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Just found out my parnter cheated on me early on in the relationship for 2 years for MONEY

(271 Posts)
DeanRose92 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:33:24

Hi everyone, so this is quite a shocking story but im just lost and dont know where to go from here.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly 4 years, 2 and a half years in i found out she was weirdly close to this 70 year old man… I got quite jealous but she insisted he was just a friend and she felt sorry for him.

as time went on i eventually asked her to stop speaking to him because it felt quite uncomfortable, after many arguments and her making out i was paranoid and i even took on counselling sessions and started antidepressants as even in convinced myself i was overly paranoid and obsessing…

So eventually she promised to stop talking to him and blocked his number however a month or so later i found out she was secretly ringing him at work when i confronted her about it with the intention of ending the relationship she said she was in fear of her life and she had to speak to him or he would harm her family…. She then went on to tell me he forced him to do sexual things to him over the 6 year period they knew each other…

She has not spoke to this man for over a year now however one day recently i decided to confirm this and speak to him myself, I have now confronted this man to get the truth myself and he’s shown me all the evidence and explained to me that they had an agreement… She would perform sexual acts on him in return for him giving her money, he bought her a car and a brand new phone for example (she told me she saved for these things) and even had videos of her to prove she “willingly” did these things… She has since admitted this and admitted this went on during the first 2 years of our relationship……..

At this point i would end the relationship and move on with my life as that is the most unforgivable betrayal someone could do to someone they love.

However….. Before finding this out we have moved into our own house, i have proposed to this woman and recently found out we are expecting a baby………………. I dont know what to do…… I’m lost. She says she regrets the first two years of our relationship and the entire relationship with this man and is begging me to give her the chance to prove she just wants to be happy and she wants to move forward, She apologises to me atleast 30 times a day. I dont know what to do.

OP’s posts: |
nutsaboutsquirrels Mon 01-Feb-21 10:37:10

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DedlyMedally Mon 01-Feb-21 10:41:07

She had you on psychoactive drugs, rather than admitting that she was lying.
She's taking no responsibility (How was a 70 hear old man threatening her family?!).
Frankly, even if this baby is yours (and you should definitely get confirmation of that), this is not someone you should permanently financially tie yourself to if you can help it.

nutsaboutsquirrels Mon 01-Feb-21 10:45:07

she should have ended it with the OAP when you and her got serious. have you been financially contributing to the relationship all the way through? she may have needed money back then (I have some experience of this with an ex also, disgusting ugh), she really should be working to support herself not screwing an OAP for money while being in a relationship with you.

CorianderBlues Mon 01-Feb-21 10:46:23

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Dontbeme Mon 01-Feb-21 10:47:19

Run, your relationship was a lie, she convinced you that you were mentally unstable to the point of being medicated and truthfully how do you know it is only this man? You don't and won't ever know if there are more men out there right now. DNA test for the baby, end the engagement and get a solicitor today to sort out the house. I am sorry OP, this is awful.

Hoppinggreen Mon 01-Feb-21 10:47:41

If you hadn’t been together it would have been none of your business but you were so she was cheating on you and repeatedly lied and even convinced you it was you who had the issue
I dont see how you can come back from this

moreofalurker Mon 01-Feb-21 10:53:08

Honestly this is disgusting, she had you taking anti depression medicine. She lied to you for 4 years. You can still be a good dad and not be with her. If she can do all of this to u, imagine what else she is capable of.

CorianderBlues Mon 01-Feb-21 10:56:13

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DeanRose92 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:56:25

I really appreciate the advice so far. She was basically using him as a sugar daddy yes and during the first two years of our relationship we were very serious or so i thought, She made me feel like that atleast. She keeps saying she's not that person anymore and regrets everything, she tells me that she wishes she could take it back and didnt realise how much i meant to her....

It's just going to be such an embarassing process explaining to my family why we've broke up, I moved up to england from Wales to be with her and changed jobs and my entire life for her.....

OP’s posts: |
PaterPower Mon 01-Feb-21 10:56:39

She was gaslighting you to the point you needed medicating and psychiatric help. Staying with her is NOT something you should even be contemplating.

As PPs have said, end the engagement and either buy her out of the house or put it up for sale.

You need to make it clear to her that it won’t matter if she has the child or not, you won’t be staying in a relationship with her. That way she can decide for herself if being a single Mum (with your financial input via CMS) is what she wants.

If she then decides to keep the child I would insist on a paternity test before you pay maintenance. If you want to be a part of the child’s life after that (and I hope you do, for their sake if they’re yours) then keep communication with her on a formal footing and only about the child.

Anyone who can do this to someone they supposedly love is toxic.

Unicorn88 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:56:52

Oh man feeling bad for u, I'm really sorry. As far as I can see doesn't seems to be fair to raise a child in this conditions, poor thing. Leave this women she will ruin your life further and u don't seem happy. If consentual u should consider abortion. Hope all goes well with u and keep strong.

DeanRose92 Mon 01-Feb-21 10:57:17

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OP’s posts: |
Dyrne Mon 01-Feb-21 10:57:33

I honestly would not be able to get past this - not “just” the cheating, but the complete gaslighting of you to the point where she was happy to see you actually taking medication for this rather than admit the truth.

Get your paperwork and finances in order, find out the process of disentangling your lives. Agree a fair custody and maintenance agreement for your child - after the first year or two, the family courts actually are being pretty good about favouring 50/50 agreements; and you should be able to get a decent contact agreement before then.

unbotheredbutbewildered Mon 01-Feb-21 10:58:08

She has sex with someone for money. So not only did she cheat on you, she got paid too. She repeatedly lied to you and gaslighted you. She drove you to medication. She lied to you in order to secure a future for herself. She used you and still is. She would never have admitted the truth.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP about what to do regarding the child (if it is yours) and as soon as it is born get a paternity test.

I don't really want to ask but...was the baby planned? Because if not, I wouldn't be surprised if this was her way of securing a stable future for herself (and assuming that you would not leave her if there was a child) on the off chance that you ever found out what a nasty piece of work she is.

If she is capable of letting the man she 'loves' take medication and think himself paranoid and obsessive rather than admit to what she is done then she is truly a disgusting individual who never cared for you.

No-one deserves what you have been through OP.

Get rid of her and get a damn good lawyer.

PaterPower Mon 01-Feb-21 10:59:32

”It's just going to be such an embarassing process explaining to my family why we've broke up”

Why should you be embarrassed? It wasn’t you doing the gaslighting or shagging around for money. I’m pretty sure your family will be nothing but supportive of you. Hold your head up - YOU didn’t cause this situation.

nutsaboutsquirrels Mon 01-Feb-21 11:00:17

DeanRose92

I really appreciate the advice so far. She was basically using him as a sugar daddy yes and during the first two years of our relationship we were very serious or so i thought, She made me feel like that atleast. She keeps saying she's not that person anymore and regrets everything, she tells me that she wishes she could take it back and didnt realise how much i meant to her....

It's just going to be such an embarassing process explaining to my family why we've broke up, I moved up to england from Wales to be with her and changed jobs and my entire life for her.....

I have some experience with this OP if you want to PM me about it I can talk about my experience.

what I cannot understand is if it was a financial arrangement with the OAP why carry on while she is with you if you are a real couple living together and sharing financial responsibilities. I can only assume she enjoyed the thrill...... how old is she OP? I'm guessing he must be twice her age, which is icky!

DeanRose92 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:05:07

unbotheredbutbewildered

She has sex with someone for money. So not only did she cheat on you, she got paid too. She repeatedly lied to you and gaslighted you. She drove you to medication. She lied to you in order to secure a future for herself. She used you and still is. She would never have admitted the truth.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP about what to do regarding the child (if it is yours) and as soon as it is born get a paternity test.

I don't really want to ask but...was the baby planned? Because if not, I wouldn't be surprised if this was her way of securing a stable future for herself (and assuming that you would not leave her if there was a child) on the off chance that you ever found out what a nasty piece of work she is.

If she is capable of letting the man she 'loves' take medication and think himself paranoid and obsessive rather than admit to what she is done then she is truly a disgusting individual who never cared for you.

No-one deserves what you have been through OP.

*Get rid of her and get a damn good lawyer.*

We did plan the baby yes, When she told me about him "forcing" her i believed it all, we tried to move past it and focus on each other and decided to start a family

OP’s posts: |
DeanRose92 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:06:59

It is definitely "icky"... I feel sick when i think about it, She is 31 and i'm 28 while he is 70....

The whole thing just makes me feel sick, there's so much to it that is just so hurtful, the only thing keeping me here is her in tears every day begging me to give her a chance to prove herself and that she regrets everything and obviously.... The baby.

OP’s posts: |
nutsaboutsquirrels Mon 01-Feb-21 11:12:08

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slidingdrawers Mon 01-Feb-21 11:16:44

I think she needs professional help. I would highly recommend you distance yourself from her as soon as possible to protect your own mental health and yes, seek legal advice in terms of the unborn child, which given the history may or may not be yours.

Dean12 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:16:54

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BrianOfHull Mon 01-Feb-21 11:17:56

You need to leave, before the baby arrives and is dragged into this mess.

You have time to get everything in order and co-parenting agreed before baby arrives.

Don’t waste your life with this woman, you’ll regret it.

unbotheredbutbewildered Mon 01-Feb-21 11:17:58

You say 'we decided to start a family' was it you who suggested it though, or her?

I really do not think you'll be able to get past this. Even if you could forgive, would you ever be able to forgive her?

I think you should move back in with your parents and get away from her for a few weeks (AT LEAST) to clear your head. And yes, there is a lockdown. But you need to think about yourself - she is an abuser. You are well within your rights to move back to Wales. I just checked Welsh Guidelines and you can leave house to "escape a risk of illness or injury, such as for victims or people at risk of domestic abuse."
I'd classify the fact she stuck you on medication as 'risk of illness.'

Put yourself first, OP. She does not get in a say in your MH after what she did.

Dean12 Mon 01-Feb-21 11:22:30

unbotheredbutbewildered

You say 'we decided to start a family' was it you who suggested it though, or her?

I really do not think you'll be able to get past this. Even if you could forgive, would you ever be able to forgive her?

I think you should move back in with your parents and get away from her for a few weeks (AT LEAST) to clear your head. And yes, there is a lockdown. But you need to think about yourself - she is an abuser. You are well within your rights to move back to Wales. I just checked Welsh Guidelines and you can leave house to "escape a risk of illness or injury, such as for victims or people at risk of domestic abuse."
I'd classify the fact she stuck you on medication as 'risk of illness.'

Put yourself first, OP. She does not get in a say in your MH after what she did.

It was a mutual decision to start a family, I genuinely was in love with her, at the time id never felt the way i did around anyone else i've been with. I feel like there is a slight chance to get past it but forgive her? Absolutely not, i've made it clear i would never be able to forgive her for everything she put me through.

I also was thinking about moving back with my parents but i just feel so damn bad leaving a pregnant woman on her own. It makes me feel awful.

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