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I tried to leave OH last night and ended up back home!

(241 Posts)
tiredandfrumpy Thu 28-Jan-21 08:18:17

Last night felt like the final straw for me however I ended up back home. It all started by me asking for the phone charger so I can get a bit off charge so I can set my alarm so I can't get up in the morning.

He wanted the charger back after 5 mins so wouldn't of been enough charge! This spiralled buy him pushing me of the bed into the wardrobe. Screaming in my face.

I packed mine and the kids things up managed to finally get past him and get them into the car this is when he shows me that I'm no longer on the car insurance he took me of weeks ago and forgot to add me back. Ive been driving round for weeks with no insurance. I ended up driving round the corner and just sat in Asda car park baring in mind this was 3 in the morning.

I came home at half 5 now I'm WFH on 2 hours sleep I'm so angry but I managed to get myself a charger so he no longer has that control over me now.

I just want out!! I'm so desperate my poor poor kids having to witness this shit all the time. It's my payday today so he goes to be hanging round me like a fly on shit.

I need to make a plan and leave this weekend as I'm off work but I have no where to go.

OP’s posts: |
Veterinari Thu 28-Jan-21 08:20:15

Who owns the home?
Are you married?
If you rent, who is in the rental agreement.

Yes you need to end this toxic relationship

tiredandfrumpy Thu 28-Jan-21 08:24:43

House is rented in his name, not married.
Planning on speaking to women's aid on my lunch but I think I will have to leave my job as I just want to get away on focus on me and the kids.

OP’s posts: |
harknesswitch Thu 28-Jan-21 08:27:11

For now I'd keep my head down and phone Womens aid. Start getting paperwork together, make sure your finances are separate and also look for another rented house. Can you also stay with any family?

LawnFever Thu 28-Jan-21 08:28:12

Why would you have to leave your job? I think keep it, so you have your independence.

Leaving an abusive relationship is a reason to break lockdown, is there any family or friends you could stay with temporarily while you sort things out?

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Jan-21 08:31:03

That was likely deliberate on his part too re not being married and the house being rented in his sole name. He would remain financially responsible for his children going forward so I would put in a CMS claim asap. Also have a look at www.entitledto.co.uk/

Do indeed talk to Womens Aid today.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Jan-21 08:31:53

If at all possible keep your job too. You need financial independence.

RandomMess Thu 28-Jan-21 08:33:43

Hopefully they will find a refuge place for you ASAP.

thanks

LivingMyBestLife2020 Thu 28-Jan-21 08:36:34

I have no advice other than keep safe.

Bananalanacake Thu 28-Jan-21 08:38:40

Can you leave when he's at work. Do you have friends you can stay with.

Techway Thu 28-Jan-21 08:42:27

How old are your children? Does he work?

billybagpuss Thu 28-Jan-21 08:45:52

Keep your job, is it his car? I can’t believe he took you off, do you need it.

tiredandfrumpy Thu 28-Jan-21 08:47:08

@LawnFever I have heard if you stay in a refuge and work full time you have to pay the rent fully and they are usually quite expensive,if you receive benefits they pay it for you. Not just that I couldn't work full time with the kids with me all day at home I wouldn't get anything done.

He doesn't work he was nearly in tears crying last night that if I leave him he's just going to kill himself he's got no money or anything how do I expect him to pay the bills blardy blah going on and on.

OP’s posts: |
tiredandfrumpy Thu 28-Jan-21 08:49:31

DS is 4 and DD is 2, well the car was for me but somehow I got tricked into putting it in to his name and he ended up selling his car. I can cope without a car though I just need to get into a refuge desperately..

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Jan-21 08:53:20

Please do not rely on suppositions re refuges. Get hard facts instead and directly from Womens Aid re refuges.

Can you go to Boots this morning or at lunchtime and ask for ANI?. The staff there will help you access domestic violence support services.

Bananalanacake Thu 28-Jan-21 08:54:31

Why doesn't he work, is he on furlough.

SortingItOut Thu 28-Jan-21 08:55:56

@tiredandfrumpy That is correct that the rent in a refuge is approx. £200pw for 1 room, would be more if you are a family.
But depending on your income you might get help with that.

Refuges generally like you to be out of your home town so depending on your job can you do it anywhere?
There is the option to go off sick for now while you sort things out.

Ring the police today as he assaulted you.
You could also try speaking to your local council and seeing if you can go into homeless accommodation but most is B&B and too be honest you'd be better off in a refuge with the kids.

So he doesnt care about you or the kids, just that he wont have any money? So we know why he wants you dont we.

Do not give him your bank card or leave it unattended, dont give him any money and if he knows your online banking details change them.

You've got this, you can do it.

Are all your birth certificates/passports somewhere you can grab them?
What about other personal paperwork?

Bakedbeanhead Thu 28-Jan-21 08:56:01

No advice to offer but wanted to give you a handhold ❤️ If you can hold onto your job I think it would give you financially security.
Echoing others, contact Woman’s Aid, you sound a strong woman, who has come to the end of her tether xx

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Jan-21 08:56:01

Threatening to kill themselves is a manipulative tactic often used by abusive men to keep their target i.e you here in line. He won't do that and he is not going to let go of you at all easily. All this BS from him now is all a part of not wanting to let you go that easily if at all. If you went then he would have to put the work in to find another woman (and such men do hate women, ALL of them) to look after him.

Dery Thu 28-Jan-21 08:56:09

It sounds like you’re thinking clearly, OP. Please don’t give up your job if you can possibly avoid it - you will need the income. But it might make sense to take some emergency leave while you sort this out. Hopefully your employer is approachable and you can explain what’s going on. Once you have spoken to Women’s Aid and are in a refuge, you can review the financial position.

Gilead Thu 28-Jan-21 08:56:14

My ex would threaten to kiko himself? Did he? Did he fuck. After 23 years of being with me, he had a new girlfriend in less than three months! The suicide trope is just another way of control. Make your plans and get away, it’s fabulous on the other side.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 28-Jan-21 08:57:29

Housing benefit would cover all or some of the cost re rent in a refuge so do not let this prevent you either from leaving your abuser.

Bakedbeanhead Thu 28-Jan-21 08:59:23

Also, have you got a sympathetic boss to speak to so you can have a bit of time off as compassionate leave to sort stuff or see the Doctor to sign you off, just to give you space ?

ineedaholidaynow Thu 28-Jan-21 09:01:04

Can you phone the police?

Days0fW0nder8 Thu 28-Jan-21 09:02:55

Sort out the car insurance & add your name or take out your own insurance

Claim universal credit as a single parent

Separate finances, your own bank accounts

Take control

Buy yourself a back up charger & one for the car

He is an adult, he can fend for himself !

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