasy world.

Forestfires Thu 04-Feb-21 20:20:12

Well I know that he is definitely Dr Hisname the research scientist as he told me, after I saw that photo. I did get quite a "loner" vibe from him. Not close to his family, did a lot of things alone. I suspect he enjoyed the fantasy element of our flirting but couldn't follow it through. Very deep spiritual person. I seem to be attracted to those.

It's just so hard with my husband. He's like a cat, affection - such as it is - is on his terms. He's already told me that we'll never have sex again. And the other day when I asked for a cuddle he grudgingly gave me one but said it is "bothersome". I just feel pretty rejected a lot of the time. He has a lot of issues related to his autism and poor self esteem.

Anyway, I'll work on things and see what happens.

OP’s posts: |
honeysuckle21 Thu 04-Feb-21 20:32:18

You didn't put any pressure on, after talking for a month, it's expected to either meet up or not. I think it's turned into a fantasy especially as there is little affection in your marriage, I had this too about an ex I used to think I was still in love with when in an unfulfilled marriage, now that's finished I never really think about him.

bloodyhairy Fri 05-Feb-21 00:25:03

He was a time waster OP, with no intention of meeting up. Some guys enjoy the chat and the ego boost. I can't understand it personally, and wish they'd be upfront about their intentions ... or lack thereof!
He was always going to disappear on you once suggestions of meeting up were made. Don't waste your time thinking of him.
End your marriage and make proper, real memories with someone else thanks
Remember that it's your loneliness and unhappiness that's making you dwell on the timewaster.

Bigbigbirfday Fri 05-Feb-21 00:31:21

Your husband unilaterally decided you won’t have sex again? WTF?

What do you plan to do about that?

SarahBellam Fri 05-Feb-21 04:46:24

I’d put money on him being married. If he wanted to meet you’d have met. A month is not pushy at all. In the world of OLD meeting as early as possible makes far more sense so you don’t waste time chatting online for months. He really wasn’t the one who got away. He was the one that ghosted you.

DeeCeeCherry Fri 05-Feb-21 04:58:03

You're drawn to Mr Unavailables and then torturing yourself about what "could be", but isn't. This man, and your husband, are 2 examples.

An unaffectionate marriage clearly doesn't suit you. Unless you're the type of person who revels in being miserable with a man and longing for more, but not making it happen as you prefer the wistful "if only" feeling, then you'd be better off cutting your losses, getting out of the relationship, and making life happen for you.

category12 Fri 05-Feb-21 05:55:44

I think you're focused on a fantasy (this man) as a distraction from what you really need to be doing, which is confronting the reality of your marriage.

Which is affectionless and sexless, and you cannot "work on it" on your own with a dh who isn't interested in working on it as well. If he never wants to have sex again, is that really the life you want to live?

You're not obliged to stick it out. Time to move on, don't you think?

MrsBobDylan Fri 05-Feb-21 17:57:03

You just need to divorce. I think you probably need therapy as to why you choose men who make themselves emotionally unavailable.

OLD guy got you hooked then buggered off, husband is using Autism as an excuse to be emotionally controlling.

Forestfires Fri 05-Feb-21 20:00:57

I don't think he's married, he got his PhD a few months before we started speaking and never thanked a wife in the thesis acknowledgements, just his parents and a friend.

I did have a flirtation with a guy at work that was similar, he seemed keen at first but then told me he was working on himself spiritually and couldn't start anything. So that was that. I think I am definitely attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Not sure why.

My husband, I'd just asked him if he thought we'd ever have sex again and he said no. It's been over a year and he said it would be weird now. He denies that he's asexual, says he's too old and fat. That doesn't stop others though.

Need to have a think. I just bought a house and wonder if my husband would get half of it as we've only been married just over a year and it's in my name. Literally just been in it two months. I feel stupid and I hate hoping that things will be ok.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 05-Feb-21 20:03:39

No, as a short marriage , he's unlikely to get any more than he came into the relationship with. (Although if you lived together for a long time beforehand that could potentially be taken into account.)

honeysuckle21 Fri 05-Feb-21 20:55:04

Probably better to divorce now as pp said it won't get so much money on the house. Sounds like a miserable marriage with no sex, you'll find someone else who will more compatible then you won't even think about the fantasy man.

Forestfires Sat 06-Feb-21 15:31:50

Thanks for the advice. We didn't live together before marriage.

OP’s posts: |
Thehop Sat 06-Feb-21 15:42:09

Put yourself first and separate. Life has soooo much more to offer than this

Cpl654321 Sat 06-Feb-21 15:48:24

I think your current unhappy relationship is making you think this other guy was the moon and stars.

Other guy sounds like he was great chat but it's weird he didn't want to meet after a couple of months. Sounds like a time waster.

But agree with pp your current relationship doesn't sound great and I would consider splitting. Mainly because of the imposed celibacy for me.

bitheby Sat 06-Feb-21 15:51:05

I'm sorry. Your OP was TL;DR but you get abiscuitfor the autistic jibe.

JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority Sat 06-Feb-21 16:16:15

@bitheby maybe you SHOULD read the full thread before being snarky and unpleasant

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