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Ex husband is remarrying

(12 Posts)
dizzy125 Fri 22-Jan-21 19:07:35

My ex husband told me he is getting married when he came to pick up our son. Its not a surprise as he has been with his partner for 5 years and im lucky that she is a nice person who treats my son well. I congratulated him as we have a good relationship. But after he left I had a good cry. Not because I have feelings for my ex, just because I am so far away from being loved up with someone. I have been single a year and a half after ending a 3 year relationship with a man who cheated on me, lied and generally was manipulative. I feel like I'm standing in the way of my ex husbands new happy family with his fiancee and my son. I feel like it would be better if I just didn't exist. I feel so low... I'm so angry that I wasted three years with the wrong man. I know its not the be all and end all to be in a relationship, but I grew up in a very violent chaotic home and its all I've wanted....a happy ending. I guess I'm not looking for advice just someone to say that they have been in this situation and I won't be alone forever. Im thinking of trying online dating but its all new to me.

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meltedgalaxy Fri 22-Jan-21 19:12:40

What your feeling is normal. But things will get better, I met my DH at work and didn't have much luck at online dating though I did have some lovely dates and it gave me a lot of confidence that I was previously lacking. It was fun! I just didn't meet the right person at that time. I'd say give it a go, at least due to lockdown you can have more time talking on the phone / online before you meet too which I'd see as a bonus.

seensome Fri 22-Jan-21 19:17:20

It's worse news because you single, I am divorced from my DC father but he's not remarried yet, although he sprung it on me that he was moving in with his new girlfriend after only being with her six months, I didn't know he was dating, I must admit I felt really sad at the thought not about him moving on and being happy while I wished I could be loved up enough to be moving in with someone, if he announces a wedding then I'd feel really down especially as I've just come out of a relationship myself but nothing that serious.

I can totally imagine how you're feeling.
Try online dating but it's bit of a rubbish time to actually find a date during lockdown but no harm in talking and making new connections though, will keep your mind busy.

category12 Fri 22-Jan-21 19:29:15

It wouldn't be better for your son if you didn't exist.

If you're feeling very low, please speak with Samaritans and seek help from your GP.

Rockinmomma Fri 22-Jan-21 19:34:17

I’ve been there OP
2 years after separation ExH proposed to his girlfriend. I was single and hadn’t long lost my dad, depression spiralled and I was suicidal. All I could think was if I were gone my DC wouldn’t be carted between homes, they’d be happier. Thankfully I got the help I needed and 3 years later I’m very happily engaged. Your happy ending is on its way flowers

TenShortStories Fri 22-Jan-21 19:38:21

Totally understandable why this would both hurt and highlight what you haven't got yet, your feelings are legitimate.

That said, I think you have here an amazing situation for your child - they get to see you and DH coparenting amicably, which is a wonderful an rare example and they get to see what a (hopefully) happily married couple looks like behind doors. Your own happy ending may still happen but in the mean time you are providing your son with the childhood that will give him a fantastic chance at his own happy ending when he grows up.

You are not standing in anyone's way, you are not making anything worse by being here (on the contrary, you are immeasurably needed and cherished), you are just in pain and sometimes pain expresses itself like this. Hang in there flowers

BettyAndVeronica Fri 22-Jan-21 20:01:59

Your son loves you. He would certainly prefer if you exist!
It's okay to have a wobbly moment over this. It is emotive news.
Give yourself a bit of space to feel however you feel and then realise that you're living your life on a separate (but equally important) path now, and have a son to care for - who cares for you. And bright things may just be around the corner!!

Guarantee their lives will not be completely smooth sailing either. Every relationship has ups and downs and issues to face.

MixMatch Fri 22-Jan-21 20:50:13

That was a massive jump from your ex husband moving on to feeling like you don't deserve to exist.

Have you contacted your GP to get the ball rolling to have some talking therapy? Do you have anyone else you can talk to to get things off your chest a bit?

That woman your ex has will never love your son as much as you do, and you're irreplaceable as his mum.

ravenmum Fri 22-Jan-21 21:26:02

I feel like I'm standing in the way of my ex husbands new happy family with his fiancee and my son.
This woman will hopefully be a nice stepmum, but she's not his mum. He'll ideally have one happy family with his dad and one with you - with or without a partner. (Your son would probably love to have you all to himself tbh!)

When a relationship ends after three, ten, thirty years, that doesn't mean the time you spent in it was wasted. Don't write off years of your life.

We'd all love to have a picture-book life where everything works out as planned and all goes well, but very few of us do. Look after yourself, there's no rush to find another husband. Lots of alternatives that might turn out just fine.

dizzy125 Sat 23-Jan-21 11:47:00

Thank you for all of these comments. An acknowledgement that what I'm feeling is normal has really helped. In the past 24 hours I've tried to reflect on the good things I've achieved by myself in the past 5 years. I've been to counselling a few times before in my life and maybe this is just another time I need to go and talk it through.

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gutful Sat 23-Jan-21 12:43:28

It sounds like you have an unrealistic perception of life. You crave a “happy ending” but not being here would give you no chance of finding happiness. Also you need to be your own best friend and create your happy world for yourself, a committed relationship is not a happy ending, it’s a journey through life together, which involves ups & downs.

Life is not a Disney movie. You have been married, you know intellectually that marriage does not equal a happy ending.

dizzy125 Sun 24-Jan-21 17:34:24

@gutful I am aware that life is not a Disney movie. Did you read the part about me growing up in a chaotic and abusive home? I think your comment is hurtful and unnecessary. If that's the advice you give to someone who is/was feeling low, reaching out for support, your advice would be better kept to yourself.

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